not what I thought I’d be writing today

…

Season 10 opens tonight.

An incredible milestone. Phenomenal. Ten years ago, some would have said “unattainable”. But look! Here these people are! Being wonderful and opening a truly fantastic show.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t exhausted. There has been a weight on me for a while now that just feels so heavy. Every thing I try seems to get stopped before it flies. Every word I say seems to be misunderstood. Every hope I plant feels crushed underfoot. Lots of “no”, “don’t do that”, “just change it”, “you’re wrong”, and it eats at me. It shouldn’t, I shouldn’t take it on me, and yet it’s felt so sticky.

Even today trying to decide if I should write this post and what I should say has been hard. How do I express gratitude and joy when I feel so alone? 

Should I even keep that? Or delete it so no one can judge and think I’m ungrateful?

…

I can’t even write a happy post about Season 10 because I’m sitting here … stuck. This is so stupid.

Because I am, I truly am, so grateful. And I see so many beautiful and powerful blessings in my life. I recognize the importance and magnitude of this milestone. It’s amazing.

So. Happy opening to Season 10. This isn’t going on social media. I will share it here for someone to find and hopefully understand, but I know that it won’t be understood there.