one month later

I turned 28 last month.

Yup. It went about like that, too.

My birthday came, it happened, it went.

There were some great parts - I received some very thoughtful gifts and notes. I had lunch with a friend of mine and watching Hannalyn interact with her boys was hilarious. I watched prayers be answered during auditions for The Secret Garden.

There were some hard parts.

I talked with my friend about how things in life are supposed to be hard. That if making choices were easy, we wouldn't learn anything. We talked about how complaining about how hard everything is makes it harder - and that's true. We also, I think, can grow more out of acknowledging that something is hard and giving ourselves some credit for being tough.

When a choice is hard, we focus more on what is right and what we really want.
When a commitment is hard, we learn more from the examples of others around us.
When a trial is hard, we turn more readily to the Savior.

I've been 28 for one month and it has been hard. I've complained a lot. I've worried a lot. I've let commitments to myself and others slide and I've lost myself in my trials. And it's ok - it's ok for life to be hard and for us to tell ourselves and others that it is hard.

But hard does not equate unhappy.

In fact, when we find joy in the midst of hard times, our joy is multiplied and magnified and becomes greater than we knew it could be. That is a miracle.

So as I learn more about myself and more about being 28, I know that it won't be easy. In fact, most of it will be hard. I also know that when I look for it, especially in the hard times, I can find happiness.

That is something worth working for.

on the Ledge

The last couple of days have been . . . interesting.

I felt like I was drowning for so long and then it was almost as though satan said 'here it is - the doozy to knock her down forever', and something repelled it. He tried too hard and I was able to punch past. Maybe that's a bad way to explain it.

I've been reading a lot recently (happens around my birthday and Christmas when I buy myself some new books) and so my thought processes are a little dramatic. Bear with me.

I've felt for a long while like I've been falling. But not peacefully falling, oh no, not just floating down to the bottom of a pit but hitting and scraping the sides as I go. Landing on an out-cropping of rock just long enough to gasp for air, then it falls away and down we go again. There is no relief. Not just falling, but continual pain and jolting from side to side to make everything seem and feel and hurt worse.

Then I landed on a ledge. A narrow one, an unstable one, but one that is holding me up. It's made up of the prayers and well-wishes of family and friends. It has stopped the wind rushing through my ears and given me a moment to breathe. It's moderately terrifying because I fear the fall from this ledge may be the worst yet and I don't know that I would ever resurface. But it's also so comforting and so reassuring to know that, even though I thought the fall would never stop, there are people who love me.

A couple of conversations I've had. A note from a friend. An inspiring message on Facebook, not necessarily sent to me, but definitely meant for me. These are the things holding me up, making me realize that maybe the hole I've fallen into isn't a wide and dark as I thought. There is a faint, faint light at the top and if I can carefully - so, so carefully reach out - I may find the ladder that has been thrown down, the hand that has been out-stretched to pull me back up to safety.

The climb back up will not be easy. In fact, it's tempting to just sit here on the ledge and try to find a measure of happiness here in safety. But it's not safe. The safety of a ledge is misleading - it can crumble at any time and send me plummeting back through the darkness. The only way to be safe, to be happy, to reach and feel the light again is by climbing. Thankfully, I am starting to see that I do not have to climb alone. I have to do it myself, yes, no one will pull me out as I hang limply, but they will hold the line secure. There are many ropes I can use to make a harness of safety as I take the time to breathe, the move, and to be sure of myself and the foundation I build to happiness.

It's been an interesting couple of days.

Grandpa Jackson in Vernal

Daniel's dad came to visit for a couple of days in February. It was so nice to have him here - and Hannalyn was in heaven. She loved showing him around, setting the table for 4 instead of 3, getting him to ride in our car, and reading stories with him. It was a great few days. He'd come up to visit Daniel's brother and family in Idaho for Daniel's niece's baptism and included us in his trip. He was able to make it here and back to SLC before the crazy snow storm hit. It was a beautiful few days with him here. <3

the talk I gave

Talk 2/24 – How to Live Well amid Increasing Evil

Intro topic:

            I was asked to speak on the talk “How to live well amid increasing evil” given by Elder Richard G. Scott. This talk was given in 2004 and it was incredible to me the first time I read it how applicable this talk is in our lives. As I share his talk with you, you may think that it was given recently, but keep in mind that Elder Scott’s counsel was given 14 years ago and how applicable that makes it even now. This is a great example of prophetic vision and counsel.

ACKNOWLEDGING EVIL

            Elder Scott begins his talk by saying “You have a choice. You can wring your hands and be consumed with concern for the future or choose to use the counsel the Lord has given to live with peace and happiness.” If you choose to concentrate on the dark side, this is what you will see. Much of the world is being engulfed in a rising river of degenerate filth, with the abandonment of virtue, righteousness, personal integrity, tradition marriage, and family life.  (Remember this talk was given in 2004 – we see all of this so much more today!) Satan skillfully manipulates the power of all types of media and communication. His success has greatly increased the extent and availability of such degrading and destructive influences worldwide. In the past some effort was required to seek out evil, now it saturates portions of virtually every corner of the word. We cannot dry up the river of evil influences, but we can and must, with clarity, warn of the consequences of getting close to its enticing, destructive current.”

            “Have you noticed how Satan works to capture the mind and emotions with flashing images, blaring music, and the stimulation of every physical sense to excess? He diligently strives to fill life with action, entertainment, and stimulation so that one cannot ponder the consequences. Life is not this way. Yes, agency allows you to choose what you will, but you cannot control the outcome of those choices. Our Father in Heaven determines the consequences of your choices. Obedience will yield happiness, while violation of His commandments will not.”

            We cannot ignore the increasing evil in the world. We cannot pretend that it does not exist. To simply choose to avert our eyes or “scroll down” does make the evil go away. And it does not teach our children how to develop strength, character, and testimony in spite of outside influences. While we should not seek out evil, acknowledging its presence, and teaching about the real consequences of giving into temptation will ultimately lead to a greater happiness and increased awareness – not of evil, but of good as we turn our focus to the redeeming power of our Savior.

            Elder Scott says – “If you have become entangled in sin from poor choices, please decide to come back now. You know how to begin. Do it now. We love you. We need you. God will help you.”

CHOOSING HAPPINESS

            “Now the brighter side. Despite pockets of evil,” Elder Scott says, “the world overall is majestically beautiful, filled with many good and sincere people. God has provided a way to live in this world and not be contaminated by the degrading pressures throughout it. You can live a virtuous, productive, righteous life by following the plan of protection created by your Father in Heaven: His plan of happiness. It is contained in the scriptures and in the inspired declarations of His prophets.”

            2 Nephi 2:25 – men are that they might have JOY. We are meant to find and embrace the goodness in life. There is so much in this world that is good and beautiful – we need only to open our eyes and acknowledge it. If we close our eyes to evil, we are also closing our eyes to what good we may see.

            Consider these verses:

            “All things must come to pass in their time (God knew the challenges we would face when He gave this counsel) Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. Behold the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind; and the willing and obedient shall eat the good of the land of Zion.”

            This is a priceless promise. As you continue to center your mind and heart in the Savior, He will help you have a rich and full life no matter what happens in the world around you. And Heavenly Father always keeps His promises – we know that He will follow through.

            Paul taught “be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” Jesus taught: “Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many, but endure them, for lo, I am with thee even unto the end of the days. He who is faithful shall overcome all things, and shall be lifted up at the last day.”

            Finally, follow this pattern of success: Come unto Christ and be perfect in him, deny yourselves of all ungodliness and love God with all your might, mind and strength, that by His grace ye may be perfect in Christ.

            I love Mother Teresa’ high bar for Christian behavior: 

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you.

Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Give the world your best and it maybe never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.

It never was between you and them anyway.

            Elder Scott says, and I emphasize: “I know that the plan of happiness can lift and bless those who live it anywhere.”

Elder Scott says, “though life may seem difficult now, hold on to that iron rod of truth. You are making better progress than you realize. Your struggles are defining character, discipline, and confidence in the promises of your Father in Heaven and the Savior as you consistently obey Their commandments. You are so important. You are so needed.”

In every talk I give, I always share the poem “Desiderata”. It was shared with me at a time in my life where I felt lost and alone. I wasn’t sure if anyone cared or could hear me and this poem touched me in a personal way. 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Conclusion from Elder Scott’s talk:

            “Excellent suggestions to combat the deteriorating world have been given. President Hinckley put world conditions and our opportunities into clear perspective. First, regarding the challenge:

            The traditional family is under heavy attack. I do not know that things were worse in the times of Sodom and Gomorrah … We see similar conditions today. They prevail all across the world.

            Now concerning our extraordinary opportunities:

            Who in the earlier days could have dreamed of this season of opportunity in which we live? … The Church is in wonderful condition, it will grow and strengthen. It is our opportunity and our challenge to continue in this great undertaking, the future of which we can scarcely imagine.

            As you continue to center your mind and heart in the Lord, He will help you have a rich and full life no matter what happens in the world around you. Avoid worldly wickedness. Know that God is in control. Your security is in God your Father and His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ. The Savior lives, He is a resurrected, glorified personage of perfect love. He is your hope, Mediator, your Redeemer. Through obedience, let Him guide you to peace and happiness.”

Testimony:

            I add my witness to that of Elder Scott’s that Christ lives and He loves us. The entire purpose of His plan is for our happiness. We can be happy if we simply turn to Him. I bear this testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

hoping for better

*this post took an unexpected turn . . . It's pretty dark and gives insight into my thoughts that I hadn't planned to share. I almost deleted it, but felt I shouldn't. Just know, before reading, that if you don't understand, it's ok. I don't expect anyone to, largely because I don't understand myself. 

I'm just going to say it straight - February was ROUGH.

Not all of it, some of it was really great: Forever Plaid performances, Daniel's Dad visiting us, Hannalyn & I doing a lot together, spending time with some great people . . .

But just thinking about the month as a whole makes me want to cry.

I'm trying really hard to find a balance of accepting what I can control and letting go of what I can't, especially when it comes to people. But it's hard to find the line of responsibility - especially months later.

I believe that there is a loving Heavenly Father who guides and protects us. I believe that He sent His Son to die for us and atone for our sins. He made the Ultimate Sacrifice so that we can become as God one day. I have a firm belief and conviction that this is truth.

I also believe that we don't wait until we die to try to be better. This life is time of mistakes, yes, but also a time to learn and better ourselves from those mistakes. Everyone is allowed "bad days", but when it starts becoming a "bad month" or a "bad year", we need to start looking at patterns of behavior.

So I've had a bad month. And I know why. I have allowed myself to wallow in grief and pain. I haven't moved past the hurt of truth and have sunk into a depression that is harder and harder to rise out of. It scares me. And that fear only adds to the cycle. So I try to rise up, I try to forgive myself and forgive the others who (perhaps unknowingly) have hurt me. I say to myself "this day, this hour, this minute - I will do and be better". And sometimes it is. And sometimes it's not.

I have always tried to be an honest person. I hate being lied to. I spent a good portion of my high school days with liars and cheaters and when I finally got out, the relief I felt was immense. I resolved that I would never put someone else in a position where they felt they couldn't be honest with me. Of course, taking into account personal responsibility and willingness to be truthful, that doesn't always happen BUT hopefully, it is never because I am not a truthful person.

. . . I'm struggling because I feel the last few months I have been lied to on a grand scale. By people that I consider(ed?) my friends and close associates. Out of the blue, I'm learning that a couple of individuals have had less than good experiences at the theatre. Now, I know that I can't make everyone have a good time. I'm not so conceited as to think that everyone will love everything about every experience. But apparently, something was said or done a long time ago that was never addressed which led to feelings being hurt and resentment building up over several months to now mini-explosions are happening. And I'm caught up in the middle of it. I honestly don't know what to own as mine and what to let go - and so I spiral into a depression of lost opportunity, lost friendships, and fear of the future.

I like to think that I am open to criticism. Not meanness, that's different, but if I do or say something that is offensive, I try to be quick to seek forgiveness and repair the wrong. I can't do that when the thing that was said or done I still am not even aware of 3 months later, but apparently it was significant enough that my "friends" lied to me about it and pretended that everything was fine until something (still unknown) triggered a back-lash. And somehow, somewhere, I am supposed to own some part of this. But I can't figure out what and it scares me. It's giving me anxiety to the point that I don't want to be at the theatre. I am ashamed to admit that. I feel legitimate fear when I walk into the building that I am going to do or say something wrong and everything I've tried so hard to build is going to come crashing down around my ears. I don't want to be a director and try to direct people who may take offense at my direction. It scares me to be there and to risk losing people who need this outlet so desperately.

I can't figure out what I need to own of this drama and what I need to let other people own. Obviously I can't go back in time and change whatever happened (not that anyone has told me), but I hate trying to move forward guessing whether or not what I'm doing or saying now is the same as was the problem then. It's an endless circle of doubt and fear - punctuated by moments of happiness like being with Hannalyn, seeing Daniel's dad, playing the piano in Forever Plaid, and getting a couple of very genuine and kind birthday gifts and wishes that I could tell were meant for me. I can't explain how the light of these seemingly small events have made bearable an otherwise dark month. I'm recognizing patterns in myself that I need to stop - staying in bed, not getting dressed, not eating regularly - and yet there is a small part of me that knows that everything isn't lost yet. That there is hope, there is a chance to improve and become stronger and better. I just need to find it.

Here's to a new day, a new month, a new hour in which to find the joy that we are meant to have.