I’m fine

Dark. Alone. Cold. Hunched. Stiff. Tight. Curled. Aching. Scared. Worried. Clenched. Hard. Tired. 

Knowing no one would miss you if you were gone. No one would call you. No one would invite you. No one would hug you. No one would want you. 

Lost.

Do you have a friend? Someone you can call anytime? Laugh with and cry with? Share hopes and fears with? Who gives you compassion and understanding, inspires and challenges you to be better? Always withholds judgment. Trusts you. Wants to share their life and your life with you?

You are lucky.

Depression hits hard, man. It is so crappy feeling this way. Trying so hard to do and be better, feeling ignored and dismissed.

And alone.

I know that Jesus is there. I know I will be ok. Light will shine again and I will find peace. I will. He will. I know I am not forsaken, so honestly I’m doing better than probably many others. 

It’s just so darn hard. And lonely. And dark. Struggling makes you feel weak. Like a disappointment, failure, fraud. And every single word or gesture, every acknowledgement or lack thereof, every whisper or shout and look from someone’s eyes spells judgment. Misery. Disdain. Dismissal.

Even if it’s not meant to.

So what do you do? When your own brain fights against you? Where do you turn? When no one knows, no one cares? 

Jesus, of course. Yes, I know. 

I do. I have. I will.

And…eventually…this too shall pass.

I have to believe that.

It’s all I have.