The jury is still out on whether blogging counts as social media. I don't think so because it's journaling and I'm not reading other blogs - just writing my journal thoughts for myself and posterity. I could make it private and then it's not social? Either way, I'm going to write this and want to share it and it's about General Conference so hopefully I'm forgiven if it IS social media. ;)
I heard several incredible blessings during General Conference and while I made special note of them in my notes, I felt I should share them here as well. I love blessings (I think most of us do) and I have great faith in the blessings that I've received in my life. Priesthood blessings are amazing things and I'm so grateful to have been the recipient of many that have healed and strengthened me.
These blessings came directly from the apostles of the church. They said "I bless you. . ." I took it quite literally to mean that the apostles were blessing whomever was listening to their words. Including me. So here are the blessings that came directly to me from listening to conference (paraphrased):
"I bless you to stand in Holy Places. I bless you to believe in Christ's promises." - Elder Rasband
"I leave you my blessing that as we believe, love and do - you will find happiness and peace." - Elder Uchtdorf
"I bless you with the ability to leave the world behind as we engage in this work." - President Nelson
October 8, 2018
October 6, 2018
same life, new story (part 1)
I don't know if this is really part one. I may never write on this topic again. However I really want to write something and I'm not sure my pen can keep up with my thoughts so I'm turning to typing instead.
First I need to mention how absolutely inspiring General Conference was today. It was a much needed breath of fresh air - more like a gasp, really, as I felt my head surfacing from too much time underwater - and so beautiful and life-giving. There are so many things I took away that I feel like I CAN do, which is a miracle in and of itself, but one thing that really stuck out to me is this:
We can no longer wait to choose. Either we are on the Lord's side and we choose Him or we're not and we don't. The Second Coming is close. I don't think any of us are really ready for how close it is. This is our last chance to make the changes and do what we need to in order to secure our salvation. It is time to separate the wheat from the chaff and the new changes instituted in our church assignments will do just that. If we don't take advantage of the time to keep serving and stay close to the Lord - if we add an hour to playtime instead of keeping it prayer time - we will not make it.
So, with that horrifying thought in mind, I know that I need to make changes in my life. Change scares me. It paralyzes me sometimes. But I want it and I can see how desperately I need it. A book by Jan Silvious was recommended to me and it is called Same Life, New Story. It features ten women in the bible who changed their outlook on life and saw their lives changed. They rewrote their story from one they hated to one that was rewarding and full of God.
The first chapter is about Naomi. Her life was one of tragedy and hardship. She left her homeland, and then lost her husband and sons and one daughter-in-law. She even changed her name because she was so miserable. And yet, somehow, things changed and she ended up the great-great-grandmother to King David of Israel! If that's not a turn-around I'm not sure what is. At the end of each chapter are some "Personal Reflection" questions, and I wanted to record my thoughts to a few of them:
What 3 nuggets of wisdom did you find in this chapter?
- We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -E. M. Forster
- God is writing the main plot of your life story even while you meander aimlessly through side dramas and subplots. He is there all the time, patiently nudging you back toward His ultimate plan for you.
- It was not about what I could prevent or make happen. It was really about what I thought about the events of my life.
- What am I trying to prove by being angry? Who am I holding responsible for my frustrations?
Have you ever been at the total bottom of life? Describe that time and how it made you feel.
I've had several times when I have been down and depressed, but two times in particular when I felt I'd hit the total bottom. Past the lowest of lows. One was when Hannalyn was in the hospital after several beautiful days at home and a doctor said "It's your fault she's here. You should have made different choices." Ninety-nine percent of the time I can see the error in the doctor. I can see how, actually, we were divinely blessed and inspired to have Hannalyn born at home and in fact we saved her life by many of the choices we made before and during her birth. The doctor was right - it was our fault that Hannalyn was at the hospital and ALIVE. I think I've talked about this a little before and maybe it's time for me to share the story again, but not here. The ten days we spent at Primary Children's were ten of my darkest days. The blessings we witnessed were powerful and incredible and so full of light and power, yet I cannot deny that they had to have immense power to reach me in my personal hell.
The other was more recently (about 6 months ago?) when I finally realized that my depression & anxiety wasn't getting better and that Heavenly Father was trying to hard to reach me that he sent me three messengers to tell me that I needed help from a professional. I was so mad at Heavenly Father for not letting me fix it myself - or for Him not fixing it for me. I was so frustrated and embarrassed and disappointed in myself for being able to rationally see the problem and not do a single thing about changing it. It took me two weeks to call the number my bishop gave me and it was finally the knowledge that if I didn't make the call, he would, that got me to do it. I fought and raged and struggled and cried. I still do sometimes. But that first meeting with the therapist was the first time in months that I felt heard and saw a path to hope.
Has anyone encouraged you to begin again? What did you hear them say to you? How have you responded to them up until now?
God has encouraged me to begin again. And truthfully, we are given the opportunity to start over weekly when we take the sacrament and wash our sins away. Therapy encourages me to start again. I'm not sure I've really heard what they've said though. Everything I hear at church and at therapy are things that I know. It's nothing new. So I respond with "ya, I know. I can do that." And then I come home and I don't change and I get caught in cycles of anxiety and doubt and fear.
After studying Naomi's story, how would you respond to them now?
I've been familiar with Naomi's story for a long time. Or maybe not because usually the focus is on Ruth and not Naomi. it's amazing how looking at the same story from a new perspective can give so much light and added truth to a subject. Naomi was in a really hard place - totally alone in a strange land and then leaving all her dead family behind her to go find extended family who may not be able to take her back after she'd been gone for so long. I'm sure Ruth was the greatest comfort imaginable. Yet Naomi knew she could do nothing for Ruth . . . until she was reacquainted with Boaz and suddenly the Lord made Naomi's life turn out completely differently. Naomi became hopeful again. She was living the same life as before, but God's hand directed her and those around her to a new and brighter future than she had seen possible before.
God is truly amazing.
I know the time has come in my life for me to leave my old store behind and begin a new one because I've realized that the little things are making a difference. I can't just do the basics and coast along on the coattails of others. It's time for me to stand up, commit to making a change, and actively seek revelation and inspiration and the life that Heavenly Father wants me to live. I have to make a choice - now. Today. And I cannot deviate from it. There won't be time to correct it later if I do. I must stay on the path and I must stay there firmly. I believe that God has a beautiful, divine and perfect plan for my life. Today in conference I wrote the word "JOY" in my notes several times. JOY is the purpose of this life and what God wants us to experience in all things - even in trials and struggles, we can find joy when we know we are keeping the commandments of God. That is a blessing.
Why is it difficult to leave old stories behind? Change is scary. We like to be lazy and put our problems on those around us and blame others for our what we lack. We can't control the agency of others, just how we respond to them. No one has power over us until we give it to them. I am in charge of my life - no one else is - and with God at my side, even when I make mistakes, I can have joy and peace in the journey.
I'm starting a new story. I want to choose to be happy and choose to follow God with purpose. God is offering me a new story and I plan to take full advantage of it.
First I need to mention how absolutely inspiring General Conference was today. It was a much needed breath of fresh air - more like a gasp, really, as I felt my head surfacing from too much time underwater - and so beautiful and life-giving. There are so many things I took away that I feel like I CAN do, which is a miracle in and of itself, but one thing that really stuck out to me is this:
We can no longer wait to choose. Either we are on the Lord's side and we choose Him or we're not and we don't. The Second Coming is close. I don't think any of us are really ready for how close it is. This is our last chance to make the changes and do what we need to in order to secure our salvation. It is time to separate the wheat from the chaff and the new changes instituted in our church assignments will do just that. If we don't take advantage of the time to keep serving and stay close to the Lord - if we add an hour to playtime instead of keeping it prayer time - we will not make it.
So, with that horrifying thought in mind, I know that I need to make changes in my life. Change scares me. It paralyzes me sometimes. But I want it and I can see how desperately I need it. A book by Jan Silvious was recommended to me and it is called Same Life, New Story. It features ten women in the bible who changed their outlook on life and saw their lives changed. They rewrote their story from one they hated to one that was rewarding and full of God.
The first chapter is about Naomi. Her life was one of tragedy and hardship. She left her homeland, and then lost her husband and sons and one daughter-in-law. She even changed her name because she was so miserable. And yet, somehow, things changed and she ended up the great-great-grandmother to King David of Israel! If that's not a turn-around I'm not sure what is. At the end of each chapter are some "Personal Reflection" questions, and I wanted to record my thoughts to a few of them:
What 3 nuggets of wisdom did you find in this chapter?
- We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -E. M. Forster
- God is writing the main plot of your life story even while you meander aimlessly through side dramas and subplots. He is there all the time, patiently nudging you back toward His ultimate plan for you.
- It was not about what I could prevent or make happen. It was really about what I thought about the events of my life.
- What am I trying to prove by being angry? Who am I holding responsible for my frustrations?
Have you ever been at the total bottom of life? Describe that time and how it made you feel.
I've had several times when I have been down and depressed, but two times in particular when I felt I'd hit the total bottom. Past the lowest of lows. One was when Hannalyn was in the hospital after several beautiful days at home and a doctor said "It's your fault she's here. You should have made different choices." Ninety-nine percent of the time I can see the error in the doctor. I can see how, actually, we were divinely blessed and inspired to have Hannalyn born at home and in fact we saved her life by many of the choices we made before and during her birth. The doctor was right - it was our fault that Hannalyn was at the hospital and ALIVE. I think I've talked about this a little before and maybe it's time for me to share the story again, but not here. The ten days we spent at Primary Children's were ten of my darkest days. The blessings we witnessed were powerful and incredible and so full of light and power, yet I cannot deny that they had to have immense power to reach me in my personal hell.
The other was more recently (about 6 months ago?) when I finally realized that my depression & anxiety wasn't getting better and that Heavenly Father was trying to hard to reach me that he sent me three messengers to tell me that I needed help from a professional. I was so mad at Heavenly Father for not letting me fix it myself - or for Him not fixing it for me. I was so frustrated and embarrassed and disappointed in myself for being able to rationally see the problem and not do a single thing about changing it. It took me two weeks to call the number my bishop gave me and it was finally the knowledge that if I didn't make the call, he would, that got me to do it. I fought and raged and struggled and cried. I still do sometimes. But that first meeting with the therapist was the first time in months that I felt heard and saw a path to hope.
Has anyone encouraged you to begin again? What did you hear them say to you? How have you responded to them up until now?
God has encouraged me to begin again. And truthfully, we are given the opportunity to start over weekly when we take the sacrament and wash our sins away. Therapy encourages me to start again. I'm not sure I've really heard what they've said though. Everything I hear at church and at therapy are things that I know. It's nothing new. So I respond with "ya, I know. I can do that." And then I come home and I don't change and I get caught in cycles of anxiety and doubt and fear.
After studying Naomi's story, how would you respond to them now?
I've been familiar with Naomi's story for a long time. Or maybe not because usually the focus is on Ruth and not Naomi. it's amazing how looking at the same story from a new perspective can give so much light and added truth to a subject. Naomi was in a really hard place - totally alone in a strange land and then leaving all her dead family behind her to go find extended family who may not be able to take her back after she'd been gone for so long. I'm sure Ruth was the greatest comfort imaginable. Yet Naomi knew she could do nothing for Ruth . . . until she was reacquainted with Boaz and suddenly the Lord made Naomi's life turn out completely differently. Naomi became hopeful again. She was living the same life as before, but God's hand directed her and those around her to a new and brighter future than she had seen possible before.
God is truly amazing.
I know the time has come in my life for me to leave my old store behind and begin a new one because I've realized that the little things are making a difference. I can't just do the basics and coast along on the coattails of others. It's time for me to stand up, commit to making a change, and actively seek revelation and inspiration and the life that Heavenly Father wants me to live. I have to make a choice - now. Today. And I cannot deviate from it. There won't be time to correct it later if I do. I must stay on the path and I must stay there firmly. I believe that God has a beautiful, divine and perfect plan for my life. Today in conference I wrote the word "JOY" in my notes several times. JOY is the purpose of this life and what God wants us to experience in all things - even in trials and struggles, we can find joy when we know we are keeping the commandments of God. That is a blessing.
Why is it difficult to leave old stories behind? Change is scary. We like to be lazy and put our problems on those around us and blame others for our what we lack. We can't control the agency of others, just how we respond to them. No one has power over us until we give it to them. I am in charge of my life - no one else is - and with God at my side, even when I make mistakes, I can have joy and peace in the journey.
I'm starting a new story. I want to choose to be happy and choose to follow God with purpose. God is offering me a new story and I plan to take full advantage of it.
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