performing

We have six shows coming up this weekend. It's going to be a lot of busy-ness and a lot of fun. I am actually very excited. We need to get a lot more tickets sold, but if we can do that, we will be in a really good place. Plus the show is just good. It should be a good weekend.

And I will be spending a lot of it performing myself. Performing for parents, for patrons, for the cast... and even for my family, though hopefully less of that. I've gotten better recently at being honest at home and I think it has helped a lot. Even though sometimes it is harder to deal with the truth, it's better than the exhaustion and frustration of masking.

Even acknowledging that feels like a big step. So that's good news.

Here's to a full week.

anxious

 It is no secret that I am an anxious person. I do feel it has gotten worse since Hannalyn was hospitalized as a baby (PTSD is no joke) and then since 2020. It's part of life and some days I do better at coping than others - just as all do in all things. 

This week, though, has been particularly hard.

Daniel and Hannalyn have been gone for three days visiting family in Idaho. It's been so good for them - SO SO GOOD - and I am so glad they've been able to be there. And my anxiety has been through the roof. 

I am having a hard time socializing and carrying on a conversation. I don't want to look at or talk to anyone, but being alone elevates my heartrate and makes me jittery. I am filling my time with work and good things that need to be done, but I still have time where I've got nothing to do but sit and worry. I pray and feel peace that they will be fine and I will be fine and we will all be together again at the end of the week, but as soon as I hear or see something else I begin to immediately spiral again.

It's been hard. Really hard, if I'm being honest.

I think I've masked it ok, but I also think I hurt someone's feelings last night who wanted to talk and I just ... couldn't. I couldn't stay and talk and I had to run to my car and hurry home before panic took me. I need to apologize, but that makes me anxious all over again and ... anyway.

...

I think I've been anxious longer than even I realized. Obviously I have become more aware over the last couple of years, but even through that I have recognized that I think I've been this way even since childhood. 

I've always been incredibly organized - almost OCD - about my things and where they need to be and making sure that everything is lined up and set out and perfect and scheduled with no wiggle room. I think that was anxiety.

I've always been a good planner - and even though as I got older plans changed (colleges, jobs, where we live, etc), I have always had a plan and been planning for what could go wrong or change. I think I have been anxious.

I've always had day-mares (not day-dreams that are fun, but that are awful and scary and unnecessary but come in) and always just attributed it to my imagination. Now, that definitely has an impact as does whatever I've been reading or watching at the time, but I recently learned that is a "symptom" of anxiety.

And other things that have stood out to me recently. 

I don't know if this makes me feel better, but in some ways it does.  I've been strong enough to battle this my whole life, which means I can keep doing it. I am much better prepared and equipped now, too. I have skills and knowledge that I didn't have. Knowing that is a huge comfort when I feel myself slipping.

Mostly though, I'm thankful for Jesus and the times that I can feel peace and comfort. I cling to those and rely on those.

And I will try to not cling too tightly to Daniel and Hannalyn when they finally get home. <3