The last several weeks I've been at the theatre almost every day, often for four hours a day. That doesn't seem like a lot but when you take your six-year old with you and she spends most of that time with her face in an iPad, the guilt builds up and the time is tracked more carefully.
Mom guilt aside.
I am SO proud of what I've been able to get done at the theatre. I have help usually once or twice a week and those helpers keep me motivated. I also sent a plan of attack to a group chat so that I had some accountability.
I started around the end of the May, knowing that things needed to be cleaned up, and willing to start the work. We'd bounced around the idea of having maps for upstairs to show where everything is to make it easier to find props and costumes and I decided this was the year to do it. I spent a nap time creating the maps and spreadsheets, naming the rooms and getting that ready. Then we cleaned. And cleaned and cleaned! Including a room that has had, well, junk in it for the last four years. We got it emptied and readied for props and then got all the props organized. We took two-ish weeks working on it, including some major reorganizing of the rooms moving furniture and shelving. I got all the maps finished and the Ultimate Prop Master List which has every prop we have listed on it with the room and shelf it is on and I was thrilled.
We still have one more room to clean out on that side so I'm just looking to hire someone to get that done. I don't want to do it enough that I'm willing to pay someone else to do it. Hopefully someone will be interested soon.
Then for the last two weeks I've been working on the costume side. THAT'S been a mess and a half. Hopefully now, though, people will actually put things away where they are supposed to go. . . hopefully. We've been going through and hanging up a BUNCH of donations we got (did I share that story? I will sometime. sum up: six SUV loads. no joke.) and creating new boxes and set ups for things we've been adding to. It's been a blast and it looks SO GOOD. Seriously. I almost cry sometimes when I go up there and see how nice it looks and how much easier it will be both to find items we need and to put them away.
I'm hoping to finish the costume side by the end of the week and then it's only waiting for the last room to be cleaned so I can get stuff moved in there and then it's finished! Working on maps, too. I'll do that this week and get those done.
Next week my focus is my office downstairs. I think that's just going to have to be a regular thing until people put things back where they are supposed to. Ugh. But hopefully if I move the desk around and create some better space that will help. That's the goal anyway. I'm excited. I think I feel extra motivated because of how well the last month has gone upstairs. Yay!
Well. Just felt good and wanted to share. :) Thanks for reading.
June 22, 2020
June 19, 2020
bad poetry still speaks my truth
i heard you when you called me but i didn't want to go.
i felt the pull inside me yet i chose not to know
the name, the feel, the tug so strong, the obvious reply.
instead i turned my heart away and tried not to question why.
my heart, you see, was much too strained. i could not bear more.
so when i heard the call again, i firmly shut the door.
i lost myself in worlds of light that flashed before my eyes.
i wouldn't get in deep, just far enough that i could rise
and shake my head free from what i'd seen, but never make it stay.
i'd change the app or close my eyes and it would go away.
there's too much noise, i told myself, yet willingly i'd return
to the deafening screams of those who's voices i could not discern.
i'm not sure how you reached me, trapped inside my head
where i'd stay for hours fighting demons who see red.
but suddenly i felt a peace and knew as i knew before
that there is more than just this world and facebook. so much more.
i remembered a time much simpler, not so long ago,
when if i had a problem there was One to whom i'd cry.
the call i heard, it came from Him, i knew that in my core.
i was no longer afraid, there was no more disguise.
you see, there is a feeling that i get sometimes when i pray
a feeling of tenderness and love, a desire to help me learn
that when i'm feeling lost and sad, i can move ahead
when i rely on my Savior, Lord to reach the distant shore.
i felt the pull inside me yet i chose not to know
the name, the feel, the tug so strong, the obvious reply.
instead i turned my heart away and tried not to question why.
my heart, you see, was much too strained. i could not bear more.
so when i heard the call again, i firmly shut the door.
i lost myself in worlds of light that flashed before my eyes.
i wouldn't get in deep, just far enough that i could rise
and shake my head free from what i'd seen, but never make it stay.
i'd change the app or close my eyes and it would go away.
there's too much noise, i told myself, yet willingly i'd return
to the deafening screams of those who's voices i could not discern.
i'm not sure how you reached me, trapped inside my head
where i'd stay for hours fighting demons who see red.
but suddenly i felt a peace and knew as i knew before
that there is more than just this world and facebook. so much more.
i remembered a time much simpler, not so long ago,
when if i had a problem there was One to whom i'd cry.
the call i heard, it came from Him, i knew that in my core.
i was no longer afraid, there was no more disguise.
you see, there is a feeling that i get sometimes when i pray
a feeling of tenderness and love, a desire to help me learn
that when i'm feeling lost and sad, i can move ahead
when i rely on my Savior, Lord to reach the distant shore.
June 16, 2020
this is important
I was putting away the dishes and had a very distinct impression to stop, sit and write. I pushed it off for a second because now the dishes may not get finished but immediately words filled my head and I knew if I didn't start getting them down, well, I'd miss an important opportunity.
Know this: You are Important.
You. Yes. YOU. You, right now, reading this.
You are Important.
Not important. Important. Necessary. Needed. Loved.
Maybe you don't feel that way. Maybe today has been the Worst. Maybe today is another in a series of Worst Days.
I understand that. Those are hard. So stinking and awful hard.
Maybe you don't feel loved. Maybe you've been betrayed. Probably you feel hurt and confused by the negativity surrounding social media. Have you asked yourself if there is any point in trying to love people so determined to hate?
I'm there now, too. I feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck.
Maybe you feel there is no point.
Maybe there is no point.
But then . . . why? Why . . . at all? I mean, if there's no point then . . . why?
What I think? There is a point. Do I know what it is? For me, yes. For you? Maybe not.
Can I always see it? No. Do I get frustrated when it seems unattainable? Absolutely. Have I wanted and tried to give up? Yes.
What brought me back?
Love.
You see, I may not know you. And so it's hard for me to say to, probably a total stranger, I love you. I'll be real, I have trust issues. HUGE ones. So it's hard for me to say I love you even to people who I know. Cuz that's big for me. I don't say it if I don't mean it.
And that was hard for me. I read articles, stories, messages from people who said they loved me. But they didn't even know me! How could they love me?! They'd never seen me - never pictured me - never thought of me as ME. That can't be love.
Until one time I was reading a poem given to me by a person I loved. And as I read that poem, I felt their love coming through it, and I felt an even greater and bigger Love, too. You can call it what you want - Universe, Good Thoughts, Karma, Buddha - I call it God. Specifically, Heavenly Father.
You see, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I also know that He loves you. Maybe you don't know Heavenly Father. Maybe you haven't had a good father figure to help you get to know a Heavenly Father. Maybe, like me, it's hard to trust what you can't see and someone who doesn't know you.
Maybe, when you're all alone, you feel truly alone.
I've found, for me, that's when my Heavenly Father is the closest. That's when I find Him holding me together - broken, bandaged, bruised. That's when His love fills me up and tells me to go forward another day.
Because of Him, I can love. And I can give that love to you. Maybe you don't know Him, maybe you don't know me, maybe it's hard to believe that I can send you His love when you don't know either of us. But He knows you. He sees you. He is with you, right now, right where you are no matter where that is. He is right beside you. He knows you and I think you'll be surprised if you look to find Him there that you know Him, too.
And even if no one else on this earth cared. Even if you really were just one and didn't have any family or friends or really seriously any one person. . .
you'd have me. And you'd have me because we have Him.
I am Important to Him. You are Important to Him.
You are Important. You are Loved.
Know this: You are Important.
You. Yes. YOU. You, right now, reading this.
You are Important.
Not important. Important. Necessary. Needed. Loved.
Maybe you don't feel that way. Maybe today has been the Worst. Maybe today is another in a series of Worst Days.
I understand that. Those are hard. So stinking and awful hard.
Maybe you don't feel loved. Maybe you've been betrayed. Probably you feel hurt and confused by the negativity surrounding social media. Have you asked yourself if there is any point in trying to love people so determined to hate?
I'm there now, too. I feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck.
Maybe you feel there is no point.
Maybe there is no point.
But then . . . why? Why . . . at all? I mean, if there's no point then . . . why?
What I think? There is a point. Do I know what it is? For me, yes. For you? Maybe not.
Can I always see it? No. Do I get frustrated when it seems unattainable? Absolutely. Have I wanted and tried to give up? Yes.
What brought me back?
Love.
You see, I may not know you. And so it's hard for me to say to, probably a total stranger, I love you. I'll be real, I have trust issues. HUGE ones. So it's hard for me to say I love you even to people who I know. Cuz that's big for me. I don't say it if I don't mean it.
And that was hard for me. I read articles, stories, messages from people who said they loved me. But they didn't even know me! How could they love me?! They'd never seen me - never pictured me - never thought of me as ME. That can't be love.
Until one time I was reading a poem given to me by a person I loved. And as I read that poem, I felt their love coming through it, and I felt an even greater and bigger Love, too. You can call it what you want - Universe, Good Thoughts, Karma, Buddha - I call it God. Specifically, Heavenly Father.
You see, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I also know that He loves you. Maybe you don't know Heavenly Father. Maybe you haven't had a good father figure to help you get to know a Heavenly Father. Maybe, like me, it's hard to trust what you can't see and someone who doesn't know you.
Maybe, when you're all alone, you feel truly alone.
I've found, for me, that's when my Heavenly Father is the closest. That's when I find Him holding me together - broken, bandaged, bruised. That's when His love fills me up and tells me to go forward another day.
Because of Him, I can love. And I can give that love to you. Maybe you don't know Him, maybe you don't know me, maybe it's hard to believe that I can send you His love when you don't know either of us. But He knows you. He sees you. He is with you, right now, right where you are no matter where that is. He is right beside you. He knows you and I think you'll be surprised if you look to find Him there that you know Him, too.
And even if no one else on this earth cared. Even if you really were just one and didn't have any family or friends or really seriously any one person. . .
you'd have me. And you'd have me because we have Him.
I am Important to Him. You are Important to Him.
You are Important. You are Loved.
June 15, 2020
hard to describe
I had a day where I was feeling sorry for myself.
You see, we'd been praying long and hard for an answer to a question - a BIG Question - about our business. This Question involved spending a lot of money to do a project to restore the walls & ceiling of the theatre. We've been saving up all year, got bids from contractors and were ready to give them 8 weeks to finish the job - plenty of time.
Then COVID happened and life stopped.
First, we put off the project saying can you do it in 6 weeks? then 4? Turns out, they could! so we left it at that for a minute while we planned to postpone 'Peter Pan' and see how the month of May went. The problem was, with social distancing measures, there was no way we would be making money on 'Peter Pan'. We were at 40% capacity. We managed to pay for the production itself, which is a miracle to be hallelujah'd through the air, but did not make the money we needed to finish paying for the project.
So we started dropping items from the list - just one color on the ceiling, no fancy work; we won't be running wire for additional sound and light projects in the future b/c while the wire isn't too expensive (actually it is) the labor is very expensive. Even though now is the perfect time to run the wire when we're doing the walls, it's not when it drains the limited funds. We won't be moving lights because we aren't buying more lights. We are cutting and sewing fabric lengths ourselves cuz hiring someone to do it takes money. Lots of little things have added up and I've been frustrated.
I was doubting we should do the project. From a business stand point, it makes sense that while we are shut down anyway and unable to do our usual summer camps, we should take this time to do our improvements rather than shutting down for a second summer next year. Lots of sense. Not a lot of trust and definitely not a lot of money.
I had the very firm impression on this day that I needed to ask for help from the community. So the theatre's Facebook post that day asked that if anyone had the means, a donation of $5 would go a very long way and if 800 people did that - we would meet our $4,000 goal which is what we need to have the money for the project.
I was immediately overwhelmed by the response. Mostly people donated between $5 and $20 depending on family size. People I haven't heard from in a year or two donated, people who don't even live in Vernal donated! And then some donated more - $50, $100, $300, $500. It blew my mind. I couldn't believe the generosity and the willingness to give. It was shared on Facebook like crazy and received a dozen positive and encouraging comments.
We raised almost $2,000 in just one day.
But I still felt grumpy. (I know, I'm terrible.)
I had a friend come to the theatre to give me a check donation. She said "We want to see it done, too." as I thanked her over and over again. She said "It's ok, one project at a time and it will all happen."
I sullenly thought if I were a non-profit and had access to a million grants it could all have happened already!
I was to meet the painters at 1pm. I wasn't sure what to expect. I went down, gave them a key to the door, and left after they asked a couple questions and started putting plastic over the chairs. As I walked to the door, I felt a tightness in my chest and took a couple of quick breaths trying to calm the anxiety of leaving a key to my building and worries of them not locking the doors behind them.
I got to my car and the tight feeling got warm. I felt bubbles of excitement in my stomach and realized this is it, too late to turn back now. And instead of that feeling scary as it had for the last month, it brought so much joy. I wish I could describe the all-encompassing squeezing that I felt as soon as I realized that I was having a Spiritual Experience. From my head to my toes, I felt completely enveloped in light and warmth and comfort and security. My insides were bursting with happiness as my heart pounded and my throat tightened and my eyes wettened. ;) I had to take deep breaths to stop myself from sobbing as I drove toward home.
The closest I can get to an experience maybe you've had is if you've cried at the end of a long, hard movie with a happy ending - knowing the characters deserve that happy ending, dang it, and there will be more long and hard in front of them, but right here, right now, everything is good and we are loved.
I KNEW in that moment how much God loves me and my little theatre. I FELT His arms around me, strengthening me, reassuring me, giving me a proud hug that I'd stuck to the right thing despite the worldly doubts surrounding me. THAT MOMENT was . . . profound. Spiritual. Indescribable.
And perfect. Personal. Lightening. Incredible.
I'll never forget it. <3
You see, we'd been praying long and hard for an answer to a question - a BIG Question - about our business. This Question involved spending a lot of money to do a project to restore the walls & ceiling of the theatre. We've been saving up all year, got bids from contractors and were ready to give them 8 weeks to finish the job - plenty of time.
Then COVID happened and life stopped.
First, we put off the project saying can you do it in 6 weeks? then 4? Turns out, they could! so we left it at that for a minute while we planned to postpone 'Peter Pan' and see how the month of May went. The problem was, with social distancing measures, there was no way we would be making money on 'Peter Pan'. We were at 40% capacity. We managed to pay for the production itself, which is a miracle to be hallelujah'd through the air, but did not make the money we needed to finish paying for the project.
So we started dropping items from the list - just one color on the ceiling, no fancy work; we won't be running wire for additional sound and light projects in the future b/c while the wire isn't too expensive (actually it is) the labor is very expensive. Even though now is the perfect time to run the wire when we're doing the walls, it's not when it drains the limited funds. We won't be moving lights because we aren't buying more lights. We are cutting and sewing fabric lengths ourselves cuz hiring someone to do it takes money. Lots of little things have added up and I've been frustrated.
I was doubting we should do the project. From a business stand point, it makes sense that while we are shut down anyway and unable to do our usual summer camps, we should take this time to do our improvements rather than shutting down for a second summer next year. Lots of sense. Not a lot of trust and definitely not a lot of money.
I had the very firm impression on this day that I needed to ask for help from the community. So the theatre's Facebook post that day asked that if anyone had the means, a donation of $5 would go a very long way and if 800 people did that - we would meet our $4,000 goal which is what we need to have the money for the project.
I was immediately overwhelmed by the response. Mostly people donated between $5 and $20 depending on family size. People I haven't heard from in a year or two donated, people who don't even live in Vernal donated! And then some donated more - $50, $100, $300, $500. It blew my mind. I couldn't believe the generosity and the willingness to give. It was shared on Facebook like crazy and received a dozen positive and encouraging comments.
We raised almost $2,000 in just one day.
But I still felt grumpy. (I know, I'm terrible.)
I had a friend come to the theatre to give me a check donation. She said "We want to see it done, too." as I thanked her over and over again. She said "It's ok, one project at a time and it will all happen."
I sullenly thought if I were a non-profit and had access to a million grants it could all have happened already!
I was to meet the painters at 1pm. I wasn't sure what to expect. I went down, gave them a key to the door, and left after they asked a couple questions and started putting plastic over the chairs. As I walked to the door, I felt a tightness in my chest and took a couple of quick breaths trying to calm the anxiety of leaving a key to my building and worries of them not locking the doors behind them.
I got to my car and the tight feeling got warm. I felt bubbles of excitement in my stomach and realized this is it, too late to turn back now. And instead of that feeling scary as it had for the last month, it brought so much joy. I wish I could describe the all-encompassing squeezing that I felt as soon as I realized that I was having a Spiritual Experience. From my head to my toes, I felt completely enveloped in light and warmth and comfort and security. My insides were bursting with happiness as my heart pounded and my throat tightened and my eyes wettened. ;) I had to take deep breaths to stop myself from sobbing as I drove toward home.
The closest I can get to an experience maybe you've had is if you've cried at the end of a long, hard movie with a happy ending - knowing the characters deserve that happy ending, dang it, and there will be more long and hard in front of them, but right here, right now, everything is good and we are loved.
I KNEW in that moment how much God loves me and my little theatre. I FELT His arms around me, strengthening me, reassuring me, giving me a proud hug that I'd stuck to the right thing despite the worldly doubts surrounding me. THAT MOMENT was . . . profound. Spiritual. Indescribable.
And perfect. Personal. Lightening. Incredible.
I'll never forget it. <3
June 12, 2020
intent to divide
So as I have been thinking more about the things going on in the world right now, a phrase was brought to my mind late at night that I couldn't shake. It stayed there and this post practically wrote itself at 11:30pm in my mind. I only hope I can do it justice in the morning while conscious. Ha! But it really has stuck with me and I feel it is so important to share. I hope that it changes my life and my perspectives, giving me clearer direction and information as I try to navigate all the information.
Intent to divide.
That's the phrase. That's the question I'll be asking myself before I look at posts, before I read comments, before I let any personal frustration become a motivator for what I do. What is my intent?
Now, I feel as though it can be almost impossible for one person to determine another's intent. I have had people completely misunderstand something I said or did and it takes a lot of communication to be able to get on the same page and figure out how to do better. I have looked at others and judged them based on something they wrote or said and later realized how my judgment was incorrect. Sometimes it was seeing something bad in a place someone was trying to do good, but I've even erred on the side of seeing good where actually someone was deliberately trying to manipulate for something bad. It takes practice and a lot of spiritual discernment to find boundaries and appropriate ways to express.
I think this is really important to start with because we are all different people. How I respond to something when I'm angry may be totally different than how you respond to the same thing when you are angry. And depending on the time of day, how well I've eaten, what my surroundings are - all these things influence how I respond and how I see the world around me. I am not saying that I am going to be judging people for what they write or say - I can't. I don't have that wisdom. I don't have an omniscient eye to see into people's hearts and know exactly what they meant by what they said. That's where communication comes in.
Unfortunately, we cannot always communicate. If an article is published, I can write to the author, though the chances of response are slim. So, I need to make an initial decision as to how I perceive the article and its effects on me. This is where intent to divide comes in.
You see, there is so much good in this world. There really is! Are there people and organizations and groups who have made mistakes? Of course! Guess what - that's life, those are humans, and that won't change. What we DO need to decide is if these people and organizations and groups are doing their best - not our best, not my best, not what I think should be their best - THEIR best to make a positive change and use their influence for good.
There is also a lot of hate. There is a lot of anger. There is so much fear. Fear from both the "good guys" and the "bad guys" - that we'll do something wrong, that the "other side" will win, that we cannot express our feelings because we won't be understood, that opinions vs facts is an unending debate.
There is a lot of truthful information, there is a lot of false information. There are a lot of people (myself included) who share a post without checking resources, facts, or digging deeper to know the motivation behind who wrote/videoed/created the post originally. There are things that have been warped and changed to meet agendas of those who enjoy seeing a country and her people at war with each other, because they profit from war. They profit from donations sent to organizations that look great on the surface, they profit from mass hysteria buying out essential products, they profit from the sale of "me vs you", and they are capitalizing on it right now.
So, what I can do to better myself and those around me, to protect my family and to educate us in being better people in this world is to decide if there is an intent to divide in what I am reading or seeing.
Is the article written to pit me against my neighbor? my husband? my family? my gay friend? other white people? women? men? members of religious institutions? leaders of religious institutions? colored people? children? teachers? law enforcement? politicians? Is the article written to turn me against humanity? to emphasize only what is wicked? to point out certain people who are "wrong"?
If so, I won't read it. I won't read the comments. I will not allow what someone has written to divide me from my humanity, from my family, from the good that I know is in my community.
But if the article is written to point out that there are flaws? Yes. I'll read it. If it calls for changes and reforms that ask for unification and coming together to be better - I'll listen to it. If it causes me to look deeper into myself and decide if I like what I see? I'll do the hard work because that is my responsibility as a good citizen, friend and family member.
There are good questions being asked - questions about government and its control, questions about racism and how it effects those around us, questions about what kind of world we want to give to our children. I love these questions! I love that neighbors are standing up for each other. I love seeing people praying together, for each other and for our country. I love hearing about acts of service and protection from everything as tiny as a virus or idea to as big as a falling building.
We cannot allow I cannot allow these questions to be asked by people who will use them to tear us apart, to divide us. If the intent in asking these questions is to further widen the rift instead of to heal and bring us together, I won't support it. I can't.
Instead, I will be asking the questions and doing the hard work in ways that will bring my closer to my friend who has different views than me. I will be stretching as she and I try to understand each other, looking at facts and figuring out feelings and unifying, not separating, in our work for a better world. I believe that's really how it gets better and when we become our strongest - together. Not apart. Don't let fear, hate, anger, or agendas divide you. I am worried that I am divided from myself when I allow these things to take root in my heart.
My intent is to unify. To share that I have great love for the people in my family, my community and my country. I hurt and cry and worry when I see injustice and turmoil. Yes, I do get angry - and there is righteous anger! That kind of anger though brings us together to work for a better world. It doesn't divide us into corners of the internet to spew cruelty at each other.
What is the intent of the media you consume? What is the intent of the articles you read? What is your intent when you share that post?
What is your intent?
Intent to divide.
That's the phrase. That's the question I'll be asking myself before I look at posts, before I read comments, before I let any personal frustration become a motivator for what I do. What is my intent?
Now, I feel as though it can be almost impossible for one person to determine another's intent. I have had people completely misunderstand something I said or did and it takes a lot of communication to be able to get on the same page and figure out how to do better. I have looked at others and judged them based on something they wrote or said and later realized how my judgment was incorrect. Sometimes it was seeing something bad in a place someone was trying to do good, but I've even erred on the side of seeing good where actually someone was deliberately trying to manipulate for something bad. It takes practice and a lot of spiritual discernment to find boundaries and appropriate ways to express.
I think this is really important to start with because we are all different people. How I respond to something when I'm angry may be totally different than how you respond to the same thing when you are angry. And depending on the time of day, how well I've eaten, what my surroundings are - all these things influence how I respond and how I see the world around me. I am not saying that I am going to be judging people for what they write or say - I can't. I don't have that wisdom. I don't have an omniscient eye to see into people's hearts and know exactly what they meant by what they said. That's where communication comes in.
Unfortunately, we cannot always communicate. If an article is published, I can write to the author, though the chances of response are slim. So, I need to make an initial decision as to how I perceive the article and its effects on me. This is where intent to divide comes in.
You see, there is so much good in this world. There really is! Are there people and organizations and groups who have made mistakes? Of course! Guess what - that's life, those are humans, and that won't change. What we DO need to decide is if these people and organizations and groups are doing their best - not our best, not my best, not what I think should be their best - THEIR best to make a positive change and use their influence for good.
There is also a lot of hate. There is a lot of anger. There is so much fear. Fear from both the "good guys" and the "bad guys" - that we'll do something wrong, that the "other side" will win, that we cannot express our feelings because we won't be understood, that opinions vs facts is an unending debate.
There is a lot of truthful information, there is a lot of false information. There are a lot of people (myself included) who share a post without checking resources, facts, or digging deeper to know the motivation behind who wrote/videoed/created the post originally. There are things that have been warped and changed to meet agendas of those who enjoy seeing a country and her people at war with each other, because they profit from war. They profit from donations sent to organizations that look great on the surface, they profit from mass hysteria buying out essential products, they profit from the sale of "me vs you", and they are capitalizing on it right now.
So, what I can do to better myself and those around me, to protect my family and to educate us in being better people in this world is to decide if there is an intent to divide in what I am reading or seeing.
Is the article written to pit me against my neighbor? my husband? my family? my gay friend? other white people? women? men? members of religious institutions? leaders of religious institutions? colored people? children? teachers? law enforcement? politicians? Is the article written to turn me against humanity? to emphasize only what is wicked? to point out certain people who are "wrong"?
If so, I won't read it. I won't read the comments. I will not allow what someone has written to divide me from my humanity, from my family, from the good that I know is in my community.
But if the article is written to point out that there are flaws? Yes. I'll read it. If it calls for changes and reforms that ask for unification and coming together to be better - I'll listen to it. If it causes me to look deeper into myself and decide if I like what I see? I'll do the hard work because that is my responsibility as a good citizen, friend and family member.
There are good questions being asked - questions about government and its control, questions about racism and how it effects those around us, questions about what kind of world we want to give to our children. I love these questions! I love that neighbors are standing up for each other. I love seeing people praying together, for each other and for our country. I love hearing about acts of service and protection from everything as tiny as a virus or idea to as big as a falling building.
Instead, I will be asking the questions and doing the hard work in ways that will bring my closer to my friend who has different views than me. I will be stretching as she and I try to understand each other, looking at facts and figuring out feelings and unifying, not separating, in our work for a better world. I believe that's really how it gets better and when we become our strongest - together. Not apart. Don't let fear, hate, anger, or agendas divide you. I am worried that I am divided from myself when I allow these things to take root in my heart.
My intent is to unify. To share that I have great love for the people in my family, my community and my country. I hurt and cry and worry when I see injustice and turmoil. Yes, I do get angry - and there is righteous anger! That kind of anger though brings us together to work for a better world. It doesn't divide us into corners of the internet to spew cruelty at each other.
What is the intent of the media you consume? What is the intent of the articles you read? What is your intent when you share that post?
What is your intent?
June 11, 2020
i won't accept it
I saw a post by a girl named Sydney who I follow on Instagram that I really loved. It talked about a witness she has received that she, herself, has been prepared for this time. That God sent her to earth now to be a mother, to be with her family, to have these hard experiences and to grow and make changes and influence her people for good. She mentioned 2020 specifically as being the year to dig deep and find what is real and give fully and completely to living. She referenced growth she has done as a result of changes her family has made during COVID-19 and personal changes she is making in regards to the Black Lives Matter movement over the last couple of weeks.
The post made me feel uplifted and encouraged. I realized that I, too, have been prepared by God to live in this time. My family, my daughter, my friends - all these people are here on earth with me right now for a reason. We are together in this pandemic, in these crises, in this time of bountiful spirit being poured out on the earth.
Then I saw a comment that saddened me.
It said "How dare a white Mormon woman talk about Blacks".
I knew better, but I followed through and read several comments. (I never do that just on policy because it makes me so angry.) What I noticed discouraged me even more. Several women identified themselves as white, non-Mormons and belittled Sydney for daring to try to understand Black women. They said white women are the worst in history for what they have done. They called her names, criticized her family and were just plain ugly with their words.
Meanwhile, several other women identified themselves as persons of color and said how much they appreciated Sydney's post and thought it was uplifting and gave them peace.
WHAT THE HECK, PEOPLE.
What kind of world do we live in where we feel we have the right to tell other people how to use their influence? (Politics aside.) To go to a girl on Instagram and say to her "I am a white woman. You have a lot of white women on your feed, you need to do better at educating them" . . . WHAT?! I have a lot of questions (see previous post) and absolutely no answers. What I do know, deep in my soul, is that tearing apart someone else's journey is NOT the answer.
I have dear friends with whom I disagree. I have family members that I do not see eye to eye with. We talk about hard things until we can't. When we can't talk any more, we move on and do something else. We don't sit and belittle and criticize someone else's journey. How dare we? How have we become people who feel it is ever ok to be so cruel?
If you disagree, don't comment. If you don't like it, don't follow it. If you're sick, stay home! Is this not common sense?
I get so frustrated and so sickened by the meanness of social media. I refuse to accept that MY narrative, MY story, MY journey has to look a certain way because someone else says so. I refuse to believe that my growth is only valuable if I'm doing it as dictated to me by a person who probably doesn't know any more than I do. I refuse to stop posting good things in fear that it "takes away" from the focus on someone else's pain. Do I need to acknowledge their pain? Yes. Do I need to try to sympathize as I can, maybe recognize my own inner fallacies so I can make this world a better place? Absolutely. Do I need to stop sharing things that bring joy until the person in pain deems it appropriate? NO.
We mourn. We struggle. We hurt. And I pray that each of us when going through these hard h a r d times has someone to turn to in the the daily fight for survival. I pray that your pain is noticed. I pray you are validated for feeling what you feel. I also pray that you let me be with you as much as I can be and then realize that I am not you and need to have my own experience. Some experiences are closely shared - married couples, families, siblings, friends - I have been through things that are cemented in my mind because another person was there. I have also been through times where I have felt completely alone. Do I sometimes feel worse when others are still happy when I'm hurting? Yes, of course I do! We human beings like to be miserable together. Do I also appreciate knowing that there is happiness on the other side of the sadness? Yes, I definitely do.
I will not accept someone else telling me that because my growth looks different than theirs that it is not valuable. I will not surrender my free will to anyone who tries to shame me. I am always open to correction - done with kindness and love. Meanness and cruelty are tools of the devil. Gentleness and mercy and, perhaps most importantly, forgiveness are the tools of God. That's what I choose.
I have a lot of growing to do. I can do better at SO many things in SO many areas of my life. I look forward to the challenge.
The post made me feel uplifted and encouraged. I realized that I, too, have been prepared by God to live in this time. My family, my daughter, my friends - all these people are here on earth with me right now for a reason. We are together in this pandemic, in these crises, in this time of bountiful spirit being poured out on the earth.
Then I saw a comment that saddened me.
It said "How dare a white Mormon woman talk about Blacks".
I knew better, but I followed through and read several comments. (I never do that just on policy because it makes me so angry.) What I noticed discouraged me even more. Several women identified themselves as white, non-Mormons and belittled Sydney for daring to try to understand Black women. They said white women are the worst in history for what they have done. They called her names, criticized her family and were just plain ugly with their words.
Meanwhile, several other women identified themselves as persons of color and said how much they appreciated Sydney's post and thought it was uplifting and gave them peace.
WHAT THE HECK, PEOPLE.
What kind of world do we live in where we feel we have the right to tell other people how to use their influence? (Politics aside.) To go to a girl on Instagram and say to her "I am a white woman. You have a lot of white women on your feed, you need to do better at educating them" . . . WHAT?! I have a lot of questions (see previous post) and absolutely no answers. What I do know, deep in my soul, is that tearing apart someone else's journey is NOT the answer.
I have dear friends with whom I disagree. I have family members that I do not see eye to eye with. We talk about hard things until we can't. When we can't talk any more, we move on and do something else. We don't sit and belittle and criticize someone else's journey. How dare we? How have we become people who feel it is ever ok to be so cruel?
If you disagree, don't comment. If you don't like it, don't follow it. If you're sick, stay home! Is this not common sense?
I get so frustrated and so sickened by the meanness of social media. I refuse to accept that MY narrative, MY story, MY journey has to look a certain way because someone else says so. I refuse to believe that my growth is only valuable if I'm doing it as dictated to me by a person who probably doesn't know any more than I do. I refuse to stop posting good things in fear that it "takes away" from the focus on someone else's pain. Do I need to acknowledge their pain? Yes. Do I need to try to sympathize as I can, maybe recognize my own inner fallacies so I can make this world a better place? Absolutely. Do I need to stop sharing things that bring joy until the person in pain deems it appropriate? NO.
We mourn. We struggle. We hurt. And I pray that each of us when going through these hard h a r d times has someone to turn to in the the daily fight for survival. I pray that your pain is noticed. I pray you are validated for feeling what you feel. I also pray that you let me be with you as much as I can be and then realize that I am not you and need to have my own experience. Some experiences are closely shared - married couples, families, siblings, friends - I have been through things that are cemented in my mind because another person was there. I have also been through times where I have felt completely alone. Do I sometimes feel worse when others are still happy when I'm hurting? Yes, of course I do! We human beings like to be miserable together. Do I also appreciate knowing that there is happiness on the other side of the sadness? Yes, I definitely do.
I will not accept someone else telling me that because my growth looks different than theirs that it is not valuable. I will not surrender my free will to anyone who tries to shame me. I am always open to correction - done with kindness and love. Meanness and cruelty are tools of the devil. Gentleness and mercy and, perhaps most importantly, forgiveness are the tools of God. That's what I choose.
I have a lot of growing to do. I can do better at SO many things in SO many areas of my life. I look forward to the challenge.
June 10, 2020
questions
This is a hard time in our world. I, like many, have an unending supply of questions encompassing all the whys, hows, whats and in-betweens. I find myself searching for answers in articles, in statistics, in conversations with friends and families, in comment threads, and even in radio ads. As my search continues to yield unfruitful results and dissatisfaction reigns, I am grateful to be reminded that God has all of the answers. Yes. ALL of them. His power and His knowledge are immeasurable. He knows everything - not because He sees the future, because He lives in an eternal now. What an incredible thing.
In an attempt to clear my head, here are many of the questions I am wrestling with:
- Will Hannalyn talk like she talks now when she goes back to school (cuz she's doing SO WELL right now)?
- When local, state, and federal government guidelines & policies disagree or contradict each other, which do I follow?
- Why do I feel like I'm suffocating when I wear a face mask?
- How do other people get such beautiful gardens?
- How can I be a better listener?
- Do I have "white privilege" if I've lived in a rural town where the only children who were not white were Native American?
- Can I support positive changes for people of color without thinking George Floyd is a martyr?
- What do I do about the pigeons living in my marquee?
- Will my business make it through the summer? Will my dad's business?
- Where do I find people who are musically inclined and want to share their talents?
- How can I better balance my understanding of illness & disease with the feelings of others?
- How did I get so blessed to have an amazing family?
- When will I do my first handstand and quit wimping out about it?
- Am I brave enough to ask the hard questions?
- Why won't our grass grow?
- Where is the reassurance that who I vote for will do the job they've promised?
- Do I really want to buy a truck? And then a trailer?
- Will we ever go back to "normal"? What if I don't think the "new normal" is sustainable?
- Is it altitude sickness or allergies that I get when we go up the mountain?
- How can I better support my siblings?
- Will my businesses ever support my family? Without needing other income?
- Why does Hannalyn get skin irritation?
- How can I work toward understanding people I disagree with?
- Does anyone else feel the Book of Mormon Come Follow Me study has matched world events?
- Am I going to really post this list?
I don't need answers. I've got a wonderful God and a wonderful set of scriptures that take my mind and focus. I feel so grateful and blessed to know that He loves me.
In an attempt to clear my head, here are many of the questions I am wrestling with:
- Will Hannalyn talk like she talks now when she goes back to school (cuz she's doing SO WELL right now)?
- When local, state, and federal government guidelines & policies disagree or contradict each other, which do I follow?
- Why do I feel like I'm suffocating when I wear a face mask?
- How do other people get such beautiful gardens?
- How can I be a better listener?
- Do I have "white privilege" if I've lived in a rural town where the only children who were not white were Native American?
- Can I support positive changes for people of color without thinking George Floyd is a martyr?
- What do I do about the pigeons living in my marquee?
- Will my business make it through the summer? Will my dad's business?
- Where do I find people who are musically inclined and want to share their talents?
- How can I better balance my understanding of illness & disease with the feelings of others?
- How did I get so blessed to have an amazing family?
- When will I do my first handstand and quit wimping out about it?
- Am I brave enough to ask the hard questions?
- Why won't our grass grow?
- Where is the reassurance that who I vote for will do the job they've promised?
- Do I really want to buy a truck? And then a trailer?
- Will we ever go back to "normal"? What if I don't think the "new normal" is sustainable?
- Is it altitude sickness or allergies that I get when we go up the mountain?
- How can I better support my siblings?
- Will my businesses ever support my family? Without needing other income?
- Why does Hannalyn get skin irritation?
- How can I work toward understanding people I disagree with?
- Does anyone else feel the Book of Mormon Come Follow Me study has matched world events?
- Am I going to really post this list?
I don't need answers. I've got a wonderful God and a wonderful set of scriptures that take my mind and focus. I feel so grateful and blessed to know that He loves me.
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