my baby is five

Somehow, five years has passed and my baby is not so much a baby any more. In fact, she sometimes acts so grown up it makes my heart hurt and soar all at the same time. This year of being four has been wild and crazy and fun. It has brought many learning curves for this mommy and challenges we never thought we'd face. It has also brought daily blessings of sunshine and angelic love all streaming unceasingly from this beautiful child. I have never felt God so close in my life as when I am near Hannalyn and eternity seems so possible when I feel it impossible to imagine a time in my life without her. She's been with us forever and will be forever and I love that more than I ever thought possible.

This goofball is so much fun. She is SO girly - loves all things pink & purple, Elsa (Frozen) & Ariel (Little Mermaid), squeals when kissing happens in a movie, dances through life and knows all the dance moves and positions, sings along even when she doesn't know the words, and loves to dress up.

Then she sits and plays in the dirt. Ha!

Her teachers at school have been so proud of Hannalyn becoming more comfortable with them and trusting that the paint/tools/whipped cream/etc that they put in front of her is to play with. I love that Hannalyn loves school and is truly thriving there. Every day I see more and hear more and am grateful more that she is where she is and getting the opportunities she needs. Hannalyn loves school and loves going every day.

Hannalyn is getting tall - she finally fits in the clothes for her "age group" which is exciting. She had a growth spurt a couple of weeks ago and suddenly as the weather is turning cold we are looking for longer shirts and pants and it's crazy. But so much fun, too. Her eyes are still blue as blue can be with a stripe on the bottom and her hair is the curliest and the blondest and the most amazing. I cannot stop touching it ever. It's time for a trim again to keep the curls from getting too tangled and unmanageable but I can't bring myself to do it.

Hannalyn had a blast over Thanksgiving being a shepherd with her uncles in a live nativity I helped to put on for the community holiday celebration (pictured above). She pulled out and put on her hat, snowsuit and gloves all by herself - before there was snow on the ground. And having cousins in town for my sister's wedding was the best thing in her life to date. ;) She was in Heaven having other little people to play with.

Hannalyn is my favorite person. She really is. She is adorable, bright, curious, loving, spunky, kind, smart, witty, fast, pops her foot when she gives hugs, gives spontaneous kisses on my forehead that melt my heart, loves to cuddle, sleeps like an angel, loves to wave to people wherever we go, and on and on and on the list could go. Her kindness and goodness inspire me to be a better person and help me to live to be stronger. She sees angels - I'm sure of it - and it means so much to me to see how much God loves her. 

This is my Hannalyn. She is five today, guys. FIVE. How in the world that happened I will never know, but I am SO excited. Each age has been better and better as she grows and I grow. Hannalyn is full of spirit and fun, love and kindness. She empties the dishwasher and folds the laundry. She sneaks up behind me to growl at me and then requests dances - in dance position - with at least one 'dip'. Hannalyn loves cotton candy ice cream and wearing Dad's hat & apron when we visit him at Cold Stone. She loves Pokemon and wearing princess dresses. She is so . . . Hannalyn. I love this angel of mine.

Happy birthday, sweetest girl. I love you forever.

XOXO,
Mom.

Book Review: Falling for Lucy

This was a really sweet book. I felt like it was a very simple story- not a lot of intrigue or necessary backstory or crazy antics- and I think that's why I genuinely enjoyed the whole thing. I wasn't trying to keep up with anything bizarre or follow a story line only half there. It was straightforward and good writing that told a story that I became interested in by virtue of the characters rather than insane plot twists. I think that says a lot about something you read - when you can read it for enjoyment of just being in the moment with the characters.

And that's why I liked this book. ;)

Find it on AMAZON or GOODREADS

thanksgiving & holly days

I need to get pictures up here again.

This Thanksgiving was smaller than in past years. We stayed in Vernal and four of the siblings out of six were in town for the holiday. I missed my sisters but had a great time with those who were there. Daniel didn't have to work and that was a huge blessing. Hannalyn loved the time and attention from her aunts, uncles and cousin. I was just happy to have people I loved around and so much time with them.

Holly Days was another year of stress. This year the stress was not having anyone to participate in the Nativity. I asked indirectly, directly, and directly again and had people tell me left and right they couldn't do it because they wanted to be with their family. My response was "Well so do I!!" but I didn't actually say that though I thought it each time someone complained about their day with their family and I wanted to point out that at least they'd been with their family. I didn't see Hannalyn from 11am to 7pm and then again until 10pm. And that's how it's been her whole life. The first year we did Holly Days I took a couple quick breaks to run home to nurse her and then was gone again. Yup.

So I was pretty whiny this year. I posted about it on Instagram/Facebook so I'll spare the whiny details again, and just jump straight to the important part to me:

I truly felt the Spirit of the Lord during the Nativity this year. Even though (most) of the people didn't want to be there or hadn't planned to be doing it, the Spirit was strong and I hope they felt it. Each time I pressed play on the track and heard the beautiful music and was able to sit for just five minutes, I felt the comfort and peace of the Lord fill my mind. Even though I knew I didn't have actors for the next set, for those minutes, I was at peace.

And when Hannalyn was up being a shepherd, I thought my heart would burst with joy. I want to make the Savior a bigger focus in my life all year - and on this crazy weekend. I am excited for future years with Hannalyn and including her in what I do since I can't do the "other" stuff. I am excited to keep giving an opportunity for people to reflect on their Savior and do my part to bring Christ's light to the world for just a couple minutes in the middle of the craziness of the season. I can do that for Him - I can give five minutes an hour on one day to share my testimony and His story and love with the people in my community. And it will be beautiful. It is beautiful. I am blessed to be part of it.

Happy Thanksgiving. <3

follow the prophet

On October 7, 2018, President Russell M. Nelson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued an invitation to all the women of the church to read the Book of Mormon before the end of the year.

I was really frustrated. I was about half-way finished with the Book which I had started reading for the first time in three and a half years. I had many thoughts, including that I could just finish from where I was and it would count, or I could start where I was and wrap back around to read to where I was starting and that would be the whole thing. But I realized that would entail reading in a different way than how I had been and I didn't like that. See, I was trying really hard to be intentional about my reading and so I was reading a chapter or two or three each night and recording at least one thing (sometimes more) that I felt that God wanted me to learn from each chapter I read. I knew that to finish by the end of the year, I would need to read at least 6 pages a day and that would change my focus. Plus, President Nelson asked us to look for and mark our scriptures each time it mentioned the Lord.

So I've been reading twice a day since this challenge was issued. I figured this was the best way to follow the prophet's counsel and still keep to my personal goal as well. Plus, reading the scriptures twice a day is not a bad thing to do. So I was selfish and selfless, right? ;) Over-thinking, mostly, but it worked out in truly amazing ways.

See, what happened was I grabbed a new Book of Mormon that we had on our bookshelf and I started from the very beginning marking each time the Savior or God the Father was mentioned by name. I also marked whenever it said "prophet" or "angel" or "Holy Ghost" or "Spirit". Plus marking any particular scriptures or phrases that stood out to me. The idea was that at the end of the reading, I'd have done what the prophet asked and I would have a book completely full of very visible references to and words said by the Savior for me to give to someone. But now I don't want to give it away. This book means so much to me and has grown my testimony in completely unexpected ways. It's amazing.

It was incredible to read the end of Alma at the same as I was reading about Nephi and his family arriving in the promised land. Jacob & King Mosiah spoke as I read in 3 Nephi about the Savior coming. Suddenly the hundreds of years that separated these peoples and these prophecies were right next to each other and the comparisons and the realizations of the power of God were immense. I was so grateful to be able to read about the prophecy being given at the beginning of the book and then see it be fulfilled at the end of the book. I want to do it again! In fact, I kind of am. This time, I'm marking anything that is said directly by the Lord or by His angels. I'm so excited. Plus, I'm reading chapter by chapter in my personal reading as I look for individual messages just for me.

That's right. I went from zero scripture study to reading twice a day and I am loving it. I was being beat on the head about scripture study and finally just did it and now I don't know how I could ever stop. I'm feeling the Spirit more strongly than I have in years and I am breathing more easily knowing that God is with me. Truly with me.

Follow the prophet - He knows the way.

same life, new story (part 2)

This one took me a while to come to grips with. As I learned about Leah, wife of Jacob, I resisted and thought a lot to myself about how I was NOT like her. I think part of it is that a lot of Latter-day Saint women struggle with this story because Jacob had four wives. It's not one of the best reflections of lovely relationships in marriage and, at least in my learning growing up, the focus was always on the sons and the stories of the wives was glossed over.

So as I learned about Leah more specifically, I was predisposed to not like her. She was the less-likable wife and foisted off on her husband as a trick. Obviously this means she was not as likely to make a match as her nicer, prettier little sister, right? Or maybe not? What do we really know about Leah and what do we assume from hearing selected parts of the story? Well, I won't give any spoilers, but after resisting comparing any portion of her story to mine I realized that the very fact that I was resisting made me more like Leah than I realized. And I didn't really love that . . . until I opened my eyes to what that could mean for me.

Here is how (with prompts from the "Personal Reflection" questions at the end of the chapter) :

Leah's story shows us there is never a situation so bad that we cannot choose to think a new way. Describe a difficult circumstance in your life that has caused you to become stuck in an old way of thinking.
Without going into too much personal detail, events in my life have led me to visit with a therapist twice a month. These events will probably never stop happening or truly go away. As I've visited with my therapist, and as I've done a lot of praying & studying & learning - and thinking about Leah - I have realized that just knowing that I will probably never truly leave behind these circumstances in this earthly life gives me severe anxiety, depression and results in my thinking in cycles. I can't break out because I know that it's going to happen again so why bother to change anything.

How do you think Leah felt about herself in comparison to Rachel? Do you struggle with how you look or feel about yourself?
Unfortunately, we don't know a lot about how Leah felt about Rachel. We assume that she knows that Jacob was tricked into marrying her after he'd labored for seven years for Rachel and that although she gave him a second wife and many sons, he still was only interested in Rachel's hand. We don't know if she was interested in someone else or had other friends who sympathized with her. We don't know if she could have married someone else if given the opportunity. I can imagine though that it would be hard to wake up next to a man who was tricked into marrying you. Whether that means Leah struggled with her personal worth I'm not sure. I know that I do.
I often hate how I look and how I feel. I find myself looking in the mirror or at recent pictures and quickly moving away from my reflection or deleting pictures because they aren't perfect. I struggle to get ready in the morning and then am hard on myself the rest of the day for staying in "comfy" clothes instead of looking nice. Pictures of my days at college pop up on Facebook and instead of remembering happy things I think about how much I wish I looked like "her" again. It's a daily fight, sometimes more, and I frequently lose and just hide - embarrassed to leave my house and be seen with my family because I feel like a blight on their images.

How can you use Leah's example to change how you think about your situation?
I love in the book what it says after Leah bears three sons to Jacob and begs God to let this son be the one that makes Jacob love her and finally after her fourth son she decides to praise God instead of beg for Jacob's love. The book then says this:
After years . . . Leah turned to a new page in her story. She evidently grew tired of her old story of self-pity and realized how blessed by God she truly was in spite of the other difficulties in her marriage and life. Then her song of pity turned into a song of praise and her new story began on a high note.
Leah's situation didn't change. She wasn't magically transported to a new place, new life, new marriage, new family. She was still married to a man with three other wives (one her handmaid, one her sister) and while we don't know a lot about that marital relationship, we can presume there were many challenges. After having four sons, her life wasn't different - but her attitude changed and that changed her story.
My depression stems a lot from the fact that I can't change my life - not in the ways I want it to change. I know that God can change my life, but I get the feeling that He isn't going to but that this situation, this circumstance is one He wants me to experience and grow through. So even though He could use His power to whisk the pain and uncertainty away, He won't. Instead, He will ask me to praise Him and love Him anyway and then give me strength to weather the storm. I can be like Leah and instead of begging God for something that won't change, I can have faith that I can find happiness and sing praises to Him in this life even through the difficulties that come.
That realization is life-changing for me.