- I was at the temple and as I walked out overheard a conversation between a lady and the brother at the desk. She was asking how to get the baptistery and he was giving her instructions. As soon as I walked out the door, the thought came to turn around and offer help. I told myself no way no how. I don’t talk to strangers. Seriously. And yet the feeling wouldn’t leave. So I turned around and waited by the door, telling myself the brother at the desk would follow the lady out and be showing her the way. Well. He didn’t come out so when she came out with her daughters, I asked if I could show them the way. They were very grateful, said this was the last temple they had to visit in Utah and were so excited. Then I left them to finish walking in and I went to my car.
- I was driving to the theatre and passed someone I know walking on the side of the road. I know where he works and where he lives and thought if he was walking home that would be an awful long walk in the heat. So the thought came to turn around and offer a ride. I immediately said no way. We aren’t that good of friends, I have somewhere to be, he will think it’s weird. The thought brought actual weight to my mind so I finally turned around and pulled over to talk to him. Turned out he was only going one more block and I didn’t give him a ride. But I felt good anyway.
- Last night while playing some music the thought came that I should record and share it. I don’t do that. Ever. But, once again, the thought wouldn’t go away. So I did it and I’m sharing it. Phew.
Preview attachment Nearer, My God, To Thee.m4a
Nearer, My God, To Thee.m4a
1.7 MB.
October 8, 2019
three times I followed a prompting
October 2, 2019
Book Review: Loving Like Jane
I really REALLY enjoyed this book. It was fun and witty from start to finish. I loved the Jane Austen quotes and learning more about her life was fascinating. Allie and Beckett are such fun characters that really grew on me as the story developed. I appreciated how things progressed between them, it felt natural and not pushed or rushed. Great story-line and great writing.
Find it on Goodreads here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/47514457-loving-like-jane
September 30, 2019
"what shall I do?"
"what shall I do?"
a simple enough question, really, but one that I have realized I often do not ask with intent. Here is the backstory of why I'm thinking about this:
Ammon and his brothers went to the land of their enemies to teach them about God. This was incredibly dangerous - they went knowing there was a good chance they would not return to see their families again. Once they get there, Ammon has immense success teaching the people he is with. He shares the Gospel of Jesus Christ with the people, many choose to accept it and things are going great. Lamoni - the king of the people Ammon has been teaching - asks Ammon to go with him to meet his father. Ammon is told by the voice of the Spirit that he needs to go to a different part of the land and try to free his brothers from prison. Lamoni decides instead of journeying to see his father, he will join Ammon.
First of all, let's talk about how incredible God's timing is in all of this, shall we? I mean, briefly, but wow! On the way to free Ammon's brothers from prison, he and Lamoni meet Lamoni's father who is coming to visit Lamoni. So, Ammon met the father anyway, but in a place and at a time that was arranged by God. If Ammon had gone to the father's palace (or wherever he lived), he would have been surrounded by guards and probably immediately carted off to prison himself. As it was, he was in a place to meet the king of the land in a secluded area, one-on-one, where neither had an advantage - except God.
After an incredible encounter, Lamoni's father journeys with them to release Ammon's brothers from prison. They are released, Ammon returns with Lamoni and Ammon's brother Aaron then travels to see Lamoni's father.
One of the first questions Lamoni's father asks Aaron is "what shall I do" to receive this redemption? (paraphrased) Aaron says simply to ask for it and the king falls to his knees and proceeds to pray to God.
This really stood out to me last night in my reading. I ask a lot of different people what I need to do fairly often, I ask how I can help, where I am needed, what the expectation is, what should I do. And then I do it whether it's finding a hammer or picking up a child or making dinner. But as I read of Lamoni's father, I felt as though I was missing out on an opportunity. I found myself wondering if, like the king, I ask "what shall I do" and really intend to do what is requested or if I just go through the motions. I do all the things, but do I do it and live with intent and with purpose? Or just by the expectation?
When was the last time I asked God "what shall I do" and then prayed with sincerity and acted immediately on the response?
. . . I have some big decisions coming up this week, both for me and my family, and I'm a little bit terrified. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I've felt a bit uncomfortable growing in these new ways. It's definitely been growth though, and for that knowledge I am grateful because that means that God is behind this 100%. It doesn't take away the anxiety of not knowing what to do. But I do know what I should do. And I will pray until I know where God wants me to go next.
He will answer. He will give me direction. He is always here. And He is for you, as well.
a simple enough question, really, but one that I have realized I often do not ask with intent. Here is the backstory of why I'm thinking about this:
Ammon and his brothers went to the land of their enemies to teach them about God. This was incredibly dangerous - they went knowing there was a good chance they would not return to see their families again. Once they get there, Ammon has immense success teaching the people he is with. He shares the Gospel of Jesus Christ with the people, many choose to accept it and things are going great. Lamoni - the king of the people Ammon has been teaching - asks Ammon to go with him to meet his father. Ammon is told by the voice of the Spirit that he needs to go to a different part of the land and try to free his brothers from prison. Lamoni decides instead of journeying to see his father, he will join Ammon.
First of all, let's talk about how incredible God's timing is in all of this, shall we? I mean, briefly, but wow! On the way to free Ammon's brothers from prison, he and Lamoni meet Lamoni's father who is coming to visit Lamoni. So, Ammon met the father anyway, but in a place and at a time that was arranged by God. If Ammon had gone to the father's palace (or wherever he lived), he would have been surrounded by guards and probably immediately carted off to prison himself. As it was, he was in a place to meet the king of the land in a secluded area, one-on-one, where neither had an advantage - except God.
After an incredible encounter, Lamoni's father journeys with them to release Ammon's brothers from prison. They are released, Ammon returns with Lamoni and Ammon's brother Aaron then travels to see Lamoni's father.
One of the first questions Lamoni's father asks Aaron is "what shall I do" to receive this redemption? (paraphrased) Aaron says simply to ask for it and the king falls to his knees and proceeds to pray to God.
This really stood out to me last night in my reading. I ask a lot of different people what I need to do fairly often, I ask how I can help, where I am needed, what the expectation is, what should I do. And then I do it whether it's finding a hammer or picking up a child or making dinner. But as I read of Lamoni's father, I felt as though I was missing out on an opportunity. I found myself wondering if, like the king, I ask "what shall I do" and really intend to do what is requested or if I just go through the motions. I do all the things, but do I do it and live with intent and with purpose? Or just by the expectation?
When was the last time I asked God "what shall I do" and then prayed with sincerity and acted immediately on the response?
. . . I have some big decisions coming up this week, both for me and my family, and I'm a little bit terrified. It's been a rough couple of weeks and I've felt a bit uncomfortable growing in these new ways. It's definitely been growth though, and for that knowledge I am grateful because that means that God is behind this 100%. It doesn't take away the anxiety of not knowing what to do. But I do know what I should do. And I will pray until I know where God wants me to go next.
He will answer. He will give me direction. He is always here. And He is for you, as well.
September 24, 2019
stream of consciousness
i just need to get some thoughts down and out of my head. when i do this sort of writing, punctuation and grammar tend to go out the window. i'm not apologizing, more warning. ;) i love writing stream of consciousness because i think it is more open and real, more vulnerable and honest. it gets rid of the editing of thoughts and ideas to perfection and is straight from the heart . . . or head.
a couple of weeks ago, last week even, things were going great. matilda opened and was awesome. We sold out every night and i was thrilled to see the response of audience members. they ate it up with open arms and had a blast. i am so proud of that team and that cast. they worked their tails off and deserve all the accolades they are receiving.
two things though stand out as negatives and i haven't been able to shake them from my mind. the first was a night where i felt as though i wasn't being trusted to do my job. i had several people telling me what to do and how to do it differently than i was already doing it, without any chance to reply in between. i admit, i was short and curt in my replies which i regret and am not proud of. i also resent the assumption that i wasn't already aware of and fixing problems. since then it's just kind of been pushed to the side as we've all united to a common goal and got the show p and running. now we are having a post-production meeting and i admit that i am worried it will turn into a bashing or therapy session. i know that the meeting needs to happen - i would love feedback on what people need to feel more supported and aid to create productions that continue to improve. i also hate the targeting that sometimes happens in these meetings. i'm optimistic and we'll see how things go.
the other thing was an altercation with a patron who was trying to bring in four water bottles to the theatre. daniel stopped her and explained that the ticketing policy and the sign on the door say 'no outside food or drink'. they were welcome to return the bottles to their car or leave them at the counter, but the drinks were not permitted in the theatre. she got more than offended. she asked what we would do if she was diabetic and asked to speak to the owner, who unluckily enough for her is me. she said multiple times they would not leave the bottles in the car and i, kindly i thought, responded with the bottles would not be entering the theatre. eventually, she went outside, drank her water bottle and came in. later in the production, she came to get concessions at the counter and was very friendly. i braced myself for the one-star review on facebook that i was sure was coming but it never showed up and i figured she'd just had a rotten day.
the next day she commented on a post by our store that is next door where we sell treats in addition to concessions and put up a big stink about how that food shouldn't be let in the theatre because it's coming from a door outside the main theatre door. i rolled my eyes and ignored it.
more than a week later, today, i posted on the theatre's social media about classes we have coming up and this patron posted with "but remember not to take any food or drink because that's against their policy".
i deleted it.
and i wanted to scream! maybe it's just because of where i am personally right now (which a few days ago was lots better than today, which is life). but i just can't understand the bullying and belittling and that she is still hanging onto it. apparently that was some darn important water. i just don't get it. i feel so bad for her that she feels as though she needs to bring it up again.
the policy is there mainly as a courtesy to those who have to clean the theatre which while including me is mostly the actors on performance nights. they don't want to have to clean up drinks or slushies that smell weird or that they don't know the origin of. they don't want to step in gum or have mysterious substances on the floor. swedish fish make it gross enough.
it makes me sick to my stomach, even though a different patron came up to me after the altercation after the show and told me she thought i handled it amazingly well and calmly and that she appreciated me sticking up for my policies. so that was nice. i just hate HATE confrontation and this patron seems to want to pick a fight. i can't figure out why. if she didn't like it, she could just leave that one-star review and never return to the theatre, right? i think the problem is she KNOWS she was wrong and that posting that kind of review would not actually do anything because other patrons would see she is being ridiculous. instead, she'll comment on posts and be derogatory until . . . i'm not sure when. and that makes me the most frustrated of all.
so. here i am. blogging about a couple things that have been frustrating to me recently and trying to get them out of my head. but life hasn't been all frustrating, in fact, lots of it has been really great.
Hannalyn is progressing so amazingly well at school. i am so proud of her. just being with other kids in an environment where she has to focus and learn has been the greatest thing for her. at times, it makes me feel like a really crappy mom and i have to move past that and just celebrate what she will do for her teacher at school that she won't do at home.
i've been learning how to best use my time while hannalyn is at school so while she is home we can be together. i like that intentionality (made up word. ha) to my day. it gives me focus and helps me feel good about the things i am doing well (which some days feels more or less).
i stopped teaching piano lessons. mostly. i have one student who is sticking it out to december but the rest of them found new teachers and switched when i told them that after december i wouldn't be teaching any more. it's been hard and i miss it most of the time. not as much as i thought i would though and while that is kind of disappointing, it is also relieving because i know that God is leading me down this path called life. i loved teaching and i miss my students, but having the time in the afternoon to spend with hannalyn and go on errands and just sit without stressing about who is coming or not coming and when i'll have time to make dinner . . . it's the best. i'm so grateful that my students were mostly understanding and willing to be kind to me as i stepped away from that part of my life. maybe forever, maybe not, we'll just have to see.
and so we come to the end of my time here today. when i went to therapy this morning, after i spilled my guts and cried for a minute because it had been a rough couple of days, my therapist shared a scripture. Esther 4:14 (i think - i should fact check that, but i'm running out of time). basically it says "know ye not that ye were prepared for a time such as this?" and to me that means that God has prepared me for this. for TODAY. not just tomorrow and next year and when He comes again, but today. this moment right now. i am prepared for this and i have been prepared for this and so even though THIS may be big or small or crappy or good or whatever - He prepared me for this moment. and that means that i can make it through. crazy thoughts in my brain and all. ;)
so the moral of the story is - life is good and we are doing ok. hannalyn is amazing, but that's never changed. we are making it through - sometimes a moment at a time and sometimes more, but always making it because God prepared us to do so. and He never lets us down. what a comforting thought.
happy tuesday.
a couple of weeks ago, last week even, things were going great. matilda opened and was awesome. We sold out every night and i was thrilled to see the response of audience members. they ate it up with open arms and had a blast. i am so proud of that team and that cast. they worked their tails off and deserve all the accolades they are receiving.
two things though stand out as negatives and i haven't been able to shake them from my mind. the first was a night where i felt as though i wasn't being trusted to do my job. i had several people telling me what to do and how to do it differently than i was already doing it, without any chance to reply in between. i admit, i was short and curt in my replies which i regret and am not proud of. i also resent the assumption that i wasn't already aware of and fixing problems. since then it's just kind of been pushed to the side as we've all united to a common goal and got the show p and running. now we are having a post-production meeting and i admit that i am worried it will turn into a bashing or therapy session. i know that the meeting needs to happen - i would love feedback on what people need to feel more supported and aid to create productions that continue to improve. i also hate the targeting that sometimes happens in these meetings. i'm optimistic and we'll see how things go.
the other thing was an altercation with a patron who was trying to bring in four water bottles to the theatre. daniel stopped her and explained that the ticketing policy and the sign on the door say 'no outside food or drink'. they were welcome to return the bottles to their car or leave them at the counter, but the drinks were not permitted in the theatre. she got more than offended. she asked what we would do if she was diabetic and asked to speak to the owner, who unluckily enough for her is me. she said multiple times they would not leave the bottles in the car and i, kindly i thought, responded with the bottles would not be entering the theatre. eventually, she went outside, drank her water bottle and came in. later in the production, she came to get concessions at the counter and was very friendly. i braced myself for the one-star review on facebook that i was sure was coming but it never showed up and i figured she'd just had a rotten day.
the next day she commented on a post by our store that is next door where we sell treats in addition to concessions and put up a big stink about how that food shouldn't be let in the theatre because it's coming from a door outside the main theatre door. i rolled my eyes and ignored it.
more than a week later, today, i posted on the theatre's social media about classes we have coming up and this patron posted with "but remember not to take any food or drink because that's against their policy".
i deleted it.
and i wanted to scream! maybe it's just because of where i am personally right now (which a few days ago was lots better than today, which is life). but i just can't understand the bullying and belittling and that she is still hanging onto it. apparently that was some darn important water. i just don't get it. i feel so bad for her that she feels as though she needs to bring it up again.
the policy is there mainly as a courtesy to those who have to clean the theatre which while including me is mostly the actors on performance nights. they don't want to have to clean up drinks or slushies that smell weird or that they don't know the origin of. they don't want to step in gum or have mysterious substances on the floor. swedish fish make it gross enough.
it makes me sick to my stomach, even though a different patron came up to me after the altercation after the show and told me she thought i handled it amazingly well and calmly and that she appreciated me sticking up for my policies. so that was nice. i just hate HATE confrontation and this patron seems to want to pick a fight. i can't figure out why. if she didn't like it, she could just leave that one-star review and never return to the theatre, right? i think the problem is she KNOWS she was wrong and that posting that kind of review would not actually do anything because other patrons would see she is being ridiculous. instead, she'll comment on posts and be derogatory until . . . i'm not sure when. and that makes me the most frustrated of all.
so. here i am. blogging about a couple things that have been frustrating to me recently and trying to get them out of my head. but life hasn't been all frustrating, in fact, lots of it has been really great.
Hannalyn is progressing so amazingly well at school. i am so proud of her. just being with other kids in an environment where she has to focus and learn has been the greatest thing for her. at times, it makes me feel like a really crappy mom and i have to move past that and just celebrate what she will do for her teacher at school that she won't do at home.
i've been learning how to best use my time while hannalyn is at school so while she is home we can be together. i like that intentionality (made up word. ha) to my day. it gives me focus and helps me feel good about the things i am doing well (which some days feels more or less).
i stopped teaching piano lessons. mostly. i have one student who is sticking it out to december but the rest of them found new teachers and switched when i told them that after december i wouldn't be teaching any more. it's been hard and i miss it most of the time. not as much as i thought i would though and while that is kind of disappointing, it is also relieving because i know that God is leading me down this path called life. i loved teaching and i miss my students, but having the time in the afternoon to spend with hannalyn and go on errands and just sit without stressing about who is coming or not coming and when i'll have time to make dinner . . . it's the best. i'm so grateful that my students were mostly understanding and willing to be kind to me as i stepped away from that part of my life. maybe forever, maybe not, we'll just have to see.
and so we come to the end of my time here today. when i went to therapy this morning, after i spilled my guts and cried for a minute because it had been a rough couple of days, my therapist shared a scripture. Esther 4:14 (i think - i should fact check that, but i'm running out of time). basically it says "know ye not that ye were prepared for a time such as this?" and to me that means that God has prepared me for this. for TODAY. not just tomorrow and next year and when He comes again, but today. this moment right now. i am prepared for this and i have been prepared for this and so even though THIS may be big or small or crappy or good or whatever - He prepared me for this moment. and that means that i can make it through. crazy thoughts in my brain and all. ;)
so the moral of the story is - life is good and we are doing ok. hannalyn is amazing, but that's never changed. we are making it through - sometimes a moment at a time and sometimes more, but always making it because God prepared us to do so. and He never lets us down. what a comforting thought.
happy tuesday.
September 21, 2019
Season 4 at Vernal Theatre: LIVE
We opened our fourth Season at Vernal Theatre: LIVE on September 13 (Roald Dahl day) with the new musical 'Matilda' and it was positively stellar. Such an incredible experience. We had so much fun and learned so much!
Pictures below are 1: My sister Megan as Miss Honey w/ Matilda, 2: the full cast picture w/ Daniel on the top L as Rudolpho, and 3: a super cool shot of the aerial acrobatics that we did for this production.
It was a great opener to a great Season. We can't wait for the rest of the shows. It's going to be so much fun!
Thank you to the cast and crew for such an incredible experience. Thank you for your talent and devotion to the theatre, for your sacrifice of time and willingness to do anything and everything for this show. Thank you for being so so amazing!
September 16, 2019
please send the invite
Daniel and I were invited to spend Sunday afternoon with a family in our ward playing games and eating cookies. It was Hannalyn's Primary Teacher and we had a delightful time. Seriously so much fun. We didn't stay long because Daniel had meetings, but Hannalyn loved playing with their youngest daughter and we played some new games which we always love doing.
After we left though, I felt melancholy. And that made me sad because I didn't want to be sad about such a lovely, relaxed and fun afternoon.
I finally realized that I felt sad because I realized that, other than a few outings to the park, it is the first time that my family has been invited any where. To do any thing. With any one. In . . . possibly a year or more.
Now, I love going to park with my friend & her boys and NOTHING is more precious to me than those hours at the park every other week. I love that time. And we take turns setting the day and time which is so perfect and chill and wonderful.
But the last time I was invited somewhere was to lunch on my birthday. In February.
And before that . . . maybe my birthday the year before? Oh sure - we talk about doing things all the time. But it never happens. We get busy and they get busy and suddenly a year has passed.
I got really sad about this for a moment. And then I had an epiphany.
I will never be the reason that someone feels this way.
I never want to be the one that doesn't send an invitation and someone goes weeks, months, years! without being invited. This is SO HARD for me because I feel like I am annoying. Seriously. I text so people so many times about so many things that it is a wonder to me that my number isn't blocked (maybe it is and I just don't know). I have had several conversations with God about this issue. And you know what He told me?
I never stop inviting you. Even when you don't answer.
And I felt that so deep in my soul that I knew that no matter what, if I feel impressed to invite someone even if I know they can't come, by golly I'll invite them anyway. Even - and especially - when it's hard.
My challenge to you is to send the invite. It's hard. It's scary. The house is messy and the children need to go to bed. It's been the worst week and there is not an extra hour to talk. Send the invite anyway. It does both you - and them - a world of difference. I promise.
Just getting the text made me smile and feel lighter than I had in days (even though I secretly admit I almost blew it off because I was anxious and worried). Just knowing that someone was thinking about my family made my WEEK. It was so simple to do and it meant the world to this introvert and her family.
September 14, 2019
where am i going with this?
I had a couple of interesting experiences this week that have made me think a lot:
+ A friend told me that someone else told them they are "fed up with the theatre".
+ A patron tried to bring four water bottles in to the theatre and then make a scene when I told her that she could not, questioned what I would do if she were diabetic. (she wasn't)
+ The computer running our sound system shut off in the middle of the performance muting all mics.
+ A Season Ticket Holder called and told me I was sold out of 'Matilda' tickets. I said yes we are and she said she'd redeem them faster next time.
+ Hannalyn was so excited for stories before bed that she blew a trumpet "doo doo doo"
+ Hannalyn's primary teacher invited us to her house to play games.
+ I told all my piano students that I won't be teaching after December.
+ One piano student decided to just stop now, though just for a minute til he gets in with a new teacher, five years to the week that he started with me.
All interesting and unrelated. Some hard some good. Some to be learned from and some to not be taken personally (though that is SO hard).
I keep thinking that if I get pregnant now I would have a baby in June . . . which has nothing to do with anything.
Why do I blog? Why am I writing this? Who is going to read it? How will they judge me? Sometimes I wish that certain people would see it though not because I show it to them because I can be passive-aggressive and want them to know things without me having to say it. Sometimes I wish that no one read my blog . . .
Maybe that's where I need to end it. I just about closed this page & discarded the draft altogether because why write and post if no one should read it?
Where am I going with this? I have not the slightest clue. Do you know how terrifying that is? I had a plan my whole life. Getting married and starting a family threw me for a loop a little cuz I had "done" that and didn't have another thing to do (as God laughed and threw me a theatre). Now . . . I am not sure I have a plan. Well, I do in some things.
Nashelle's 5 Step Plan:
- not give up on having a baby but not lose sight of the perfect child we have
- keep improving in therapy to where I can do this without it
- read my scriptures every day like the lifeline they are
- pray pray pray pray pray pray pray for my family and my business so I do what I can do right and with God's guidance and help
- get out of bed every morning determined to be and do better
oh and six
- love Daniel better and harder and stronger and so he knows it
So where am I going? To a better and happier place - and I don't mean Heaven (though that is the ultimate goal). But within myself, within this sphere, within this life that I am living. The point, as always I guess, is to remind myself that sucky things that happen are just that - sucky things that happen. They don't need to define my life or my day or my hour. They come and they go but it is the parts of my life that don't come and go - that stay - that matter: my family, my God and the life I want to live with and for them. Because life with and for them is pretty darn awesome.
Pretty darn. :)
+ A friend told me that someone else told them they are "fed up with the theatre".
+ A patron tried to bring four water bottles in to the theatre and then make a scene when I told her that she could not, questioned what I would do if she were diabetic. (she wasn't)
+ The computer running our sound system shut off in the middle of the performance muting all mics.
+ A Season Ticket Holder called and told me I was sold out of 'Matilda' tickets. I said yes we are and she said she'd redeem them faster next time.
+ Hannalyn was so excited for stories before bed that she blew a trumpet "doo doo doo"
+ Hannalyn's primary teacher invited us to her house to play games.
+ I told all my piano students that I won't be teaching after December.
+ One piano student decided to just stop now, though just for a minute til he gets in with a new teacher, five years to the week that he started with me.
All interesting and unrelated. Some hard some good. Some to be learned from and some to not be taken personally (though that is SO hard).
I keep thinking that if I get pregnant now I would have a baby in June . . . which has nothing to do with anything.
Why do I blog? Why am I writing this? Who is going to read it? How will they judge me? Sometimes I wish that certain people would see it though not because I show it to them because I can be passive-aggressive and want them to know things without me having to say it. Sometimes I wish that no one read my blog . . .
Maybe that's where I need to end it. I just about closed this page & discarded the draft altogether because why write and post if no one should read it?
Where am I going with this? I have not the slightest clue. Do you know how terrifying that is? I had a plan my whole life. Getting married and starting a family threw me for a loop a little cuz I had "done" that and didn't have another thing to do (as God laughed and threw me a theatre). Now . . . I am not sure I have a plan. Well, I do in some things.
Nashelle's 5 Step Plan:
- not give up on having a baby but not lose sight of the perfect child we have
- keep improving in therapy to where I can do this without it
- read my scriptures every day like the lifeline they are
- pray pray pray pray pray pray pray for my family and my business so I do what I can do right and with God's guidance and help
- get out of bed every morning determined to be and do better
oh and six
- love Daniel better and harder and stronger and so he knows it
So where am I going? To a better and happier place - and I don't mean Heaven (though that is the ultimate goal). But within myself, within this sphere, within this life that I am living. The point, as always I guess, is to remind myself that sucky things that happen are just that - sucky things that happen. They don't need to define my life or my day or my hour. They come and they go but it is the parts of my life that don't come and go - that stay - that matter: my family, my God and the life I want to live with and for them. Because life with and for them is pretty darn awesome.
Pretty darn. :)
September 11, 2019
a day of remembrance
This morning as I helped Hannalyn get out of the car, my feet froze. I set her on the ground, pulled her backpack out of the car and then felt stuck. It took me a minute to figure out that I was scared. Isn't that crazy? For the first time, I was scared to send my daughter to school.
I'd been thinking about September 11, 2001 as we all do when the anniversary rolls around. My grandfather was in Oman/Yemen at the time doing research. I remember getting home and my mom being clearly upset in her worry. You see, no one had heard from him since the day before and even though he was out in the wilderness, and most likely safe, it was a scary time. We were so relieved to get the call that my grandma had gotten a call late that night that he was safe and ok and the group was going to start trying to work their way home.
I remember sitting in school, in the dark band room with the news on while my band teacher was trying to call someone. I think it was her nephew? Or someone who was supposed to be in New York. She didn't think he was in danger, but wanted to hear his voice. I remember crying and not knowing why. As I got home and sat on my mom's bed watching the footage play over and over and over again, I remember that I would jump at every sound. I kept looking out the window to see if I could see a plane. When I went to school the next day, I was terrified to go into the building because I didn't feel safe. I wanted to be with my family so I wouldn't be one separated from my family.
Obviously I didn't have a firm grasp of the distance between New York and Vernal, Utah. I just remember everyone being afraid.
This has been a hard week. And it's only Wednesday! (eye roll at myself, yes, I deserve it) Hannalyn is having a hard time at school because of late nights at the theatre. I know that is what it is and I am struggling to find a solution. Because she is struggling, I am struggling. I spend my days wrapped in fear wondering if today I get another call and how much longer we can do this and how in the world did I end up being such a lousy mom?
I mean, when satan attacks, he attacks hard.
I have a pit in my stomach which usually means that something hard is coming. I feel like I'm already in hard so what else is there? *sigh*
This post is not meant to be a list of complaints or "woe is me".
I had a teacher in the 8th grade who I've remembered always for one particular lesson. He told a story about a girl who saw a problem, and instead of complaining about it like everyone else was doing, came up with and implemented a solution. This girl was in the grade older than me. Her brother was in a car accident. A really bad one that could have been worse, but was bad enough. The families living in her area had complained about not having a stop light at this particular intersection for years. YEARS! There were several accidents there and people knew it was dangerous, but all they did was say it was dangerous and complain about how no one would fix it. All it took was a 15 year old girl to get a petition, make a case to the city, and less than 6 months later they had a stop light. She didn't sit around complaining. She went and did the job.
The teacher's point was that anyone can complain. And everyone does. All it takes is someone to make a change.
Today I challenge you to be the someone. Instead of complaining about the weather, share your umbrella. Instead of complaining about the lack of customer service, wipe down your own table when you finish. Instead of complaining about how a business is run, take your concerns to the owner and get it addressed. Instead of complaining like everyone, be a someone and do something about it.
Our country is really great about banding together in dark times. During tragedies, the bright lights of good people shine and spread throughout the nation.
As we remember 9-11, can we remember to take that unity, kindness, benefit of doubt, courage and gratitude into the rest of the year? Or maybe just even the rest of the week. I think we'd be surprised at the difference we see.
9-11 was full of a bunch of someones. Someone who pulled out another someone out of the rubble. It wasn't just anybody - it was someone's father, mother, sister, brother, aunt, uncle . . . Be someone.
I'd been thinking about September 11, 2001 as we all do when the anniversary rolls around. My grandfather was in Oman/Yemen at the time doing research. I remember getting home and my mom being clearly upset in her worry. You see, no one had heard from him since the day before and even though he was out in the wilderness, and most likely safe, it was a scary time. We were so relieved to get the call that my grandma had gotten a call late that night that he was safe and ok and the group was going to start trying to work their way home.
I remember sitting in school, in the dark band room with the news on while my band teacher was trying to call someone. I think it was her nephew? Or someone who was supposed to be in New York. She didn't think he was in danger, but wanted to hear his voice. I remember crying and not knowing why. As I got home and sat on my mom's bed watching the footage play over and over and over again, I remember that I would jump at every sound. I kept looking out the window to see if I could see a plane. When I went to school the next day, I was terrified to go into the building because I didn't feel safe. I wanted to be with my family so I wouldn't be one separated from my family.
Obviously I didn't have a firm grasp of the distance between New York and Vernal, Utah. I just remember everyone being afraid.
This has been a hard week. And it's only Wednesday! (eye roll at myself, yes, I deserve it) Hannalyn is having a hard time at school because of late nights at the theatre. I know that is what it is and I am struggling to find a solution. Because she is struggling, I am struggling. I spend my days wrapped in fear wondering if today I get another call and how much longer we can do this and how in the world did I end up being such a lousy mom?
I mean, when satan attacks, he attacks hard.
I have a pit in my stomach which usually means that something hard is coming. I feel like I'm already in hard so what else is there? *sigh*
This post is not meant to be a list of complaints or "woe is me".
I had a teacher in the 8th grade who I've remembered always for one particular lesson. He told a story about a girl who saw a problem, and instead of complaining about it like everyone else was doing, came up with and implemented a solution. This girl was in the grade older than me. Her brother was in a car accident. A really bad one that could have been worse, but was bad enough. The families living in her area had complained about not having a stop light at this particular intersection for years. YEARS! There were several accidents there and people knew it was dangerous, but all they did was say it was dangerous and complain about how no one would fix it. All it took was a 15 year old girl to get a petition, make a case to the city, and less than 6 months later they had a stop light. She didn't sit around complaining. She went and did the job.
The teacher's point was that anyone can complain. And everyone does. All it takes is someone to make a change.
Today I challenge you to be the someone. Instead of complaining about the weather, share your umbrella. Instead of complaining about the lack of customer service, wipe down your own table when you finish. Instead of complaining about how a business is run, take your concerns to the owner and get it addressed. Instead of complaining like everyone, be a someone and do something about it.
Our country is really great about banding together in dark times. During tragedies, the bright lights of good people shine and spread throughout the nation.
As we remember 9-11, can we remember to take that unity, kindness, benefit of doubt, courage and gratitude into the rest of the year? Or maybe just even the rest of the week. I think we'd be surprised at the difference we see.
9-11 was full of a bunch of someones. Someone who pulled out another someone out of the rubble. It wasn't just anybody - it was someone's father, mother, sister, brother, aunt, uncle . . . Be someone.
August 27, 2019
running away
I did something crazy and ran away to Disneyland with Hannalyn a couple of weeks ago.
It was absolutely incredible.
It came after a long, hard summer. I mean, things are good and nothing really crazy happened but life was definitely getting to me. I wanted a break. I needed some time away to decompress and just enjoy things for a little bit. The hard part was timing it with Daniel and eventually it ended up not working out. He spent 4 days in Houston the week before I could get to California and so later I giggled about spending 8 days right after our 8th anniversary apart. At the time I was really disappointed, but even though we missed Daniel lots it was the most amazing trip and I'm glad I could go with my parents and two of my siblings.
Plus they took great care of Hannalyn so I could relax, too. ;)
We drove to California on Thursday. It was supposed to take 12 hours and took 14. YUCK. Worth it, though. Hannalyn was mostly good. We had a brief period where she thought it would be hilarious to take off her seatbelt in the car . . . while we were speeding down the freeway . . . Sheesh. Five year olds, am I right? Haha. We finally made it and went straight to the beach. Hannalyn refused to touch the sand at first and by the end of the 30 minutes we were there, she was running straight into the ocean and the incoming tide. We had to keep a tight hold on her. It was such a blast. We loved it.
Made it to the hotel and went to bed early. Two days at Disneyland was divine and just what the doctor ordered. I loved watching Hannalyn explore everything. We did everything we wanted to and took an easy pace that made it the best time ever. Seriously. My siblings were great and helping with Hannalyn and taking it slow with her. And she was incredible. She walked most of it, slow as she was, and after getting off rides would put both hands in the air and shot "It was awesome!" the videos I have of her are perfection and never leaving my device. <3
Sunday we drove home and Hannalyn honestly slept most of it. Ha! We stopped for dinner with my grandparents in Orem and then made it home late and went straight to bed. It was a beautiful escape. I feel so blessed to have been able to go. Hannalyn & I would have been fine on our own (I was going somewhere and nothing was stopping me), but having my parents & siblings to help with her made it even better than I'd imagined. I am so blessed and so grateful for the people in my life. They really are the best.
It was absolutely incredible.
It came after a long, hard summer. I mean, things are good and nothing really crazy happened but life was definitely getting to me. I wanted a break. I needed some time away to decompress and just enjoy things for a little bit. The hard part was timing it with Daniel and eventually it ended up not working out. He spent 4 days in Houston the week before I could get to California and so later I giggled about spending 8 days right after our 8th anniversary apart. At the time I was really disappointed, but even though we missed Daniel lots it was the most amazing trip and I'm glad I could go with my parents and two of my siblings.
Plus they took great care of Hannalyn so I could relax, too. ;)
We drove to California on Thursday. It was supposed to take 12 hours and took 14. YUCK. Worth it, though. Hannalyn was mostly good. We had a brief period where she thought it would be hilarious to take off her seatbelt in the car . . . while we were speeding down the freeway . . . Sheesh. Five year olds, am I right? Haha. We finally made it and went straight to the beach. Hannalyn refused to touch the sand at first and by the end of the 30 minutes we were there, she was running straight into the ocean and the incoming tide. We had to keep a tight hold on her. It was such a blast. We loved it.
Made it to the hotel and went to bed early. Two days at Disneyland was divine and just what the doctor ordered. I loved watching Hannalyn explore everything. We did everything we wanted to and took an easy pace that made it the best time ever. Seriously. My siblings were great and helping with Hannalyn and taking it slow with her. And she was incredible. She walked most of it, slow as she was, and after getting off rides would put both hands in the air and shot "It was awesome!" the videos I have of her are perfection and never leaving my device. <3
Sunday we drove home and Hannalyn honestly slept most of it. Ha! We stopped for dinner with my grandparents in Orem and then made it home late and went straight to bed. It was a beautiful escape. I feel so blessed to have been able to go. Hannalyn & I would have been fine on our own (I was going somewhere and nothing was stopping me), but having my parents & siblings to help with her made it even better than I'd imagined. I am so blessed and so grateful for the people in my life. They really are the best.
August 22, 2019
time flies
It's been two months since my last post.
Most of the last two months has been good. Some bad. Lots of "normal".
But I miss blogging so I'm back to spewing out my thoughts in this corner of the internet for your perusal and enjoyment.
To be honest though, most of the reason I haven't blogged for the last two months is because I've had Hannalyn home and I've been trying to put as much energy and focus into her as I could this summer. It's been beautiful - it really has - and it made school starting yesterday extremely hard. I didn't cry (woot!) but man I wanted to. Watching her enter that room was alternately thrilling and terrifying. She is so ready, though, and I can be for her, too.
Luckily I remembered my tactic from last year and I planned the morning out full of all the things I needed to get done so there would be no moping or time to lament the sounds I was missing in my house. It worked! And I survived both the first - and second - days of kindergarten. Ha.
Hannalyn is loving school. Her teacher is great, she knows a few of the girls in her class already, and has been absolutely stellar. I'm so pleased and so proud.
We (Hannalyn and I) were able to take a four-day jaunt to California. It was positively amazing. Daniel had to work and we missed him so very much. I am so grateful that we were able to go. We drove Thursday, played at Disneyland on Friday & Saturday, then drove home Sunday. Short and crazy and a whirlwind of awesome. Hannalyn was incredible. She walked most of it - the second day lots slower, but still mostly on her own. ;) She loved all the rides and being so immersed in the Disney-ness of everything. It was fantastic to watch. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to go. And it was the best break for me as well. I turned off my devices and set emails to send saying I was gone and then jumped into the fun with both feet. I have pictures that I'll share soon.
July was High School Musical Jr and what a crazy, wild ride that was. 60 kids - two casts - nightly rehearsals of craziness and fun. They did so awesome and put together a great show in just three weeks. Dang I was pooped after, but it was totally worth it to see those kids succeed.
That's it. A quick summer sum-up before Hannalyn wakes up from her nap (she almost fell asleep on the 5 minute drive home yesterday and today. 7:30am wake up is rough for a girl who has never woken up before 8:30am) and a good time for me to stretch my fingers. I'll be back more often, but probably never as much as I wish.
It's ok though. That's life and timing, a bit of this and a bit of that. It's good.
See you sooner than two months. ;) I hope your summer was amazing!
Most of the last two months has been good. Some bad. Lots of "normal".
But I miss blogging so I'm back to spewing out my thoughts in this corner of the internet for your perusal and enjoyment.
To be honest though, most of the reason I haven't blogged for the last two months is because I've had Hannalyn home and I've been trying to put as much energy and focus into her as I could this summer. It's been beautiful - it really has - and it made school starting yesterday extremely hard. I didn't cry (woot!) but man I wanted to. Watching her enter that room was alternately thrilling and terrifying. She is so ready, though, and I can be for her, too.
Luckily I remembered my tactic from last year and I planned the morning out full of all the things I needed to get done so there would be no moping or time to lament the sounds I was missing in my house. It worked! And I survived both the first - and second - days of kindergarten. Ha.
Hannalyn is loving school. Her teacher is great, she knows a few of the girls in her class already, and has been absolutely stellar. I'm so pleased and so proud.
We (Hannalyn and I) were able to take a four-day jaunt to California. It was positively amazing. Daniel had to work and we missed him so very much. I am so grateful that we were able to go. We drove Thursday, played at Disneyland on Friday & Saturday, then drove home Sunday. Short and crazy and a whirlwind of awesome. Hannalyn was incredible. She walked most of it - the second day lots slower, but still mostly on her own. ;) She loved all the rides and being so immersed in the Disney-ness of everything. It was fantastic to watch. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to go. And it was the best break for me as well. I turned off my devices and set emails to send saying I was gone and then jumped into the fun with both feet. I have pictures that I'll share soon.
July was High School Musical Jr and what a crazy, wild ride that was. 60 kids - two casts - nightly rehearsals of craziness and fun. They did so awesome and put together a great show in just three weeks. Dang I was pooped after, but it was totally worth it to see those kids succeed.
That's it. A quick summer sum-up before Hannalyn wakes up from her nap (she almost fell asleep on the 5 minute drive home yesterday and today. 7:30am wake up is rough for a girl who has never woken up before 8:30am) and a good time for me to stretch my fingers. I'll be back more often, but probably never as much as I wish.
It's ok though. That's life and timing, a bit of this and a bit of that. It's good.
See you sooner than two months. ;) I hope your summer was amazing!
June 26, 2019
Book Review: Flirting with First
Excellent storytelling, great characters, fun romance. I really enjoyed that this was truly a clean romance and that there was depth to the relationship. I giggled and had so much fun delving in to this book. I couldn't put it down!
AMAZON
GOODREADS
June 6, 2019
friending better
I've been reading a lot about love recently. I went back and reviewed my Love Languages profile (if you haven't done it you definitely should) and I reviewed my 16 Personalities results (I'm an Advocate - woot! and it's scary accurate). I've also been thinking a lot about how I love other people and wondering if other people love me and just thinking about love.
Not romantic love. Friend-love. You know what I mean.
I've been thinking about who I love and who I want to love. I have been trying to figure out if I sometimes say "I love you" flippantly or if I always mean it. I've been struggling to put things into words and trying not to make my insecurities a big deal. And then I realized that I have insecurities and that made everything crazy. Ha!
I wrote this post in April called WHO DO YOU INVITE (you can click that link if you want to). Basically it asks the question "who do you invite"? and what makes you want to invite them? I thought it was a curious post when I wrote it. It was something that I'd been thinking about for a while but the post doesn't have a point, really.
Then I read a couple other posts shared by friends:
WHY WASN'T I INVITED?
and
WHEN FRIENDS DON'T FEEL THE SAME AS YOU
My heart started hurting because I realized that I am this person. I feel like a 13-year old full of insecurity and fear when it comes to talking to people who I want to be my friends. I'm worried they won't like me, that they won't want to talk to me and that I won't be invited to hang out with them after we talk.
And the hard thing is? I am seeing this happening in my life.
Now, of course, I absolutely one hundred percent believe that what you put into the universe is going to shape your experiences. If I think that I am un-friend-able, then I will be.
I also absolutely one hundred percent believe that I am most likely not alone in this feeling and that it takes addressing it to be able to get to that positive energy side. So here I am, alone in my blog-o-sphere, addressing it.
Awesome coping mechanism. ;)
When I was young, I had a couple of close friends. Usually I would find one person to cling and hold on to and be their best friend for a couple of years then school schedules would force us apart and I would find a new person who I would cling to. I had several friends, but only one or two with whom I was really close. My junior year of high school, I completely left my group of friends. There is a long story behind that, but to sum up I went into my senior year with two close friends and a bunch of people who I knew but didn't see outside of our mutually shared activities.
When I went to college, I was determined to change that. No one knew who I was from high school, no one knew that I'd been shy and quiet and insecure so I decided that I would be exactly who I wanted to be. And I was! And it was amazing! That first year of college I felt good about myself a whole lot of the time. I took care of myself and my appearance, I had fun, I initiated conversations, I talked to people even if I felt insecure doing it because THEY didn't know I was insecure so I could do what I wanted! It was such a blast. My second year of college I had a more established group of friends and so even though I was still holding onto my push to be this "more exciting and friendly" me, I didn't feel like I had to try so hard.
I left college and haven't talked to anyone, except my three roommates, since.
Was I wrong? Was I fake? Was I overbearing? These are thoughts that - I am not lying - still come to me when I'm alone or sad or just sitting. I question my motives and actions and wonder if anyone (except my roommates who I love so dearly) were my friends at all. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. I don't regret my college experiences and I am so proud of myself for being strong and outgoing and friendly and being who I wanted to be. I just wonder if I tried too hard and that's why, when college reunions happen, I'm not invited.
When Daniel and I got married, we lived with two other couples in the same house. I got up my courage and invited them to be part of a monthly FHE. We invited a couple other people from our ward and who we knew from school and had about six couples who would get together once a month for games and fun and food. It was incredible. I was determined to continue it when we moved because I wanted to have friends and be in a position to do fun and good things.
I didn't do it.
I was pregnant and getting ready for baby when we moved then PTSD struck and I never left my house. But even as the years have progressed and my baby has gotten older, I find myself back to where I was in junior high and high school - sitting in the corner, waiting to be acknowledged because I'm too scared to put myself up in front. I don't like being the spotlight. I love being part of the group.
I know that I have made a lot of mistakes - sitting in the corner isn't a sure way to make friends, and this I know. I look at other people and envy their friendships. I look at them coming and going, laughing and talking and sharing so easily with each other and I wish that I could do that. I recognize in myself a tendency to "cling" and I know that no one likes that, so I just stay away. When I feel myself starting to "cling" to a person, I tend to completely back down and stay away for a while.
Now, I have friends. I know that there are people who like me. (I hope!) And yet whenever I'm not invited, I hurt. Whenever I'm not included, I am sad. Should I do more? Put myself out there more? Or is that overbearing. I worry a lot about my social skills, or lack thereof. Maybe I don't know how to make friends.
And then I start to worry about Hannalyn. Will she not be invited places because parents don't want me there? Will she have friends and be able to have incredible experiences with other kids her age or will I hamper that?
Circles in the mind are dangerous and scary. I promise I'm not freaking out about this, I just realized that it's been on my mind and I want to do better. I want to be better.
I want to be better.
I think that's why I've been studying love. I know that in order to have friends, I need to be a friend. And despite my claims to the contrary, I do like people. I want people to like me. I've been trying really hard with a couple of specific people in my life to listen to promptings and figure out what they need and how I can be their friend. I want them to know that I'm genuine and want to be closer to them. I feel like, as an adult, I'm learning how to be a friend all over again even though I'ms ure I learned this as a young child. Right?!
But people change. I've changed dramatically from one year ago, five years ago, seven years ago. Sheesh! And that means that friendships change. Hopefully they grow and evolve and stay beautiful, but sometimes that means that all we get to have are memories. And that should be ok.
My hope for myself for the next while is that I can be a better friend, a stronger friend, nicer and more loving and supportive. Happy. Giving. More Christ-like. I hope that I'll have good news to report in the future.
Friends are important. I am important. We can do this.
Not romantic love. Friend-love. You know what I mean.
I've been thinking about who I love and who I want to love. I have been trying to figure out if I sometimes say "I love you" flippantly or if I always mean it. I've been struggling to put things into words and trying not to make my insecurities a big deal. And then I realized that I have insecurities and that made everything crazy. Ha!
I wrote this post in April called WHO DO YOU INVITE (you can click that link if you want to). Basically it asks the question "who do you invite"? and what makes you want to invite them? I thought it was a curious post when I wrote it. It was something that I'd been thinking about for a while but the post doesn't have a point, really.
Then I read a couple other posts shared by friends:
WHY WASN'T I INVITED?
and
WHEN FRIENDS DON'T FEEL THE SAME AS YOU
My heart started hurting because I realized that I am this person. I feel like a 13-year old full of insecurity and fear when it comes to talking to people who I want to be my friends. I'm worried they won't like me, that they won't want to talk to me and that I won't be invited to hang out with them after we talk.
And the hard thing is? I am seeing this happening in my life.
Now, of course, I absolutely one hundred percent believe that what you put into the universe is going to shape your experiences. If I think that I am un-friend-able, then I will be.
I also absolutely one hundred percent believe that I am most likely not alone in this feeling and that it takes addressing it to be able to get to that positive energy side. So here I am, alone in my blog-o-sphere, addressing it.
Awesome coping mechanism. ;)
When I was young, I had a couple of close friends. Usually I would find one person to cling and hold on to and be their best friend for a couple of years then school schedules would force us apart and I would find a new person who I would cling to. I had several friends, but only one or two with whom I was really close. My junior year of high school, I completely left my group of friends. There is a long story behind that, but to sum up I went into my senior year with two close friends and a bunch of people who I knew but didn't see outside of our mutually shared activities.
When I went to college, I was determined to change that. No one knew who I was from high school, no one knew that I'd been shy and quiet and insecure so I decided that I would be exactly who I wanted to be. And I was! And it was amazing! That first year of college I felt good about myself a whole lot of the time. I took care of myself and my appearance, I had fun, I initiated conversations, I talked to people even if I felt insecure doing it because THEY didn't know I was insecure so I could do what I wanted! It was such a blast. My second year of college I had a more established group of friends and so even though I was still holding onto my push to be this "more exciting and friendly" me, I didn't feel like I had to try so hard.
I left college and haven't talked to anyone, except my three roommates, since.
Was I wrong? Was I fake? Was I overbearing? These are thoughts that - I am not lying - still come to me when I'm alone or sad or just sitting. I question my motives and actions and wonder if anyone (except my roommates who I love so dearly) were my friends at all. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. I don't regret my college experiences and I am so proud of myself for being strong and outgoing and friendly and being who I wanted to be. I just wonder if I tried too hard and that's why, when college reunions happen, I'm not invited.
When Daniel and I got married, we lived with two other couples in the same house. I got up my courage and invited them to be part of a monthly FHE. We invited a couple other people from our ward and who we knew from school and had about six couples who would get together once a month for games and fun and food. It was incredible. I was determined to continue it when we moved because I wanted to have friends and be in a position to do fun and good things.
I didn't do it.
I was pregnant and getting ready for baby when we moved then PTSD struck and I never left my house. But even as the years have progressed and my baby has gotten older, I find myself back to where I was in junior high and high school - sitting in the corner, waiting to be acknowledged because I'm too scared to put myself up in front. I don't like being the spotlight. I love being part of the group.
I know that I have made a lot of mistakes - sitting in the corner isn't a sure way to make friends, and this I know. I look at other people and envy their friendships. I look at them coming and going, laughing and talking and sharing so easily with each other and I wish that I could do that. I recognize in myself a tendency to "cling" and I know that no one likes that, so I just stay away. When I feel myself starting to "cling" to a person, I tend to completely back down and stay away for a while.
Now, I have friends. I know that there are people who like me. (I hope!) And yet whenever I'm not invited, I hurt. Whenever I'm not included, I am sad. Should I do more? Put myself out there more? Or is that overbearing. I worry a lot about my social skills, or lack thereof. Maybe I don't know how to make friends.
And then I start to worry about Hannalyn. Will she not be invited places because parents don't want me there? Will she have friends and be able to have incredible experiences with other kids her age or will I hamper that?
Circles in the mind are dangerous and scary. I promise I'm not freaking out about this, I just realized that it's been on my mind and I want to do better. I want to be better.
I want to be better.
I think that's why I've been studying love. I know that in order to have friends, I need to be a friend. And despite my claims to the contrary, I do like people. I want people to like me. I've been trying really hard with a couple of specific people in my life to listen to promptings and figure out what they need and how I can be their friend. I want them to know that I'm genuine and want to be closer to them. I feel like, as an adult, I'm learning how to be a friend all over again even though I'ms ure I learned this as a young child. Right?!
But people change. I've changed dramatically from one year ago, five years ago, seven years ago. Sheesh! And that means that friendships change. Hopefully they grow and evolve and stay beautiful, but sometimes that means that all we get to have are memories. And that should be ok.
My hope for myself for the next while is that I can be a better friend, a stronger friend, nicer and more loving and supportive. Happy. Giving. More Christ-like. I hope that I'll have good news to report in the future.
Friends are important. I am important. We can do this.
June 5, 2019
dad's birthday
Today is my dad's birthday.
He is a really great guy. I like him a lot and Hannalyn does, too. I have lots of really awesome memories of being with my dad - him reading me stories, playing games, teaching us how to do dangerous things, more stories & games, camping, fishing, rafting, building fires, still more stories & games, watching movies, driving, and even more stories & games.
I remember sitting in the stands during a BYU Football game where it was pouring rain - it felt like an inch in the stands around my ankles - and people throwing tortillas and watching my dad have the best time and letting me have my first glo-stick.
I remember countless Saturday mornings where he would start barking upstairs and we would know donuts had arrived (he once told us there were puppies in the box instead of donuts and it stuck).
I remember watching old movies and just enjoying him laughing even though I didn't get most of it.
I remember watching him play the original Mario Brothers game and wishing I could get as far on the levels as he did. He showed me shortcuts and and how to get the most coins and would always get much higher on the levels than I ever could.
I remember him giving me his finger to squeeze when I got a particular nasty splinter in my palm the length of my palm so my mom could dig it out.
I remember the first time he told the Oochie Coochie Bear story by the fire while we were camping and laughing until we were crying.
I remember how nervous he was to baptize me when I was eight even though he told me not to be nervous because he promised not to drop me.
I remember the first time he held Hannalyn.
And man. I am so grateful for the memories. These ones and so many more.
We're making another 55 years worth, Old Wolf. Happy birthday.
xoxo
me
He is a really great guy. I like him a lot and Hannalyn does, too. I have lots of really awesome memories of being with my dad - him reading me stories, playing games, teaching us how to do dangerous things, more stories & games, camping, fishing, rafting, building fires, still more stories & games, watching movies, driving, and even more stories & games.
I remember sitting in the stands during a BYU Football game where it was pouring rain - it felt like an inch in the stands around my ankles - and people throwing tortillas and watching my dad have the best time and letting me have my first glo-stick.
I remember countless Saturday mornings where he would start barking upstairs and we would know donuts had arrived (he once told us there were puppies in the box instead of donuts and it stuck).
I remember watching old movies and just enjoying him laughing even though I didn't get most of it.
I remember watching him play the original Mario Brothers game and wishing I could get as far on the levels as he did. He showed me shortcuts and and how to get the most coins and would always get much higher on the levels than I ever could.
I remember him giving me his finger to squeeze when I got a particular nasty splinter in my palm the length of my palm so my mom could dig it out.
I remember the first time he told the Oochie Coochie Bear story by the fire while we were camping and laughing until we were crying.
I remember how nervous he was to baptize me when I was eight even though he told me not to be nervous because he promised not to drop me.
I remember the first time he held Hannalyn.
And man. I am so grateful for the memories. These ones and so many more.
We're making another 55 years worth, Old Wolf. Happy birthday.
xoxo
me
May 31, 2019
the baby sister graduates
Well. It's official. My baby sister graduated last week and it was an EVENT. Holy moly. And so exciting. Actually, it was really weird because I realized that Daniel's youngest brother graduated eight years ago - and I was there for it! There were memories happening all over the place.
We had decent seats - not too high, not too low. Umbrellas all around us that helped a lot when the rain and the HAIL came. Yes, you read that right. It hailed on us. Hence Hannalyn's winter coat and my layers upon layers to keep me warm. Ugh. It was so cold. Megan is the one in the white in the center of the picture - furthest to the left.
We kept ourselves pretty well entertained, though. We loved having family around to play with Hannalyn and keep her covered during the wet parts. We enjoyed the speeches - most of them were short and sweet and only one had an Endgame spoiler that got a huge groan from the crowd . . . Yup. That was too bad, but very deliberate. Ha! I guess that's life.
I'm so proud of Megan. She had a rough four years in high school and has grown so much from her trials. She refused to be beaten down and she won! She made it through the crap and became such an incredible example and leader. She is beautiful inside and out and I'm so grateful that she is my sister.
Congratulations, lady luck! We're rooting for you still and love you SO much!
xoxo
me
May 30, 2019
daniel's birthday
Daniel is officially 31. Wow! A great milestone. I mean, it's the first birthday past 30 which makes it a big deal right? He had a great day despite the rain ruining his golfing plans. My favorite part was watching him spend the morning with Hannalyn - she was absolutely thrilled to have him home for the day (Daniel took the day off work) and followed him around, interacted with him, and was overall adorable. It was great to see them together outside the "norm" of life. It was such a special day. We ate some delicious food, Hannalyn chose balloons for Daniel's present and was over-the-moon excited to give them to him, and we just hung out.
I'm so grateful for this awesome guy and for all the incredible things he is. It was a rough year being 30 - lots of unexpected ups and downs that Daniel worked really hard to overcome. I'm proud of him for doing it and being better and happier for it. I love seeing him so happy.
You're going to CRUSH 31, love. Happy birthday - and a year full of happy wishes, too.
xoxo
me.
May 24, 2019
my social media is different than yours
I have a major love/hate relationship with social media. I think many of us do. It's an amazing place to connect with friends near and far, see businesses, look at memes and find inspirational stories. It is also a black hole to the crummy dark world of meanness and hate that we live in fueled by anything and everything that gets a rise out of you or your neighbor or that kid you knew in high school.
I think one of the things I struggle with the most, however, is the judging of how other people use social media.
For example. May is a big month. There was Mother's Day, graduation for my littlest sister, Daniel's birthday, and Mental Health Awareness month. I wrote a post on Mother's Day celebrating my mother. Long, but not terribly. I enjoyed writing it and reflecting on how much I love her and documenting my thoughts with a fun picture and memory.
And then a friend of mine shared a meme that said "I'm one of the few people who said Happy Mother's Day to my mom in person rather than writing a post on social media."
My first thought was, and I am not joking, I SHOULD GO DELETE MY POST ABOUT MY MOM.
Now, I didn't do it and I am so glad that I didn't because then I thought about all the people who can't talk to their mother in person. Or even on the phone. I got very irritated that this post is judging those who choose to show their love by writing words. Sure, not everyone needs to post those words on social media - some journal or write it in a card. For me, I type faster than I can write and I wanted it connected with that picture. I save those posts in a place for myself to revisit later as part of my journaling.
Was I wrong to write about my mom? NO. And I was still able to see her later in the day, give her a hug, help make dinner, tell her I love her in person and she told me that she liked what I wrote and it made her feel good.
What about the people who don't have a mother to call or visit? And don't tell me they can go visit someone else's mom. While true, that's not usually how it happens. When my mom dies, I hope that I still write nice things about her. Some I will share and some I will not. That's how it is now and I foresee it being how it will always be.
I wrote a post about Mental Health Awareness month sharing my story. I was inspired to do so by reading posts written by people who I admire. Now, I'm not sure that I am very admired (at least not in the way that I look up to others) but it doesn't change the fact that we are all having a human experience and it oftentimes helps to remember that. That means sharing the good AND the bad sometimes. This way, we can realize we don't know all that is going on in someone's life and we can be kinder to those around us. Plus, I think it breaks up the monotony of hate that becomes the feed.
And then a friend of mine shared a meme that said "Don't people know sharing their problems on social media won't fix them?"
Again, momentary insanity of OH MY GOSH DID I MAKE A MISTAKE AND SHOULD I TAKE IT DOWN?!
Again, I didn't. And the words I received on that post from people who I know were strengthening, healing, uplifting and uniting. All the things I didn't know I needed. And maybe, just maybe, someone else read something they needed to know for themselves or for a loved one. Maybe.
So here's the thing - social media is different for everyone. Some use it for mindless scrolling to escape life, some use it to promote their business to new and vast audiences, some follow celebrities, some only follow a few close friends, some post every picture of every naked baby they see and some are very private. Everyone does it differently and, in my opinion, that's great! Whatever the preference, we shouldn't be judging who writes about their mom or who posts about their mental health. There are other problems in the world and on the internet. Besides, if you don't like it, don't follow it and allow it in your feed.
Disclaimer: I know these two friends were likely not sharing those memes as a result of my post, but it gave me pause to think and I'm glad that it did.
And for goodness sake, love your people - on social media and off. We don't need more psycho-analyzers of why someone wrote about their garden or their car or their mom. We need more love. So get out there and love today.
I think one of the things I struggle with the most, however, is the judging of how other people use social media.
For example. May is a big month. There was Mother's Day, graduation for my littlest sister, Daniel's birthday, and Mental Health Awareness month. I wrote a post on Mother's Day celebrating my mother. Long, but not terribly. I enjoyed writing it and reflecting on how much I love her and documenting my thoughts with a fun picture and memory.
And then a friend of mine shared a meme that said "I'm one of the few people who said Happy Mother's Day to my mom in person rather than writing a post on social media."
My first thought was, and I am not joking, I SHOULD GO DELETE MY POST ABOUT MY MOM.
Now, I didn't do it and I am so glad that I didn't because then I thought about all the people who can't talk to their mother in person. Or even on the phone. I got very irritated that this post is judging those who choose to show their love by writing words. Sure, not everyone needs to post those words on social media - some journal or write it in a card. For me, I type faster than I can write and I wanted it connected with that picture. I save those posts in a place for myself to revisit later as part of my journaling.
Was I wrong to write about my mom? NO. And I was still able to see her later in the day, give her a hug, help make dinner, tell her I love her in person and she told me that she liked what I wrote and it made her feel good.
What about the people who don't have a mother to call or visit? And don't tell me they can go visit someone else's mom. While true, that's not usually how it happens. When my mom dies, I hope that I still write nice things about her. Some I will share and some I will not. That's how it is now and I foresee it being how it will always be.
I wrote a post about Mental Health Awareness month sharing my story. I was inspired to do so by reading posts written by people who I admire. Now, I'm not sure that I am very admired (at least not in the way that I look up to others) but it doesn't change the fact that we are all having a human experience and it oftentimes helps to remember that. That means sharing the good AND the bad sometimes. This way, we can realize we don't know all that is going on in someone's life and we can be kinder to those around us. Plus, I think it breaks up the monotony of hate that becomes the feed.
And then a friend of mine shared a meme that said "Don't people know sharing their problems on social media won't fix them?"
Again, momentary insanity of OH MY GOSH DID I MAKE A MISTAKE AND SHOULD I TAKE IT DOWN?!
Again, I didn't. And the words I received on that post from people who I know were strengthening, healing, uplifting and uniting. All the things I didn't know I needed. And maybe, just maybe, someone else read something they needed to know for themselves or for a loved one. Maybe.
So here's the thing - social media is different for everyone. Some use it for mindless scrolling to escape life, some use it to promote their business to new and vast audiences, some follow celebrities, some only follow a few close friends, some post every picture of every naked baby they see and some are very private. Everyone does it differently and, in my opinion, that's great! Whatever the preference, we shouldn't be judging who writes about their mom or who posts about their mental health. There are other problems in the world and on the internet. Besides, if you don't like it, don't follow it and allow it in your feed.
Disclaimer: I know these two friends were likely not sharing those memes as a result of my post, but it gave me pause to think and I'm glad that it did.
And for goodness sake, love your people - on social media and off. We don't need more psycho-analyzers of why someone wrote about their garden or their car or their mom. We need more love. So get out there and love today.
May 17, 2019
Book Review: Snatching the Catcher
Yes yes yes! This BOOK!
I'd been waiting for this one for what felt like forever but was in reality only a couple of weeks. I was so excited to get this one and read Grizz's story (admittedly a character I was immensely curious about from the other books in the series) and let me tell you - this did NOT disappoint! I loved it. In fact, I read it twice in one week. True story. The first time I inhaled it - read it fast because I was excited to finally have it and was swept up in the fun. The second time I took my time and read it leisurely and oh my goodness it was even better the second time through.
OK. This story has it all - romantical romance, fun, beautiful detailing of Rachel and her dancing, so many exciting baseball happenings, realism, adventures, heartache, happiness, witty dialogue, and incredible characters!
I may have found a new favorite in the Six Pack. ;)
But seriously. If you want a fun read, this is perfect for summer time enjoyment. Or any time enjoyment. Multiple time enjoyment! I'll stop now. ;)
Find it on GOODREADS or AMAZON
May 16, 2019
"Jesus saw their faith"
There is a story in Matthew 9 / Mark 2 (KJV) that I have recently discovered and love. I'm not sure why I haven't noticed this teaching before, but I am so grateful to have it now. Let me give you the background:
Jesus' ministry was just beginning. He had performed a few miracles and the people were very curious about this man who called Himself the Son of God. There began to be a crowd of people following Christ wherever He went, watching to see the miracles - some to believe and some to belittle. Some people heard of Him from far away and came specifically to hear the teachings and see the Christ with their own eyes.
Some couldn't come on their own.
In Matthew 9 / Mark 2, we read of "a man sick of the palsy". Jesus was in Capernaum and was in a house where so many were gathered, there was no space to get through the door or to a window. This man had four friends who had carried him on a stretcher to see Jesus and be healed. But a man on his own could not walk through the people, much less four men and a stretcher make it through the crowd to get close to Christ.
So this man's friends climbed the building - bringing the man on the stretcher with them - put a hole in the roof and lowered their friend to it to Jesus.
There are so many thoughts go through my head at this!
1 - how strong and determined would the friends have had to be to carry a man up a building? I assume there wasn't a ladder conveniently placed to help them up, so they climbed and lifted on their own. Would I go through that much effort for a friend? Or would I wait until the crowd disappeared and just try to get through the door? Or go home to try another day?
2 - what did all the house owner think of his roof being opened up and a person coming through it? haha!
But this line profoundly touched my soul:
"When Jesus saw their faith. . . "
THEIR faith - the faith of the sick man's friends! Not his faith, he couldn't do anything but be carried. The friends were the ones who brought the man to Jesus, couldn't reach Him and so carried the man up a building and lowered him through the roof. Jesus saw THEIR faith.
And what did He do?
Christ healed the man - first of his sins and then of the palsy. The once-sick man stood up immediately and took up the stretcher which had borne him in and walked on his own feet from the house.
He was healed because of the faith of his friends.
When Hannalyn got pneumonia, I was terrified - both for her and for myself. Selfish it may seem, but just walking into the emergency room I was immediately struck with flashes of memories from the traumatizing experiences we had getting her to Primary Children's hospital. I felt dark clouds circling my brain and I knew that I would be unable to fight off depression for long.
We immediately messaged our families and I know the exact moment when the first prayer was said on our behalf. The clouds were gone. I was still fighting an internal battle, but I received so much strength and was able to think and act rationally to be a strength to Hannalyn in her struggle with depression and illness while we were in the hospital. That wasn't because of my faith, that was the faith of our family.
When we got out of the hospital and had our first follow up with Hannalyn's doctor a couple of days later, we left feeling discouraged. We had received great news - Hannalyn was improving and showed all signs of regaining full health. We had also received hard news - recovery would take much longer than we wanted and she will always be weaker. I fought an impression to share her story on social media because I am a private person and didn't want to look like I was unduly complaining - especially on the internet for all the world to see. However, when the feeling didn't leave, I took a deep breath and posted about her experience.
I know the exact moment the first prayer was said on Hannalyn's behalf because she smiled for the first time in three days.
I share these experiences because I need to express my immense gratitude for the people who prayed for Hannalyn, for Daniel and for me over the last week. We were, literally in a sense, the man sick with palsy who could not get through to Christ on our own. And YOU - the people who prayed for us - are the friends who got us near the Savior to be healed.
Hannalyn's improvement from Sunday in the hospital to Wednesday at home was significant - her infection was fought by antibiotics and she had improved appetite and color in her cheeks.
Hannalyn's improvement from Wednesday (when I posted) to Friday was breath-taking. She began to smile and laugh, she was willing to talk to and look at us again. She walked on her own. She slept through the nights and her oxygen levels were steady. Hannalyn started to be herself again and I know that it was because she felt, as I did, the faith and prayers of our friends and the people who care about us.
I cannot thank you enough for YOUR faith. I cannot express in words the miracles we have witnessed this week and the power we have felt. Thank you for carrying us with your prayers and for supporting us with your faith so that we could be healed by Christ. We are so so very grateful.
Jesus' ministry was just beginning. He had performed a few miracles and the people were very curious about this man who called Himself the Son of God. There began to be a crowd of people following Christ wherever He went, watching to see the miracles - some to believe and some to belittle. Some people heard of Him from far away and came specifically to hear the teachings and see the Christ with their own eyes.
Some couldn't come on their own.
In Matthew 9 / Mark 2, we read of "a man sick of the palsy". Jesus was in Capernaum and was in a house where so many were gathered, there was no space to get through the door or to a window. This man had four friends who had carried him on a stretcher to see Jesus and be healed. But a man on his own could not walk through the people, much less four men and a stretcher make it through the crowd to get close to Christ.
So this man's friends climbed the building - bringing the man on the stretcher with them - put a hole in the roof and lowered their friend to it to Jesus.
There are so many thoughts go through my head at this!
1 - how strong and determined would the friends have had to be to carry a man up a building? I assume there wasn't a ladder conveniently placed to help them up, so they climbed and lifted on their own. Would I go through that much effort for a friend? Or would I wait until the crowd disappeared and just try to get through the door? Or go home to try another day?
2 - what did all the house owner think of his roof being opened up and a person coming through it? haha!
But this line profoundly touched my soul:
"When Jesus saw their faith. . . "
THEIR faith - the faith of the sick man's friends! Not his faith, he couldn't do anything but be carried. The friends were the ones who brought the man to Jesus, couldn't reach Him and so carried the man up a building and lowered him through the roof. Jesus saw THEIR faith.
And what did He do?
Christ healed the man - first of his sins and then of the palsy. The once-sick man stood up immediately and took up the stretcher which had borne him in and walked on his own feet from the house.
He was healed because of the faith of his friends.
When Hannalyn got pneumonia, I was terrified - both for her and for myself. Selfish it may seem, but just walking into the emergency room I was immediately struck with flashes of memories from the traumatizing experiences we had getting her to Primary Children's hospital. I felt dark clouds circling my brain and I knew that I would be unable to fight off depression for long.
We immediately messaged our families and I know the exact moment when the first prayer was said on our behalf. The clouds were gone. I was still fighting an internal battle, but I received so much strength and was able to think and act rationally to be a strength to Hannalyn in her struggle with depression and illness while we were in the hospital. That wasn't because of my faith, that was the faith of our family.
When we got out of the hospital and had our first follow up with Hannalyn's doctor a couple of days later, we left feeling discouraged. We had received great news - Hannalyn was improving and showed all signs of regaining full health. We had also received hard news - recovery would take much longer than we wanted and she will always be weaker. I fought an impression to share her story on social media because I am a private person and didn't want to look like I was unduly complaining - especially on the internet for all the world to see. However, when the feeling didn't leave, I took a deep breath and posted about her experience.
I know the exact moment the first prayer was said on Hannalyn's behalf because she smiled for the first time in three days.
I share these experiences because I need to express my immense gratitude for the people who prayed for Hannalyn, for Daniel and for me over the last week. We were, literally in a sense, the man sick with palsy who could not get through to Christ on our own. And YOU - the people who prayed for us - are the friends who got us near the Savior to be healed.
Hannalyn's improvement from Sunday in the hospital to Wednesday at home was significant - her infection was fought by antibiotics and she had improved appetite and color in her cheeks.
Hannalyn's improvement from Wednesday (when I posted) to Friday was breath-taking. She began to smile and laugh, she was willing to talk to and look at us again. She walked on her own. She slept through the nights and her oxygen levels were steady. Hannalyn started to be herself again and I know that it was because she felt, as I did, the faith and prayers of our friends and the people who care about us.
I cannot thank you enough for YOUR faith. I cannot express in words the miracles we have witnessed this week and the power we have felt. Thank you for carrying us with your prayers and for supporting us with your faith so that we could be healed by Christ. We are so so very grateful.
May 15, 2019
one year anniversary
I have felt strongly the need to share this story beyond this platform but I am terrified to do so. Despite my talk and moderately improved self-confidence, I am worried about the retaliation, the judgment and the effects on my family and my business. I hope that anyone who reads this can know that my purpose is not to garner pity or admiration, but simply to share my experiences through this ever-changing journey of life.
Today is a really big day for me.
One year ago - May 15, 2018 - I did two things that would forever change me:
1 - Visit a therapist
2 - Open the Book of Mormon for the first time in four years.
I feel immense pride for doing those things - and writing about it now. I also still feel shame and embarrassment. My weaknesses are many and they impact every aspect of my life from being a mother and wife to being a daughter and sister to being a business owner. That impact gives me cause frequently to mourn and wish that I were different, better, stronger. And while I've been learning a lot about grief and being open to feelings of all shapes and strengths and validating those feelings, today I want to write about the GOOD. Because there is much of it.
I'm just not sure where to start.
. . .
My therapist invited me a while back to think back on why I struggle with self-worth, to try to figure out when that started and how it effects me now. As I pondered and dug through memories, I was shocked to find how many things I had stuffed down deep beneath the surface. I was dismayed when I learned that there are several painful parts of my life that I hadn't dealt with at all - just shoved them into a dark corner of my heart where they began to fester. Now, don't get me wrong, my life has been so so good and very richly blessed. I was just brought face-to-face with a darker version of myself that was bitter and angry, tired and sad, hurt and grieving.
Before this experience, I was blaming my problems on other people (as we all tend to do). Through the counsel of my bishop and the inspiration of others who love to me, I was finally willing to start doing something about the PTSD induced depression and anxiety that was effecting my life more and more frequently. At that first meeting, I knew exactly what it was that was causing my pain - and it was another person. I could not, would not, forgive and I refused to self-reflect to see how else this pain was influencing my actions.
So we talked about that, and I still wasn't happy. I thought back to another experience where I blame a person for causing me pain, we talked about that, and I still wasn't happy.
Three of these specific times in my life, and the trauma that was introduced into my life by these people is real. They hurt me in indescribable ways that most people don't know about and don't understand if they do. Before these experiences, I can honestly say that I was happy in life. There were things I wasn't dealing with and problems that I had like everyone else, but it was three specific instances with three specific people that caused trauma to my soul and sent me on this downward spiral. But this isn't the point of today.
One of the first things my therapist invited me to do was to begin reading my scriptures again - to forge a relationship with God and learn my eternal worth. I grudgingly opened my scriptures that night and felt all my pride and hurt slip away. As I read, I was fascinated. I knew the words, I knew the stories, but I suddenly was understanding the meaning that was just for me. In less than one year, I have read the Book of Mormon four times over and I have absolutely loved it.
The next step for me was going back to the temple. I felt so unworthy and guilty about having let my temple recommend expire nearly three years prior. I was sure that I would be asked about why my recommend hadn't been renewed when I went to the interview and that I would be unable to give a satisfactory answer. But I wasn't. I was told how happy they were for me that I would be going to the temple soon. It took me five more months before I finally worked up the courage to go through the door. I didn't want to go alone, but I didn't want to go with anyone either. My therapist recommended I start in the Initiatory - a personal place that is one-on-one receiving ordinances. So I did, and I wept through my time there. I have since been going about once a month as I can. I have done two sessions in addition to spending time in Initiatory and I have felt so much love and peace from my Heavenly Father. I've always loved hearing about Eve and learning more about her has brought me so much joy.
I have to focus on that joy a lot. There is a tendency in me, and I think in many of us, to let guilt sneak in and take away our joy. Instead of being happy that my mental health is so improved on this day from one year ago, guilt and shame would have me focus on the embarrassment it is that I need help at all, that I can't do it myself. Guilt would leave me bereft of confidence in my mothering or business operating skills. Shame would drive me to a corner thinking of what others will think of me once they know that I need to visit regularly with a therapist.
Today, they can't do that. Today is about JOY.
I fought long and hard doing anything about what I suspected what PTSD. I knew that I was depressed. I knew that I felt more anxiety than I had previously. I googled my symptoms (never do that, I know) and was told that I was dying. No surprise, right? ;) But I was so convinced that I had to do it all on my own. I couldn't let anyone know what was happening to me. I was supposed to be an example, a leader, a support and strength - not someone weak, or sad, or "crazy".
But one year ago today, I took those two incredibly massive and yet surprisingly simple steps toward a better and brighter future for myself and I can honestly say, for the first time in years, that I am happy. I have more good days than bad ones. I look forward to getting out of bed. I reach out to people who I care about. I write. I read. I play. I enjoy my work.
Things are still hard. And some days, they are stupidly hard. I get so frustrated that one year later, I'm still not perfect! I still struggle to think positively and find motivation. I hurt when I see other people having fun together and I am struggling to sit up straight in my chair. I weep because I feel so alone.
And then I go to bed, I read my scriptures and write in my journal, I list a few things I loved about Hannalyn's antics during the day and somehow . . . I feel peace. Just a little bit, sometimes. Just enough to know that there are better days ahead and I am moving forward to a better place.
Do you want to know the best part about it all? How insanely grateful I am for the beautiful new relationships I have found through this devastating trauma. I have been able to connect with a few people in amazing ways that I never imagined possible. These people, and the closer relationship I have with my God, keep me on that forward trajectory. My hope is found in Christ and my reason to continue on is in the people who are around me.
One year ago, I struggled to see any reason to life other than being with Hannalyn.
Today, I look forward to finding more reasons to life, including being with my family every day.
And that is a miracle worth living a full and happy life for.
Today is a really big day for me.
One year ago - May 15, 2018 - I did two things that would forever change me:
1 - Visit a therapist
2 - Open the Book of Mormon for the first time in four years.
I feel immense pride for doing those things - and writing about it now. I also still feel shame and embarrassment. My weaknesses are many and they impact every aspect of my life from being a mother and wife to being a daughter and sister to being a business owner. That impact gives me cause frequently to mourn and wish that I were different, better, stronger. And while I've been learning a lot about grief and being open to feelings of all shapes and strengths and validating those feelings, today I want to write about the GOOD. Because there is much of it.
I'm just not sure where to start.
. . .
My therapist invited me a while back to think back on why I struggle with self-worth, to try to figure out when that started and how it effects me now. As I pondered and dug through memories, I was shocked to find how many things I had stuffed down deep beneath the surface. I was dismayed when I learned that there are several painful parts of my life that I hadn't dealt with at all - just shoved them into a dark corner of my heart where they began to fester. Now, don't get me wrong, my life has been so so good and very richly blessed. I was just brought face-to-face with a darker version of myself that was bitter and angry, tired and sad, hurt and grieving.
Before this experience, I was blaming my problems on other people (as we all tend to do). Through the counsel of my bishop and the inspiration of others who love to me, I was finally willing to start doing something about the PTSD induced depression and anxiety that was effecting my life more and more frequently. At that first meeting, I knew exactly what it was that was causing my pain - and it was another person. I could not, would not, forgive and I refused to self-reflect to see how else this pain was influencing my actions.
So we talked about that, and I still wasn't happy. I thought back to another experience where I blame a person for causing me pain, we talked about that, and I still wasn't happy.
Three of these specific times in my life, and the trauma that was introduced into my life by these people is real. They hurt me in indescribable ways that most people don't know about and don't understand if they do. Before these experiences, I can honestly say that I was happy in life. There were things I wasn't dealing with and problems that I had like everyone else, but it was three specific instances with three specific people that caused trauma to my soul and sent me on this downward spiral. But this isn't the point of today.
One of the first things my therapist invited me to do was to begin reading my scriptures again - to forge a relationship with God and learn my eternal worth. I grudgingly opened my scriptures that night and felt all my pride and hurt slip away. As I read, I was fascinated. I knew the words, I knew the stories, but I suddenly was understanding the meaning that was just for me. In less than one year, I have read the Book of Mormon four times over and I have absolutely loved it.
The next step for me was going back to the temple. I felt so unworthy and guilty about having let my temple recommend expire nearly three years prior. I was sure that I would be asked about why my recommend hadn't been renewed when I went to the interview and that I would be unable to give a satisfactory answer. But I wasn't. I was told how happy they were for me that I would be going to the temple soon. It took me five more months before I finally worked up the courage to go through the door. I didn't want to go alone, but I didn't want to go with anyone either. My therapist recommended I start in the Initiatory - a personal place that is one-on-one receiving ordinances. So I did, and I wept through my time there. I have since been going about once a month as I can. I have done two sessions in addition to spending time in Initiatory and I have felt so much love and peace from my Heavenly Father. I've always loved hearing about Eve and learning more about her has brought me so much joy.
I have to focus on that joy a lot. There is a tendency in me, and I think in many of us, to let guilt sneak in and take away our joy. Instead of being happy that my mental health is so improved on this day from one year ago, guilt and shame would have me focus on the embarrassment it is that I need help at all, that I can't do it myself. Guilt would leave me bereft of confidence in my mothering or business operating skills. Shame would drive me to a corner thinking of what others will think of me once they know that I need to visit regularly with a therapist.
Today, they can't do that. Today is about JOY.
I fought long and hard doing anything about what I suspected what PTSD. I knew that I was depressed. I knew that I felt more anxiety than I had previously. I googled my symptoms (never do that, I know) and was told that I was dying. No surprise, right? ;) But I was so convinced that I had to do it all on my own. I couldn't let anyone know what was happening to me. I was supposed to be an example, a leader, a support and strength - not someone weak, or sad, or "crazy".
But one year ago today, I took those two incredibly massive and yet surprisingly simple steps toward a better and brighter future for myself and I can honestly say, for the first time in years, that I am happy. I have more good days than bad ones. I look forward to getting out of bed. I reach out to people who I care about. I write. I read. I play. I enjoy my work.
Things are still hard. And some days, they are stupidly hard. I get so frustrated that one year later, I'm still not perfect! I still struggle to think positively and find motivation. I hurt when I see other people having fun together and I am struggling to sit up straight in my chair. I weep because I feel so alone.
And then I go to bed, I read my scriptures and write in my journal, I list a few things I loved about Hannalyn's antics during the day and somehow . . . I feel peace. Just a little bit, sometimes. Just enough to know that there are better days ahead and I am moving forward to a better place.
Do you want to know the best part about it all? How insanely grateful I am for the beautiful new relationships I have found through this devastating trauma. I have been able to connect with a few people in amazing ways that I never imagined possible. These people, and the closer relationship I have with my God, keep me on that forward trajectory. My hope is found in Christ and my reason to continue on is in the people who are around me.
One year ago, I struggled to see any reason to life other than being with Hannalyn.
Today, I look forward to finding more reasons to life, including being with my family every day.
And that is a miracle worth living a full and happy life for.
May 14, 2019
wallet purge
I needed something to distract me when we were in the hospital, so I took the time to clean out my wallet and look at all the goodies I found!
The yellow card is my very first library card from when I was 8 years old. And Blockbuster?! I remember being suckered into that at the desk as a 14 year old and thinking I'd get in so much trouble at home. Ha!
Happy Tuesday.
May 13, 2019
Book Review: The Paradox of Love
This was a fascinating read. I was easily pulled in with the beautiful descriptions and multi-faceted characters and landscape. The author did a great job pulling me in with feelings and incredible imagery. The characters were varied and had real depth to them. There is abuse in the story - both physical and emotional as well as some alcoholism that adds intensity to a plot line that is initially created from fear, mistrust and hatred of differences. A thorough and satisfactory story that compels you to finish and has a resolution that is surprising and yet happy while remaining realistic. I really enjoyed it.
May 11, 2019
the zoo! (weekend part 1 part 2)
Is there a point and purpose to the labeling of these posts as parts 1 or 2 or both? Not really, except now I know I didn't miss anything. ;) Ha!
Saturday we spent at the zoo with three of my siblings, my grandparents and my cute cousin who tagged along for the fun. It was a glorious day and Hannalyn's first time there in close to three years, so very overdue. We'll return again soon when she can run and enjoy it a little more.
Lions.
Just like last time, she was SO apprehensive of that lion fountain! Hahaha!
Too cool to look at the camera for pictures. Thanks, Larissa. *eye roll*
I love these cute cousins. <3
Hannalyn's favorite exhibits by far were the water ones - she actually willingly got out of her stroller to get closer and sit and watch the sea lions swimming by. It made my heart so so happy.
#coolaunt
On the train. :)
Poor kid was pooped and slept the whole train ride between these two loving people. I'm so grateful for family who love my child so very much.
Also - we bought a car! Ruby (Daniel's red car) decided she hates us and is on the verge of combustion so since we were in Salt Lake with more options we decided to do some looking and found a car we love. 2009 Honda Accord. 92k miles. Great price. So we did a crazy thing and bought it. She doesn't have a name yet, but we'll find it.
After the zoo, we picked up the car and then Hannalyn and I drove home while Daniel stayed for a bit to chat with his dad and grandma. I'm so so glad they had that time together.
The weekend was amazing. Thanks to everyone who made it so. <3
May 10, 2019
matthew & katrina's wedding (weekend part 1 part 1)
I win at blog post titles ;)
Here are some pics I got from the happy day that was May 3 and our adventuring in Provo.
Not pictured: the beautiful walk from the temple to Provo Bakery and the delicious donuts we enjoyed, the test driving of cars we did and how excited Hannalyn was to ride in said cars, more pictures of incredible time spent with family including the luncheon and seeing my Grandparents in the evening, or the indescribable joy we felt being on the temple ground - Daniel specifically in the sealing room with all 10 of his siblings and his Dad physically there and Mom spiritually there.
It was a truly beautiful day.
I've affectionately named the above the #templecrew - 13 cousins having a ball and me getting ALL the baby cuddles. I need more of those. <3
Look at how Maylee is holding Hannalyn's hand to show her how to play the game!!! <3
And the kids tried to get her in this shot, but she was not interested.
And the kids tried to get her in this shot, but she was not interested.
So we did this one instead. <3 Love these sweet cousins.
13 Jackson cousins came out to play . . .
Daniel got lots of pictures with his siblings but somehow this was the only one on my device. *shrug* And Daniel has his eyes closed! (William probably does too and you just can't see through the sun glasses. Ha!)
These girls took such good care of my girl. It made my heart so so happy and so sad that we don't see them more often. As soon as we pay off these stupid medical bills, we want to take a trip! Hopefully it doesn't take too long. *sigh*
Mary snapped this incredible picture of us. Poor Hannalyn is so pale and looks so exhausted (she was) but I love this photo of us. Despite her sickness and the early morning driving, we cleaned up pretty ok. <3 Also, it's the first family picture of us that is a non-selfie in probably two years so . . . Yay!
Thanks Matthew and KaTrina for getting married! We love you guys! And we loved seeing everyone at the temple. We hope we'll get to do it again very very soon.
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