Long

I've got a post coming about the fantastic weekend we had but felt I needed to share this.

It's been a weird couple of days. You know the type - coming down off of a high (like a great weekend) and back into the mundane and regular. Suddenly things that happen every day are a hassle or irritating and you want to back to the special. Days and hours and minutes start to drag and you wonder how life like this can be normal.

Are you with me? Maybe I'm the only one.

Or maybe we're all this way and just don't realize it.

I think that when we think of our own special trials and hardships in life, we don't realize that there are dozens, hundreds, possibly thousands of people with the same trials. That as we fight and struggle to maintain optimism and look forward to new days, that others are in the same place. Our battle for hope and for staying "out of the rut" gets harder and harder but is not unique to our own situation. Someone we know is going through the same thing.

That doesn't make it easier to open up, though. It still forces us to choose to interact, to make the routine special, to look for ways to serve.

When the days last forever and the months seem to disappear, I am grateful for the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the family that He has blessed me with that keep me happy in the midst of the ruts. I love watching Hannalyn run and play and grow and learn and share with me a happiness that I want to grab on to and never let go. It is hard to find joy when the world presses down on you - not even social media is a good outlet with all the garbage that finds ways through the filters. It is hard to look up when the work and the tasks and the to dos are endless miles long. It is hard to be a friend when you want to have a friend and who really has time to spend time with friends anyway.

But we all need love. We need joy. We need friends. We need to look up.
I need to look up.

General Conference is this weekend if you want to have a reason to look up. The words that will be spoken are inspired and are meant for YOU if you listen with an open heart. Join me in listening and being lifted. It helps to make the mundane more special.

xo

Book Review: Echo Ridge Anthology - Silver Screen Kisses

This was such a fun collection! But then, I'm nerdy and draw parallels to movies and other nonsense in my daily life anyway so... reading stories that follow a familiar movie plot line wasn't outside the realm of imagination. In fact, it was really exciting.

My Fair Lacey made me laugh out loud. It was so much fun for a long-time favorite of mine to be modernized. It also did a great job of sticking to the story line of the original without feeling like it was bound by the plot line. I enjoyed You've Got Email but I felt there could have been more to the story if the characters weren't constricted by trying to stick so close to the plot. That said, it was very cute and romantic. The Princess Bride of Riodan was fantastic. I personally have only see the movie once but hear it quoted constantly and so the familiar lines that were thrown into the book made me roll my eyes. It didn't stop me from enjoying the story, though. I really really enjoyed My Best Man's Wedding. It was familiar and playful and fun yet felt fresh and new. The same can be said of While You Were Skiing - a little different ending than what you'd expect but authentic and with great characters.

Yes. A really great anthology.

Find it on Amazon or Goodreads

Book Review: Lake Town

Lake Town is the second book in the Solstice series. It is a YA Dystopian series, and one that young adults and adults alike will enjoy. 

This book follows the path of Jezebel James as she is forced to flee her home and seek the mysterious Lake town. As a Carrier, she has a special mission - one that she doesn't know yet but knows that she wants to be part of bring emotion back to the city. Jezebel faces losing everything to gain everything, which wouldn't seem like a hard choice, right? Except when the loss may include losing her best friends - the only family she has left.

This book was quick-paced and entertaining. The world that has been created is fascinating and full of details that keep the book interesting and the story flowing. The characters get a little dramatic, but then I remind myself that they are teenagers and everything makes sense. This was a great book to read. I enjoyed it.

Find it on Amazon or Goodreads

Monday Morning

It's amazing how little things can change your day.

For me, on today, March 20, there are two things.

First. Three girls whom I admire and was having a conversation with replied to a message I sent with a " <3 ". SO SIMPLE. And yet, that was such a powerful start to my day. They were just responding to a message. They may not have meant it as an expression of love. But they all saw my message. They all responded. One simple click of a button and my day was made brighter.

Fascinating.

Second. A video that an acquaintance of mine shared on social media really resonated with me. The message that stuck out to me was that no matter what we are aiming for in life - Heaven, a better job, retirement fun, whatever - we should not live for that ending goal. That doesn't mean that I suddenly live however I want with no regard for Heaven. That doesn't mean that goals are pointless and unhelpful or inspiring. It does mean that if all we live for is the end of our current situation - we'll reach the end and find we haven't changed much from where we started. That would be a tragedy, don't you think?
The time to sing is now. The time to dance is now.

The link to the video is here: https://www.facebook.com/kerwinrae/videos/1127737707273305/?pnref=story

Happy Monday.

habits

I've never understood why we do the same old things all the same old time.

You know what I mean? Those things that we do that we wish we could change. That we would change if we knew how. That have been so ingrained in us for so long that they are nearly impossible to change. And yet... is it impossible?

Here's the thing - and I don't have anything else but my crazy brain leading me on this and a huge desire to write - I think that getting into habits is part of the "natural man". Ok. Backpedal - not all habits are bad. Obviously, a habit of arising early in the morning to study your scriptures is a good thing. A great thing! Praying every day with your family is wonderful and if it is a habit - something you just do - then that is great.

I'm talking about the daily silly things. For me, it's always hitting snooze one more time than I should when really, I probably should just change the time on my alarm clock so it isn't annoying and just get up when I need to. Or it's the negative thoughts I have when I walk past the table that hasn't been cleared from a meal instead of just clearing the table because that takes much less time and energy than being mad about it.

Maybe I'm just crazy.

. . . Over the last several months, I've made some irreplaceable friends. For the first time since moving to Vernal, there are people that I want to seek out and spend time with. I feel connected to these people because of shared experiences, values, and interests. I love them each individually and collectively. I haven't felt this way in a really long time. It's wonderful and refreshing and has given me renewed energy - both out and about and at home. Daniel loves it too. We've missed connecting with other people.

And yet, even though I love these people and even though I know I need to utilize them in my life (as per a previous post), I feel myself slipping back into the old habits of being reclusive and taking all the responsibility on my shoulders and making excuses as to why I shouldn't even text anyone much less make time to hang out. And for the first time - it scares me.

It scares me to think that a habit, a part of my nature, could have so much control over me. Even when I've seen the differences in my happiness and the happiness of my family, the "natural" part of me that doesn't want to be a burden, doesn't want to impose, is really ok with just staying home and sitting - that part takes over. I slowly stop responding to texts. I stop being impulsive and initiating interaction. I wait for them to come to me because then they aren't wasting their time and want the interaction. I keep to myself and just go back to working at being a mom and keeping up (barely) with everything else.

I think the first step to solving a problem is admitting that there is a problem. Well. Now I've admitted it - I've seen it. I'm living it this week, right now. Even in my blogging I've noticed that it's easier to not make an effort. Even though I'm happier, healthier, have a clearer mind - just sitting??? seems so much easier. I'm not filling my time with something better. I'm not being proactive in other ways. I'm literally just.... sitting.

What a waste of a beautiful life given to me. What a tragedy to have so many opportunities to share and to be shared with that pass me by because I'm too, what? insecure? afraid? busy? tired? to take advantage of them.

I want to do and be better. I want to be a friend and have a friend. I want to be proactive with my time - all of it. I am a multi-faceted person (or I should/could be). I want to be happier.

So. I'll let you know how I move forward out of the rut when I figure it out myself. Probably with a lot of prayer and scripture reading. ;) And hopefully with some smiles and laughter.

the story of the phones. all 4 of them.

Writing has been SO therapeutic for me! The last two days of not writing has been strangely difficult. I keep thinking about all the things I want to write down and remember and savor and treasure.

But actually right now I just want to note down some thoughts about my recent phone troubles. Why? I guess to keep me laughing about it and remember that, really, it wasn't the end of the world. Not all of it anyway.

I've had four phones in my life. Not bad, really.

Phone #1 was red and awesome. It was with the carrier Alltel (for any of you who remember that long ago). I got it in 2008 - right before I graduated high school. My parents wouldn't let me have one sooner than that but I finally just told my dad I had the money and was going to buy one and he could support that or not. So he did. I loved my red phone - first one ever! Flip phone was the only option other than the one that was basically like a mini-house phone with the buttons on the outside and I definitely didn't want that one because you butt-dialed people all. the. time. So it was great.

Phone #1 died when I was at Snow College (lasted about 1.5 years). It was stupidity, really. I don't remember if it was my first or second year there, but I was walking across campus and dropped the phone. That wouldn't have been a problem if someone walking nearby hadn't STEPPED ON IT. Ugh! Thankfully, I could still make calls - I just couldn't see the screen. So I called my dad and he directed me to the Alltel store conveniently located one block away from campus and got a new phone.

Phone #2 was sleek and black and another flip phone. I liked it even better than the red one (not at first, but eventually). It had a better camera and was very handy. This time, my options were flip phone or a slider phone but that still had the tendency to butt-dial and I still didn't want to take that risk. So I got it and really loved it. There were lots of good memories with that phone.

I had phone #2 until I got married (about 1.5 years). We decided we should have a joint-plan and so I decided I would move to AT&T with Daniel. Besides, Alltel was being bought out by AT&T so it made sense to just make the change. No biggie. So, there was nothing wrong with the phone but I was forced to change by AT&T because "they couldn't just transfer the number" ... ridiculous, right?

Phone #2.5 lasted about one week. Daniel got his first smart phone and I got another flip phone... and hated it. Loathed it. Despised it. In fact, I cried about how much I hated it - and how much I hated that we couldn't afford a second smart phone as starving college students. Seriously. If I could have afforded a smart phone at that time, I would have gotten one. But Daniel needed one for work and I didn't so I stuck with the cheapest (read: FREE) flip phone. It sounds very self-sacrificing but really it was just practical. Thinking back, I think this is probably what just set me on keeping my flip phones forever.

So since #2.5 only lasted a week before I finally had a melt-down and yelled at Daniel about his fancy stupid phone and how much I hated mine, I don't really count it as one of the phones I've had. Daniel wisely took me back to the store and we used some of our date-night money to buy me a phone that cost $10 instead and traded in the old one.

Hence, phone #3 was brought into the family. Again, a flip phone. But this time I liked it. It was also black and bulkier than I liked but I was so much happier with it than the other that I didn't mind. Reverse pictures were suddenly happening and I had a blast in my college classes playing on it.

I also started to realize how detrimental smart phones were to my health. Every night, Daniel and I would pass his back and forth like a nintendo controller being shared by children as we played on it. I started to realize that if I had my own smart phone with games and access to the internet, I'd be a fiend - never off of it and always distracted. It was better to share the fun and games side of it with Daniel while keeping the practical nature of my phone. But don't worry, our gaming stopped when that first bill came. We turned off the data and kept it to simpler games that could be played without running up our bill. Scary that day was.

#3 was around for a good long while (2.5 years) - until Daniel lost HIS phone while rafting the Green River. We'd been talking about changing cell providers to save money and because AT&T in Vernal was a joke. Well, he lost his phone and necessitated a change. Again, I was put in the situation of "oh, that's the one type of phone we can't transfer over to our services so you have to buy a new phone". ARGH. But I went along with it. We traded to Ting for our phone services (best decision EVER - pay for phones upfront but our bill is $50 or less for both of us - yay!!) and both got new phones. Again.

#4 has the been the one I've had ever since (3 years). I loved it. My dictionary was great, the pictures are great (really they are), it's small and fits anywhere I need to put it and it is DURABLE. I dropped that sucker so many times on so many surfaces and only about 6 months ago did I notice the first crack. Well, really, that's probably what triggered problems later.

Two weeks ago, my phone randomly stopped sending texts. I could send and receive phone calls, but I could not send a text. I thought it was a one-person thing. Then it became a huge problem because I couldn't text anyone. I reset. I took out the battery. I let it sit for 30 minutes with looking at it. I blew in all the cracks and crevices ;) (because that always works, right?). I tried everything. After 24 hours I knew it was hopeless and Daniel and I ordered a new phone. That was Wednesday evening. I made it Thursday, Friday, through the weekend without being able to text any one. It was tricky, but it worked out. Sunday evening, I thought I'd try one more time - AND IT WORKED! For about 12 hours when again, randomly, in the middle of a conversation, I couldn't reply. AND when I went to reset the phone (just to try) - I lost all of my contacts! Turned it on - and it was a completely fresh phone. No messages, no contacts, nothing. So I was grateful I'd ordered a new phone... until it arrived.

WORST. PHONE. EVER. I felt the same as I did with #2.5. But man! #4.5 took the cake. Miserable. Big button guides on every button and just.... ugh. It lasted 24 hours before I asked Daniel to get me a new phone.

Phone #5. Cheaper than phone #4.5 (so we got money back - yay!). Also the exact same brand and model as brand #4 - which has been my favorite. SO. We're back in business and I'm back to texting like a crazy person. Daniel liked me not being able to talk to people for a couple of days. He says I talked to him more. I think he's making that up, but it has made me aware that I need to watch my phone usage not just with Hannalyn but also with Daniel. That's not a bad reminder to have.

Now the only problem is finding a place to help me transfer contacts/whatever pictures still exist on phone #4. If any. Hypothetically it should be easy to make the transfer since they're the same phone but people always seem to like telling me that technology doesn't work with flip phones - only with smart phones, so you should buy one of our smart phones! Grr.

Here's the thing. I'm not anti-smart phone. In fact, I really like them. I like them so much that I know if I got one I would be addicted immediately. One thing I'm counselled on in my patriarchal blessing is that I need to be careful of technology. It doesn't say smart phones specifically (they didn't exist back then) but I'm smart enough to make the connection. I play on Daniel's phone often and I love playing on my iPod. However, because my technology is separate, it's easier for me to separate all the things in my life. I can put the iPod toy away and focus on Hannalyn without giving myself the excuse of needing it for work. I like having that distinction in my life. A lot of people don't get it, and that's ok. I'm setting boundaries and limits for myself so that I can focus on what really matters. Would a smart phone be more convenient? Absolutely. Would it take even better pictures than the decent ones on my flip phone? Definitely. Would it distract me and become a problem in my life and with my family? I have no doubt. I know myself and know that even though I'd set limits, the lines would blur without two separate devices for work and play.

I'm not touchy about it. Really. I just know that I have a different view point than most and most of the most won't take the time to listen and understand why I am the way I am. So I just don't talk about it. Which makes me seem snobby and as though I can't keep it together when dealing with my phone. I just don't want to be ridiculed for something you don't understand. So "let's leave it alone, agree to disagree, and stay in touch often, ok?" That's what I tell people.

Well that was a really long post about something silly. But, it was good for me to work out and remind myself why I made the choices that I did. Maybe this will change in the future. I have an offer for a smart phone I would be silly to turn down. But I've always been kind of silly. And really, it's my choice because they are my boundaries that I need to keep sanity in my life. So does it really matter?

No. Not at all. :)

But we can still be friends - so text me your name so I can add it to my much-shorter list of contacts.
Thx. ;)

Book Review: A Season in London

Three authors. Three clean historical regency novellas. Three amazing great nights (that's how I read them).

I cannot gush enough about the Timeless Regency Collections. I really loved them. And I really love that I can devour an entire story (because that's what I do) and not feel guilty for staying up late because I finish it! And love it. Then I do the next story the next day and so on until I've read them all.

My only complaint is that it's over too quickly. ;)

Johns, Moore, and Connolly are the three authors and they have written three fantastically fun novellas. I loved each for different reasons, but I really want to tell you about the one by Rebecca Connolly - A Sporting Season. I loved it so much that I made my husband read it - and he liked it too! Jamie and Daphne are perfect for each other and Jamie realizes it right away. Daphne, however, is determined to make a spectacle of herself during her first season in London. With Jamie's help - or interference? - her spectacular plans go awry and... well, I won't say more for fear of ruining the ending. But I was giggling like a love-sick girl. It was so much fun!

Find it on Goodreads and Amazon. Seriously do, becasue you don't want to miss this one.

Book Review: Condemn Me Not - Accused of Witchcraft

This book was phenomenal and also really hard to read.

This is the story of my eleventh-great-grandmother. It was incredible and for the first time in a long time I felt drawn to my family history. Maybe because of that, it made the actual facts of Susannah's situation incredibly hard to read about. As I read about the circumstances that she and the other women accused of witchcraft were subjected to, I felt sick to my stomach. As I learned more about the history of the Salem Witch Trials and in doing so, more about my own family, I was heartbroken.

The story was beautiful and touching. It pulled at the literal inside of my heart - both the happy and sad parts. The history is real and the emotions of the characters are raw and open. It was a fantastic read because it didn't just tell a story - it told history. Wow.

Find "Condemn Me Not - Accused of Witchcraft" on GOODREADS or AMAZON.

The truth about the stats

So... I admit... I used to blog a lot because I liked seeing the stats number rising.

That's part of why I stopped blogging for a bit. (definitely not the whole of it) I was always trying to figure out what would be appropriate to share. What would be real enough and yet not make me look like the whiniest person ever? What would be the "just right" picture of my family? What stories do I want to remember forever - and have the internet remember forever - that are not too personal?

Something I've realized the last couple of weeks as I've blogged more again is that it doesn't really matter. If I'm worried about stats or who is reading my blog - I have the option to make it private. I haven't done that because I hope that maybe someday I will share something that is insightful and that will touch someone's life in a meaningful way. The only reason I think that is because it has happened to me and I was incredibly grateful.

So. This blog will be real. There are days when you will only hear about the happy and good things in my life because that is what will stick out. There will be days when you will only hear about the crappy and bag things because those will be overwhelming. But neither means that life is either perfect or horrible.

It is good.

And I believe that even on hard & dark days because I have Faith in a loving Heavenly Father who leads and guides me through life. I know that He is there for me - always and forever. I know that His hand is directing me and that He will show me the way. I owe all my blessings to my Father in Heaven and I am eternally grateful that He cares enough about me, stubborn and obnoxious as I am sure that I am, to love me.

As I start to re-enter this blogging world, I am scared. But mostly I am excited. The last couple of weeks writing has been incredibly good for me. I am getting thoughts out of my head and into a manageable space. I am working to remember the totality of life and not just good and bad moments. I am seeing the hand of my Savior in the my life more clearly and feeling the abundance of gratitude and joy that comes from knowing someone loves me perfectly.

Let's go. :)

Nap time

Happy Monday!

This charming lady has been held before nap time for nearly every day of her life. It's true. She is three years and five months old and I have held her every day before her nap. Or if I haven't, she has been with someone else who has held her. Or she hasn't napped.

Now, before you get all judgy ;) let me tell you my motivation:

I need 20 minutes of quiet with my child.

She is the most beautiful, spunky, wild, adorable, sweet, and crazy three year old and I love having her be mine.






















Every day, I look forward to nap time for two reasons. One - I get to have some me-time. Two - I get to have some we-time. Holding & cuddling my baby for 20 minutes every day is time that I treasure. I look forward to it, I NEED it desperately as I try to navigate this crazy and noisy world. I love sitting with her, talking & singing to her, and feeling both of us calm after the whirlwind of the morning. I honestly think this time with her is what has kept me sane over the last several months.

I know that not many moms get this opportunity - they have other children. I think that has made me appreciate it all the more. Because I don't have other children, I want to make sure I'm taking time to love and be close with Hannalyn. I want to be closer to her while I have that chance because I don't know if or when that will change. I actively chose to hold Hannalyn every day and I don't regret it for one minute.

Especially because on the day pictured above - the first day I didn't hold her - she still napped just fine. She didn't seem to miss being held. While I was happy that my child can handle the change, and sad that I can't, HA, it is a change. I'm going to miss holding her every day for that designated, special time. Of course I'll still hold her, I'll still cherish her - I just have to find other times to do it since she'll be wigglier.

Change is good. God is good. Hannalyn is the best.
:)

Using People

I had a post planned for today where I actually post a picture. *Gasp* But my ipod is currently not in my possession and so I'm going to go with this one and save the picture for next week.

So instead I'm going to share an interesting prompting I had last week.

I was sitting in the temple with a very good friend and had the prompting come "You need to use people". It surprised me so much I missed part of the instruction and my friend had to nudge me back to what was going on. So embarrassing. And then I started this internal dialogue with my Heavenly Father (by the way, this is normal for me but I understand it may be weird for you but that's how it goes):

Use people? That sounds mean.
Nashelle, you know I don't mean use them and take advantage of them.
Ok...
You have certain people in your life for a reason.
Yes. I love the people who are with me in my life right now.
You will lose them if you don't let them into your life.
Well I'm not good at making and keeping friends.
You have been sent people to make it easier for you - they are here to help & bless you. Use them.
That's really hard.
I know. That's why these ones are here for you. They will love and understand.

So. It turned out to be a gentle admonition and reminder.

And since then, I have had a couple of really amazing experiences that have, gently reminded me, that God's hand is really in my life. The people who are with me have been brought to me (or I've been brought to them) to help me through specific parts of my life. It's really been incredible and much more freeing than I ever thought to have the opportunity to open up and feel like I do have friends again. What a blessing that I didn't realize that I was missing.

God is good.

Happy Friday.

Little Women Audition Story

I was definitely inspired to invite Jen - our director - to be part of the show. She was phenomenal in every way. I can't thank her enough for her work and dedication to the theatre and to the show and to the cast. She gave 1,000% and it showed in the cast, the crew, and the beauty of the show.

I auditioned.

I was terrified.

The last thing I'd auditioned for was 'Beauty and the Beast' at Outlaw and we all know how that went. SO. Going into another audition was scary. The wonderful thing about it was, I had talked with Jen multiple times about her vision for the show and I trusted her. I trusted her completely. I have been in audition situations where I don't trust the director. I know that it will be cast a certain way regardless of audition and it is a miserable feeling to go in and give your all and know that it won't count. So knowing that I could depend on Jen to cast the show the best way possible helped me feel better. Still scared, but better. I was also scared that because she'd seen me for so long in the role of director of the theatre that she'd not be able to see me anywhere else and so not cast me. I decided to pray, not for a role in the show, but for a callback. That's all I wanted. Just a callback.

I talked to a couple of friends about wanting a callback and some people said that was defeatist - that I wouldn't try hard enough because I was settling. Others said it was admirable to be happy with what I got. I just knew that I trusted Jen, I wanted to be at least marginally considered, and there were so many other women auditioning that I wanted to be happy and not devastated the rest of my life. So I auditioned.

It was ok. Not my best, definitely stronger than B&tB, but I was emotional and nervous and about half-way through it got to me. But I finished and it was ok.

AND I GOT A CALLBACK! I was thrilled - walking on clouds. I was amazed and delighted and everything. I couldn't believe it. Callbacks were on Saturday and I was so happy to be there. As Jen started reading out numbers and what they were called back for... my mood started to slip. I couldn't understand it. I'd walked in on cloud 9 and suddenly, I was depressed. I realized it was because every girl there had been called back for Jo or Beth except for me. Which shouldn't have bothered me for two reasons - 1: I'd rather be Meg than Beth and I was called back for Meg & Amy and 2: I had a freaking callback! But the more I sat around the more disappointed in myself and in my obvious lack of control I became. I played for some of the callbacks which was a good distraction. I thought I did well on the songs I did. I got the timing and the notes better than others and felt good about the characters I was showing.

When I finished, I left. I had planned to stay but couldn't take it any more. I took my sister home and my mom and Daniel stayed. I put Hannalyn down for a nap, cried for a while, then went back and snuck into the office. I wanted to be there so I could close up as quick as possible after and not get called to lock everything up. On the drive over, I told myself over and over that I needed to be grateful. I needed to be happy. I had what I wanted - how dare I ask for more.

I was only at the theatre for about 5 minutes when I heard everyone leaving. Once everyone was gone, I walked out and Jen said, "There you are! Where have you been? Will you sing for me again, please?" I kind of froze. I didn't want to sing again and felt like I'd already given all I could. Then she asked, "I need you to do Jo." My mind went from zero to sixty in a millisecond. I knew immediately that for some reason - which I couldn't explain - I was being given one more chance and if I blew it, I'd never get it back. I said a quick prayer, grabbed a script, took some deep breaths, and practiced the parts Jen wanted me to do.

If I'd thought I was scared before, it was nothing to how I felt in that moment. I felt my entire world balancing on the edge of a knife and I knew if I couldn't breathe, couldn't hold it together to sing two songs, I'd fall the wrong way and lose the opportunity to be in the show at all.

I sang through the material a couple times (I knew it by heart anyway despite trying NOT to learn it so I wouldn't be sad later) then got onstage. I started and stopped immediately. I had to turn around and swallow and breathe and pray. I counted to 10, knew it was now or never, and turned back around. And I sang.

It wasn't beautiful. That's for sure. I had too many tears in my throat and too many butterflies in my stomach. But I punched, I pulled, I pushed. I took deep breaths, heard years of my mom and of Julie Hansen in my head talking me through it and gave the best I could under the circumstances. I did the same as I sang once with Daniel, though when he was with me I relaxed just a little. I knew I hadn't done my best - my emotions were too rocky for that. But I'd done what I could and surprisingly, I felt better. I'd been given one more chance and even if I didn't succeed, I knew that I'd done everything that I could.

We talked a little bit after - Daniel and I had to do some painting. Then we all left.

I got home and my mom had been crying. She, too, felt grateful and felt as I did - that I'd been given one more chance and that after that, we would be satisfied with whatever happen. I don't know what I did to deserve one more chance, but I was happier. I felt ungrateful for not being more grateful for the callback in the first place. It's amazing what clarity comes when you can really see and feel yourself hanging in the balance and realizing that, actually, whichever way you fall - it will be ok.

Daniel and I decided to go see a movie to unwind after the day. On our way out the door, the director asked if she could come talk to me for a minute. I said of course, and we met in my driveway. Jen thanked me for the opportunity and said that she was amazed by the auditions - that she had cast the show three different ways and that each had some people in it and some not. She thanked me for not using my influence as the theatre director to sway her decision in any way. She said she appreciated how my family and I had given her total control of casting and not said or done anything to try to cast it our way. She told me how excited she was for the show. At this point, I knew I wasn't cast. I was disappointed but knew it would be ok - I trusted Jen and I trusted God. Then she showed me the list.

"JO - Nashelle"

I thought I was going to fall over. Daniel was also on the list as "Professor". My mom and sister were not. I suddenly couldn't breathe and thought maybe it was a joke, but when I looked at Jen and saw her smiling at me, I knew that somehow it was real. (I'm typing this realizing it sounds very melodramatic but really - I was flabbergasted.) I hugged Jen and said thank you probably a thousand times, she told me she expected me to "show up" every day - that she needed to see what she saw in the callback every time - and then left.

Daniel and I went to the movie but I think I missed more than half of it as I thought about 'Little Women' and the opportunity I was being given. I was - still am, to be honest - shocked. I still wake up and can't believe that all of it was real. The show has been closed for a week - we sold out our last night, people have raved about it online and to me and others in the cast - and I still can't believe that was really me. I was really up there. I did it!

Jen and I talked in the beginning about how some would hate the show - hate me in it - because they would assume that I got the part because I'm the theatre owner. That no matter how good I was, no matter what I told them or Jen told them, they would never believe it. But that would give me no excuse to not be better than my best. I worked harder than I've ever worked before. I wanted people to come to the show and see not just Nashelle who "always does a good job" but "Wow. Nashelle." Does that make sense? I wanted people to see that I've changed, I've grown. That there is more to me - more to each of us - than what we've seen before. I think some people got it. Some didn't and probably never will. But as long as I made my parents proud, made Julie Hansen proud (and Mr Hansen said I did), and made Jen proud - the rest of it doesn't matter.

I am amazed by the blessings I have been given. I never thought, especially once we hit "Christmas Carol", that I would ever be able to be onstage at my own theatre. I thought that I would have to run it for the next 5 years exclusively, maybe having a couple of ensemble roles, but never bigger. Even if I never have a lead again, I am grateful to know that I was wrong. This theatre is beautiful and amazing and people are going to step up to make it succeed. I'll be able to live my dreams of performing still - at my own theatre, even! And sharing in the beauty of the art with people who I admire and look up. I learned so much from the cast, from Jen, from my family. I am still amazed that it all really happened. I will always be grateful to Jen for taking a chance. I will praise the Lord for giving me the strength to try one more time. I will thank all the people who were part of the show - onstage, backstage, and in the audience. Forever.

This show, this cast, this role changed me for the better.
And the memories will last forever. <3