The first time I remember needing to make myself smaller I was ten. I overheard an older girl telling her friends who I looked up to that I was “an annoying kid” for wanting to always be near the older kids.
Again when I was twelve, I overheard at girls talking in a tent as I approached “oh I hope Nashelle doesn’t get assigned to our tent.” “Me too, she is so annoying.” I’d been assigned to that tent for girls camp and as I was the only beehive that year, I was put with the Mia Maids.
Both of these instances taught me quickly and rudely the importance of not listening to others talk about yourself. Eavesdroppers never hear good things about themselves is a lesson I learned in books and life (not that I was doing that- the first instance the girl deliberately raised her voice so I could hear and the second I was walking and just not in view).
I was told at my own 14th birthday party that I was too self-absorbed by a girl who I had asked what was wrong when I found her crying. Apparently, she was upset my party was bigger than hers had been (14 people were there) and then me asking after her hurt feelings was the last straw and she was mad.
These and other painful instances taught me not to trust people who I looked up to and thought were my friends. The girl who made the comment when I was ten later approached me and my mom and told her how cute I was. The girls in the tent made loud exclamations when I entered the tent, though they quickly left. I offered the girl at my party choice of games we should play and she chose one she could be in control of and lead out for long past the time it should have lasted.
I have probably not had more than an average number of experiences with betrayal and hurt in relationships and friendships, but I have always taken it hard. I struggle with social interactions, and I try so hard to be a good friend, so to be taken advantage of or used in these ways really hurts.
As an adult, I have just closed myself off from situations that can hurt me as much as possible. I don’t have many friends. I don’t interact outside of places where I know the roles of each person so I can protect myself. I keep myself small, trying to not be annoying or self absorbed.
This has been a struggle at the theatre where I’m expected to be a leader and I have to let people into my space, trusting them to take care of it. I have worked so hard over the last nine years to get to a place where I know I can trust those who are there so I don’t have to be all the time. I have tried so hard to be open to ideas and to listen to peoples cares and concerns so they know that I want them to succeed and feel loved.
So when a perceived betrayal comes from there, it hurts all the more.
I say perceived not to lessen my feelings but to acknowledge that maybe others aren’t always out to get me. ;)
I am not sure why I felt the need to write all this out today. I haven’t been thinking about this especially, though there have been a couple instances lately that have me scratching my head trying to figure out what on earth went wrong… but I’m doing better at not dwelling and focusing on future improvements. But today, I also tried to write a poem about it! And I never do poetry. Ha.
Well. Maybe someone will read this who needs it.
