words

Words are interesting things.

They can be beautiful or ugly, uplift or tear down, helpful or harmful. Sometimes they can be both at once, or seem to be.

Words spoken out loud can be sarcastic or witty, inviting or repelling, laced with meaning or flat.

And the written word is sometimes worse!

I wrote a couple of short stories as a teenager that I shared with family, but one thing I always worried about was that the nuance and the meaning would be understood. That people would feel what I wanted them to feel. I never shared those stories with people outside my family because I wasn’t sure that my family would get it, and if they didn’t, how would a stranger with no understanding of me “get it”?

I am grateful for texting because it simplifies communication in a lot of ways. We don’t have to have a full phone conversation for one question or a quick clarification or even just to say “Hi, I’m thinking about you”. And typically the other person can respond at their convenience instead of disrupting a meeting or other aspect of their day with a phone call.

But texting can be hard to understand.

I consider myself an excellent reader. I like varieties of authors, books, writing-styles and can appreciate the difficulty of putting not just words to paper but ideas and themes and symbols.

Texting though seems to become a whole different ballgame. Emojis help- I can 🙄 after I say something that I want interpreted sarcastically, etc. But an emoji isn’t always a good thing to add.

How do we make sure the person’s words are taken in the way the person meant them and not in the way they are read and possibly misinterpreted by a tired/sad/overwhelmed brain?

Thinking about that today. And praying for wisdom to use my words well. I don’t share many of them (yay anxiety) so I need to take extra care that what I do share- both spoken and texted- is done well.

Superpower

Sometimes I think about superpowers. Which one I’d choose if I could. In my dreams, I often fly. But I’m terrified of heights, so maybe not.

Today, I thought about having a superpower that allowed people to see me. Really see ME. Not just labels of me: business owner, rule enforcer, question asker, etc etc.

Being religious, I believe that Christ does see me- the real me.

But I wondered how much of a difference it would make in my life to have the superpower to see people, or allow them to see me.

When I was in high school, we made masks of our faces- the outside we decorated to be what we showed the world and the inside to be what we were really like.

I’ve thought about that often since, and while I try to be true to myself and live authentically, I definitely have a mask.

If people could really see me, they’d see joy in my family and religion, of course. They’d see an extreme love of books and chocolate. But they’d see a lot of fear and loneliness. They’d see awful social anxiety, depression, uncertainty. There would be pain and disappointment. And maybe they’d see that I am trying.

I think about that sometimes. It’s commonly said that knowing someone’s heart invites compassion. Knowing their sorrow and suffering brings a willingness to share their burdens, patience, and kindness.

What if it could be to know that they really want to interact, but don’t know how. Would others be understanding?

Or seeing how someone is communicating and seeing their intent, would that prevent misunderstanding and blame?

I am not perfect. I am constantly working to grow and improve. I am a recovering people pleaser and have gotten worlds better at setting boundaries. I take lots of criticism. Often. From people I know and people I don’t. I try to accept it in the spirit it’s meant and with the intention it’s shared, but maybe...

maybe this superpower could mean understanding each other better. It would certainly make sure we could cut out the toxic people more easily and find those who truly care. Seeing people as they are would, I hope, raise empathy and create compassion.

I don’t have a superpower, but I can be kind and try to see people’s light. I can start there today.

about books

I am 15 books away from having 1000 books in my house. This includes Hannalyn's books, religious books and some "self-help" books but does not recipe books, gardening books, etc. 
That is also counting just BOOKS. I have several that contain multiple books in them (ie 5 books of "John Carter" in one book, a couple collections of Jane Austen's works in one book, etc), but they are counted as one on the bookshelf.

Which means that I'm actually well above 1000 taking into account all the collections/compilations or whatever you want to call them.

That's incredible.

It's also not everything that I've ever read. I don't own everything I've read. As an elementary school student, I read almost every single Babysitters Club book and Saddle Club book in those series. Not to mention the American Girls series, Dragonlance series, and several others that I never owned but just got from the library. Plus books I read in high school that I didn't own. In the last few years, I have read a lot digitally, too. It's not my preferred mode of reading, but hey! It works. And I've read some delightful books that way. But that takes up my count. I also read a few books in the last year that I didn't keep. I either returned them or got rid of them in some other way because they weren't ones I wanted to keep. Which I'm proud of myself for doing.

I've read a lot.

I'm a fast reader, I always have been. I love to read and one of the *great tragedies* of my life is that I can't read in the car because I get incredibly motion sick. (That's why I drive instead - I love to drive, so it's fine, and if I weren't driving I'd want to be reading, which I can't do, so I drive.) 

The last couple of years, though, I've started requesting books more specifically as gifts as I've worked to complete a couple of collections. Agatha Christie to start. I now own all of her books. (!!!) It's delightful. I've always asked for books, but recently been more deliberate about it as I've worked to build my library. For our anniversary, all I wanted was to go to a bookstore and get a couple of books. 

Also, I've noticed that I'm a better person when I'm reading a book. I just am! Even if it's just a re-read and just for five minutes at night before I go to bed, I am a better person. I love reading and escaping and it's so much better for me than anything else. Plus, it keeps me off my phone which is DEFINITELY a good thing. I am not a good person when I'm doom-scrolling. 

I learned this the hard way in December when I thought taking a break from reading would be good when I was very busy and I was a bit of a monster. As soon as I picked up a book I knew I'd be able to put down, my whole demeanor changed and I'm so grateful.

So! Yes. We are approaching this milestone. I used my tip money from working at Cold Stone the last 7 months to buy lots of books and I am so glad that I did. I have read more books this year than I am tall - which was a random goal suggested to me by a friend that I loved! - and I have been reading steadily. I am not reading all the time (even though it may look that way). I am healthily working and living my life. But I am happy and enjoying it with good things happening. That matters a lot.

Here's to fifteen more books... and more! I can't wait to see what they will be.