december or books and testimony

December 2023. Not my favorite. It actually started in November... and then things seemed to derail.

About mid-November, I started having panic attacks. I hadn't had one for quite a while, but in November, things got worse. I couldn't quite put my finger on what exactly was going on, though there were several factors that could have been to blame. Things at the theatre were tricky, things at home were not ideal, Hannalyn was having a hard time at school, and so on. 

In the midst of this came Thanksgiving and it was a balm and blessing. Three days where I refused to think or speak of the theatre. (I know, probably not actually the best coping strategy.) And then it felt like descending back into the pit to go back on Monday. Definitely not great.

On November 29, my aunt Stephanie passed away.

I was devastated. Not entirely surprised - she'd had a cancer diagnosis for three years - but things had been going well before suddenly turning for the worse. She went downhill incredibly rapidly and it was terrifying. I regretted all the things I didn't say, as happens when someone you love passes, and I sunk into a deep melancholy. Depression had me full force and it was a struggle to be able to do anything. My executive functioning just seemed to completely shut down. Everything was a struggle.

While fighting this, I decided that I would stop reading books. I didn't have anything new to read, I didn't want to buy anything with Christmas coming up, and I was busy anyway. Better to stop and focus on getting myself up and out of bed each day and eliminate one area of temptation to stay down.

Hannalyn's birthday was November 30 and she was incredibly sick. Not the celebration of her turning ten that we had hoped for at all. That added to everything else, increased difficulties at the theatre, and more just made for every day being a fight. More than once I told myself I needed to get back to therapy, but I told myself I could do that after the holidays.

I got to go to Stephanie's funeral, but I didn't get to stay as long as I wanted to. I still feel so guilty about that. I wanted to stay and talk to people, to spend time with family, but weather was bad and in order for me to make it to commitments and events the theatre was having, I had to leave. It was so frustrating and I admit that I was not happy to have to be somewhere else when I wanted to be with family.

Mid-December I realized it had been a while since I'd been to the temple. I'd been going fairly regularly, but with Hannalyn being sick and Thanksgiving and life happening, I hadn't been in about a month. I was able to find a time to go with Daniel - miracle of miracles - and on our way to the temple I realized my recommend was expired. 

It had expired in November.

I knew that, and had had the thought to renew it, but of course forgot. I had Daniel turn the car around and take me home, then he went. 

I immediately started working on getting in renewed, but didn't have much hope for anything happening because of the holidays the next week. And since the theatre was going to be in tech rehearsals, I didn't have any evening time to have an appointment set for meeting for the interview. I cried a lot. It was one more thing that was simply not fair and I couldn't figure out why everything was going wrong. 

At Steph's funeral, my cousin talked about her favorite books. I got all the titles and ordered the books. They started arriving and I started reading them and noticed an immediate change in my attitude. It is just a fact that I am a better person when I am reading a book. I'm on my phone less, I sleep more and sleep better, I process my emotions, and I am just happier in general and kinder around others. So, first lesson learned - always be reading a book, even rereads.

One night at the show, I decided I would just leave as soon as it finished and rush to see if anyone was available to do an interview for my temple recommend. I wasn't sure I'd make it, and I felt bad for not staying to clean, but I decided to just do it and so did. I left Daniel in charge of finishing up and I went as quickly as I could to the stake center. It took me a minute to find anyone, but I finally did and they said we could meet. 

As soon as I started answering interview questions, I literally felt "clouds of darkness" leaving my mind and a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I was amazed - and cried - at the immediate physical and emotional and mental difference. As I was handed my new recommend, the last of the darkness left and I felt better than I'd felt in weeks. I was still stressed and worried, I still had to deal with crappy things that made me frustrated, but I wasn't bowed down by it any more. 

I have a strong testimony of the temple - I've had incredible experiences that make it so clear to me that the temple is a holy place. But that moment of clarity brought home to me so strongly the importance of that little piece of paper. It's just a piece of paper, but like the garment that I wear physically every single day, that piece of paper represents a promise and a covenant. It is protection. Literal protection. Going without it for a month was crippling to me and my mental health. Getting it back was the greatest relief - deep and true and confirming of all things good.

I am still mourning. I still have regrets, and I am not where I think I should be. I am doing some personal work to improve and get back some confidence and building to be better after the trials of the last few months. 

But now I read books, and I laugh more. Now I go to the temple regularly, and I feel the protection of the divine.

Light always overcomes the darkness. 

Peter Pan Part 2

 We are doing 'Peter Pan' again.

We did it in 2020... got shut down... and performed it 4 weeks later as best we could.

I am thrilled to be doing it again. Daniel caught me out though and noticed that I've been more stressed and asked if it was because of trauma from last time.

I think he's right.

There is some remaining trauma. That this time won't be as good because we are taking our time. That we'll get shut down again. That things are going too smoothly. The lingering regrets over what we didn't get to do last time with so little time available to us.

Emotions and brains are interesting and tricky sometimes.

Even though I am stressed, and feeling some trauma responses, I am so excited to be able to do some more with this show. I am grateful to be able to perform for a full audience instead of the 30% capacity we had to hit last time. I am excited to actually spend time with the cast - not just two weeks before and tech week and performances with videos in between. I am loving digging into this story again.

We really are so blessed.

complaining

 No. I'm not going to complain. Well, kind of to complain about complaining. 

But let's start with a story.

When I was in junior high, I had a teacher one day who heard the lot of us complaining about something and got frustrated with us. Or maybe he just seemed to in order to teach us an awesome lesson. Either way, what he told us has stayed with me ever since (even if the details are fuzzy). Here is what he told us:

Complaining doesn't fix anything.

For a long time, there had been an intersection in our town that was very dangerous. One way was a highway with a speed limit of 45mph. It was on the way to the high school, though, and so of course many people sped and there were no other traffic calming areas for a long stretch of road. Crossing the road - the only spot in at least a mile of road - was a dangerous thing at the one intersection with only stop signs to keep anyone from traveling across the highway. It was a narrow intersection, too, with a canal on one side and limited visibility with lots of trees.

For years, people in the community and especially who lived in that neighborhood had complained about the danger of the intersection. Accidents were frequent and children liked to cross there to get to the canal, but parents worried about them being hit by a distracted and speeding driver (even before cell phones - does this date me? ha). But all the people did was complain about it. Neighbors heard about it, family heard about it, kids and community members heard about it - but nothing was ever done.

Until a boy was killed. 

And even then, adults just talked about how awful and tragic it was - blaming the city, the county, the drivers, the road, the situation, etc etc etc. Complaining that nothing was being done to improve it.

Finally, a girl just a year or two older than me and my classmates - and herself a sophomore in high school - decided to DO something about it.

It was simple really, she started a petition. She got HUNDREDS of signatures from people who lived in the area, kids at school, people she met at businesses . . . and then she took that petition to the City Council and stated her case. 

Within an incredibly short amount of time, there was a stoplight at that intersection.

I remember that stoplight being put up. I saw it happen.

And I had no idea it was because a peer of mine decided that, instead of complaining, she was going to take a simple action to fix a problem she saw.

The teacher wrapped up the story by talking to my classmates and me about how complaining doesn't make things better. It makes everyone upset and frustrated, it finds a million places to put the blame at someone's feet, it gets people riled up and grumpy, but it doesn't SOLVE anything.

But anyone can make a change. And instead of complaining, maybe we should be looking for solutions.

I am the first to admit that I complain. I do! But I have tried to make sure that WHEN I complain, I am using it to vent frustration (which is a needed thing and helpful to diffuse emotions) and not just doing it to blame or make others miserable with me. And when I'm finished venting - I stop. I don't sit in it. I don't dwell on it. Instead, I either move on with my life because there's nothing to fix and I just had a rough day OR I do something to make it better. I find a way to fix it.

I've seen this happen so many times in my life - the difference that is made when people complain vs when they actually decide to do something about a real issue.

I see it at the theatre - when cast members complain, they truly run the risk of jeopardizing a production. One person's negativity and complaining can bring down the whole group. But if they actually address a problem and get a solution - the whole group is elevated. And positivity becomes the defining feel instead of negativity and general grumpiness. 

Sometimes, there isn't an easy solution. That's where venting the frustrations of what is happening can be beneficial - at least we aren't taking out those feelings on those who don't deserve them. But once the steam has been released, we have to be willing to step forward and move out of the cloud. That doesn't mean it won't come back, but we don't have to live there.

When teaching school, when my kids would come to me with a complaint I would ask them what they wanted to do about it. Can you talk to the other kid and find a solution? Can we get a new piece of paper? Who is responsible for cleaning up the mess? What is the next step and an answer we can find to make it a better situation? I do the same in my business. When people come with a complaint, I ask them if they need to vent out some frustration and just talk through a situation or if they are coming with something that needs a solution. And if it's an issue that needs a solution - we find one. Feelings are never swept under the carpet and meanness is never tolerated. We find ways to make it better. 

Complaining doesn't help. So let's find solutions and make our world better. We deserve that. And we are more than capable of taking our situations and making them what we want them to be.