A letter to my 16 year old self

I've been thinking on this a lot lately because my youngest sister will be turning 16 this summer. It's a big deal and has really started my brain & heart remembering when I turned 16.

Dear 16-year old old me,

You've been going through a rough spot. You've been questioning a lot who you are and where you belong. You've struggled to find a place where you feel truly happy. There are many people who love you and many people who belittle you. Cling to the people who love you. Let them love and hold you. Don't push them out from fear that they'll be like everyone else. Keep them close.

Remember that truth is truth is truth. It will keep you safe mentally, physically, and spiritually. Don't let others, even those with the best of intentions, sway you from what you know is true. On the days when you're not sure what is true, prayer will see you through. You learned young that prayer is the best way to feel safe, so use that every day to keep you where you should be.

Life is for living. Don't exist out of fear or to make others like you. Don't shut yourself away and be burdened by imaginary pressures. Remember - it's not all about you. You can be you, yourself, the way you were meant to be.

Things are going to get better. Not easier, but always better. There are amazing miracles and blessings coming into your life. Don't be sidetracked by temporary pleasures or hardships. Keep working, keep growing, keep pushing to reach your goals. Know that you can reach those goals. You will reach them. Despite doubts & insecurities - both your own and those inflicted on you by others - your life has purpose and meaning and  is going somewhere important.

You have a beautiful daughter waiting for you. You have an incredible husband just around the corner. Each bad relationship, each turning point in the road is meant to be and destined to direct you to the place where you can be the most happy, free, and live the life you've wanted full of joy and guided by a Heavenly Father who loves you.

You can do it. You're being cheered on by beings both here and on the other side of the veil. They'll hold you up when you can't walk. Keep praying. He is listening - He will answer.

Life is so good.
Love,
27-year old me.

There is Beauty all around

Things I've found beautiful lately:
--Hannalyn's love for all things outside - flowers, grass, dirt, the tramp, swings, etc etc etc
--having time to sit, and just sit
--clearing out my email inbox
--playing the piano for fun not for practice or for lessons
--Daniel's willingness to help me with anything, like going to the store when I have a migraine
--darkness. because I've had a migraine
--blooming flowers, especially the tulips by my mom's mailbox that greet me when we walk across the street
--the roses I got from my cast on closing night. the biggest and most beautiful bouquet I've ever received. they brighten and cheer my dining room which I love.
--standing in the sunshine
--Hannalyn's hugs

Life is beautiful.

The First Season Finale

. . . I've been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to figure out what to say and how to organize my thoughts into something kind of cohesive. It's not working. Haha.

We finished the first season at Vernal Theatre: LIVE. I can hardly believe it. It seems like just yesterday we were praying we would have lights, mics, and curtain to use as a backdrop and all of a sudden - we're finished! We completed 6 shows with extreme success - each did better than the one before it. We not only broke even, we'll be able to purchase some of our own equipment and not have to borrow (as much) as we did before. I feel extremely humbled and blessed and really just amazed.

I always knew that we'd make it through. Heavenly Father has made it clear to me that despite my immense weaknesses (and shortcomings and doubts and frustrations and concerns and worries), that His hand is guiding this theatre and those who are involved in it. All three of the directors who came in told me several times that they were doing what "felt right" and that they felt that they were "being guided" in their decisions. And of course, I felt that throughout as well. My casts, even my staging was done with prayer as I begged that each show be something that was accessible and worth it both to cast and audience members.

There is a lot of work to do. I was thinking I'd get a break but really I need to dive into Season 2 so that when we get there it isn't as insanely crazy as this one was. But this time, I know a little bit more and I have a little more support. Both of which I think will go a very long way. Last time, it was me and my family. This time, I'm adding some dear friends who simply won't go away which says to me that they are serious about helping. And that is going to be immense in changing the shape of the next season. I can't wait.

After a strong start and a strong finish, I am confident more than ever that my Savior lives and loves me. He is interested in your life and in mine. I am so grateful for this opportunity and just pray that I continue to be up to the task.

We did it! What an incredible miracle. WE. DID. IT.

Listening

I feel like sometimes my blog gets repetitive. I mean, I say the same things a lot. I mean, my brain revolves around similar ideas and I same them all not necessarily in different ways. ... It's early.

So anyway. I've been thinking a lot lately about listening. Listening to Hannalyn, to Daniel, to my family & friends, and listening to the whisperings (or shouts) of the Spirit. I've written before about my sometimes strange conversations that I have with myself / Heavenly Father. I mean, I feel weird because I shouldn't talk to a Heavenly Parent the way I sometimes do. But I know that the words being put in my head that I respond to are not my own so...

I read a funny meme that said "I'm not crazy. The voices in my head told me so."

Yup.

I've tried really hard to be a good listener all my life. It's hard sometimes. It's hard because you can't just listen to the words, you also have to listen to the tone and inflection. It's helpful to see people when they are speaking to really understand what they mean (or don't mean). My friends and family don't always seek me to listen to them, but I'm proud that when they do, they always talk for a long time and seem to feel better when they leave. I like listening.

Don't expect good advice though. I'm not so good at that.

I've been trying to be better about listening to the Spirit. I think I do a decent job most of the time. I'm definitely not great at it, but I am getting better. And it's always helpful to me to think about the times when I have listened and remember the distinct blessings that have come from listening. For example:
    -Going to Snow.
    -Transferring to BYU (a fun experience while working at day care one summer which changed the course of my life).
    -Choosing or unchoosing people who are involved in my life.
    -Marrying Daniel.
    -Having Hannalyn.
    -Starting the theatre.

These are all big examples of course but there are lots of small ones:
    -The movies & tv shows I watch and don't watch
    -The music I listen to (HUGE impact on my EVERY day)
    -Driving patterns - I usually drive the same pattern every day but now and then get a prompting to go a different way. Why? Who knows? Probably God but He's not sharing but it makes a difference to me.
    -How I react to my students & my casts
    -Who I text during the day. Sometimes I text people because the thought won't leave that they need a reach-out. Even if it's something silly. I'm trying to get better at this one because I'm really insecure about people thinking I'm annoying BUT. Working on it.

Lots of listening. There are many things I wouldn't have done in my life if I hadn't listened to the promptings of the Spirit. Life is big and scary and overwhelming and I can't imagine doing any of the things I'm doing - marriage, parenting, or directing the theatre - without the support of the Spirit to guide me. There are a lot of days that I'm not ok. Or if I am, I'm just barely ok. I'm going through the motions and making it through and even finding moments to enjoy. That makes it hard to look to the future with excitement.
Until I remember that all I need to do is listen. Just wait, and listen. That gives me hope. It gives me strength. It makes those moments of joy mean all the more and expands them until they grow bigger and brighter and I can look forward with purpose and meaning and find fulfillment in what I do. It makes me so happy.

I'm where I am, doing what I'm doing - because of the influence of a loving Heavenly Father who speaks to me every day through the promptings and whispering of the Holy Ghost. It's amazing and a miracle. That's how I see my life - a miracle. And I am so so grateful for it.

Keeping Going

Just like everyone, I have good days and bad days. I readily admit it. My life isn't perfect, I am not perfect, my family isn't perfect, my business-running skills aren't perfect, my businesses themselves are not perfect. NOTHING IS PERFECT.

(Well, except the Gospel but we'll get to that in a minute.)

Yesterday was a really really hard day. I had to deal with a lot of things that were really hard for me and for others, too, if I am being sympathetic. For example:

I had to deal with grumpy patrons who called/emailed and called me names because my website "wasn't working" for them. I've been there - I've been the grumpy patron more times than I'd like to admit. It is completely different standing on the other side. Trying to patient and kind and knowing what the issue is but trying not to make the patron feel stupid (although maybe that's what they need - some humility). It's hard to be called names and yelled at and leave a conversation with a total stranger feeling worthless and like I'm doing everything wrong.

I had to deal with not having enough hours in the day. You'd think that after 27 years of life I'd have figured out that no matter what I do or how hard I pray, I don't get extra hours. I may be blessed with the brain-power to better prioritize but I won't get more time if I'm not prepared. I was not prepared and I messed up a lot of things and didn't get half done of what I needed to. And then I ate chocolate and moped which was STILL not using my time wisely. ;)

I had to deal with "breaking the heart" of an 11-year old girl in my cast. And after my talk with her (which I think went well...?), realizing how many other dreams have been crushed because of my theatre. That was something awesome (read-awful) to realize. Let's face it - nothing about theatre is fair. I've known that for years! People who deserve the lead role don't get, people who don't deserve the lead role do, parts are given and taken away, and life happens and screws everyone up. I get it. I've been on every end of the stick that there is. I promise I know what it feels like to not get cast. To get the only role you don't want in the show. To be promised a "promotion" and then have it taken away. I've done it all. And it sucks. It's not fair. It doesn't even get easier to deal with when you're older. You still hate it.

It's also not fair to a cast to make exceptions to the rule. It's not fair to people who show up every single day like they've been asked to and to people who work their tails off to have someone else get rewarded. It's also not fair to give consequences to some for their choices and not to all. And I, as the director of this particular show (and even more so as the director of the theatre), get to be the person that makes those hard choices. And then I get to be the person who gets looked down on, punished, yelled at, called names, and belittled for making the hard choices. It sucks. I hate it. It's not fair - to me. Why should I have to put up with it? It's so hard to brush off the judgment. To look past the tears on children who have become so dear to me as I see them experiencing a beautiful world and then they realize that even a pretend world isn't fair. It's so hard to stick up for myself and for what I know in my heart needs to happen - even though it sucks. For everyone! It sucks for me to have to make the choice, it sucks for the people it effects, it sucks for the people who deal with the fall-out and either get more responsibilities or lose some.

So why keep on going? Because yesterday I wanted to quit. I wanted to be done. I was so depressed and overwhelmed, not by finishing 'Seussical', but by the prospect of a new season. Of doing all of this AGAIN. Of wanting to audition for shows and not being able to because I have to fill administrative roles. Of watching people - both children and adults (because adults have feelings too) - be hurt by casting decisions. Of watching people who want to badly to participate be unable to and of having people participate who don't really want to be here and can't commit. Of feeling so alone and like there is so much to do and not knowing who to ask. Of just doing it all myself because that's quicker and easier than waiting for a response from someone who may be able to help.

I vented some of these feelings (good choice? bad? not sure) to my cast. I told them my story. I told them about how 2 years ago I was done with theatre. I couldn't take it any more. I had had a good run - 15 years and more than 40 productions and I wanted to be a great supporter but no longer a participant. I finished my "last" show and felt good about doing something new and different with my life.

...and then got almost literally shoved out the front door to look for spaces and a matter of MONTHS later - ended up with the theatre. It should not have been possible in the real world. Things like that just don't happen. It was there and then, even more than the promptings I got along the way, that I realized that God (or whatever higher power you want to call it but He's my God) WANTS this theatre to happen. That this is a good thing. In this world of fear, darkness, and hatred - the theatre is a good place for good people and even not-so-good people to come and be part of something bigger and better. It's a place for people to come and grow and change and better themselves and the others around them - just by getting to know them.

As I talked to my cast about this, I had it reaffirmed to me so strongly that what I am doing is a good thing. It sucks. And it's NOT fair. Not to anyone. But it is good. The lessons that we learn as struggle through the injustice of participating in the theatre make us better. Even if they aren't the lessons we thought we wanted. And isn't that a great parallel to life?

Yesterday, I went from having a horrible day full of crap and crap and more crap to being able to share something personal with my cast and realizing that - sucky unfairness, hard scariness, lack of ability and all - this is a good thing. And one that I want to continue being a part of. Even through all the hard. Because I am a better person for going through the hard and especially for meeting the people that I have met. I have hurt so many feelings both directly and indirectly. I have also seen people be inspired by a show, by the people, by the experience to be better. Both of which I hope never go away. Good and bad make life complete. Hard, but complete.

And I am grateful to be just a small part of it.
<3

Why I do what I do
God catches me

Weekends

The last two weekends have been pretty spectacular.

The last weekend in March, starting on Thursday (which isn't the weekend-believe me I know), Daniel and I went to Salt Lake City to see The Lion King. Before we did that, we rode Trax into town and had dinner with my roommates from Snow. It was fantastic to see them and sit and talk with them. I feel like there is never enough time to really see them. I also hate that I'm always the one that has to leave first. But it was lots of fun anyway. I loved seeing them. We haven't all been together for more than 5 minutes in probably 4 years. There is definitely a lot I can improve on there.

We drove home and spent Fri & Sat in Vernal, then Sunday morning early we drove back out to the Wasatch Front - this time to Orem to hear my grandparents report on their mission to Turkey. It was really stupendous. I felt the Spirit so strongly and it was great to have all of my siblings there. I think the last time all of us sat together in church was 21 months ago when my grandparents were leaving for Turkey. It was a great experience. I was so grateful to be there. And Hannalyn was in HEAVEN with her favorite aunts and uncles around plus a bunch of kids to play with. She didn't sit still the whole afternoon. It was so much fun. We drove home that evening.

Last weekend, the first weekend in April, was General Conference. What an absolutely amazing weekend. I love listening to the words of prophets and apostles and feeling the love and Spirit that comes. I know that Conference is a hard time for many people - it's an opportunity to nitpick and criticize and question what is taught. I'm not really sure when or why my feelings toward Conference changed - it was something to do on the weekend that was different that other weekends. But I am so grateful they did. I was in college (maybe earlier in high school?) and I felt the Spirit while I listened. It was the most out-of-the-blue thing to my mind and I suddenly realized the value in listening to inspired men of God. Since then, I sit and listen to every session. I'm not perfect and fall asleep because my body thinks holding still for more than 5 minutes means sleep time. ;) But I take great care to make sure I am focused on Conference for all the sessions. It changes my life and changes me when I do.

This upcoming weekend is the opening of "Seussical the Musical" - the Season Finale of the first season at Vernal Theatre: LIVE. Can you believe it? I sure can't. It seems incredible to me that at this time one year ago I was still fighting for money to be used to purchase the building. All seemed lost and far away and impossible. What a dream this year has been. Sometimes it verges on a nightmare with all of the everything that can and does go wrong and all that I still don't know. I am grateful, however, for a loving and trusting Heavenly Father who has guided us every step of the way. It was been a real ride and I am so excited for it to be over. ;) And to be able to do it again next year. Hopefully with some more help.

Three great things! Three great weekends! I am so blessed. :)

I hope your weekends have been fantastic, too.