what i really mean

I've been studying honesty. Well, studying meaning reading about it in a book and doing some exercises practicing self-honesty. And honestly, (see what I did there - ha!) it's HARD. It's hard to be honest with yourself when you've been telling yourself certain things for so long that you believe them. Deep down believe them.

I've been seeing this revolution on social media lately - women (and men, but mostly women) who are working on being honest with themselves to truly get what they want out of life and be happy. It's kind of incredible. This is a post for another day, but for now, know that THIS post originated because I'm working on being honest.

So with that in mind we'll take the plunge.

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I really suck at asking for help. Honesty: I hate to do it. I am a strong, independent woman who doesn't need the assistance of anyone for anything. At least that's what I'd like to tell myself and which is, unfortunately, far from true.

I think many people experience this thought process. For me, it's a struggle to want to invite people in, not only because I want to prove that I am capable but I am very private and I don't want others to see my struggles. This can be in anything from trying a new recipe to planting a garden (which I'm not doing right now because I haven't asked for help ugh) to . . . the big stuff, too.

So I've been working at the theatre a lot. Well, not a lot recently, but over the last two years I've done a lot at the theatre. Obviously. Ok. And one of the things that I know has to happen for the theatre to be successful long term is that I have to involve other people. As much as I possibly can for any and every reason. That includes getting lots of actors and tech people, of course, but it also includes getting people there to help clean up and organize and take care of the building so that THEY develop a care for the building and are more invested beyond just one show. This makes sense to me.

And yet I still struggle to invite people.
Especially to help clean. (or give lots of their time in any way, but especially cleaning which can be gross)

I'm really bad at this - I'll send a text to a group that basically says "I'm cleaning on this day at this time but don't come if you don't really want to and have absolutely nothing else to do so I'm not pressuring or inconveniencing you. Thanks!" . . . Yup. It's rough. I tell them: I need your help, but I don't want your help so you decide what to do but only if I'm not being an inconvenience. Or maybe it's really: I want your help but don't need it.

Tell me I'm not the only one who does this.

There are times when I legitimately think I don't need help with a project. I feel like I can do it on my own, it'll work out fine, and it doesn't take long. And yet I feel that I need to invite someone(s) to help me with it. WHY?! I ask. Why should I invite people to help me when it's extra gross, or not going to take very long even with one person, or something so easy I really can do it alone.

Well I've been thinking a lot about this and I've come up with a couple of answers. Answers that I don't necessarily like, if I'm being honest, but that I think are real.

+ They need a chance to serve.
+ I need to be served.
+ Building community is what the theatre is about.
+ It's not all about me.

So I'm trying. And I'm learning. Not very quickly, apparently, because I have to keep being reminded of these things and keep working toward patience and humility and asking for help. But.

I guess what I really mean is - thank you for all you do for me. Your prayers, thoughts, and good-wishes are very felt. And if you want to help in some way, you are welcome any time. My door is always open to helpers. <3

thirty

low-quality pic, high-quality individual

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Dear Husband,

Today is your birthday. You have officially crossed the realm into what I once considered "old". Congratulations on coming so far.

If I could make one wish for you on your birthday, I would wish that this year brings you a cup running over with the knowledge of how loved you are. I would wish that as you drink from that overfull cup, you would see the truth of how your family and your friends see you - as a strong, spiritual, tender and loving person. I would wish that you could know of this love, and understand it. And perhaps most of all, accept it.

I love you so much. You are a phenomenal human being and the best to be spending a life with.

All my love,
me.

--

And Hannalyn loves you too. ;)

Book Review: Road to Gretna Green

This was such a great collection of stories! I thoroughly enjoyed each one, and that's hard to do in a collection because the settings and story lines are typically very similar. While the settings of the stories are similar, the plots are each different and the resulting characters and fun that is had while reading are exceptional and a wonderful example of how to create a complete collection. Clean romances, all, and full of the wonder and excitement of new storytelling.

Find on AMAZON or GOODREADS

SAVING GRACE by Lucinda Brant
When widow Helen, Lady Dysart, returns to the English border town of Carlisle for a family wedding, she decides to confront local physician Royston Meredith, the man who broke her heart. Royston has loved Helen since they were teenagers. He thought the feeling mutual until she up and married the local MP. While everyone around them hopes this reunion will see Helen and Royston sort out their differences, of more immediate concern is Royston’s youngest sister Grace, when she elopes with the steward’s son. Helen and Royston dash after her, determined to save her from scandal and an imprudent match. But in saving Grace the couple may very well be saving themselves.

FOOLS RUSH IN by Julie Daines
Richard Arden needs a wife in order to collect his inheritance. Eliza Barnes needs to escape an arranged marriage to the odious Mr. Barrington. When Richard overhears Eliza’s plight at the coaching inn, he does the most reckless thing he’s ever done—he proposes to a woman he’s never met before. What begins as an easy solution leads Richard and Eliza on a journey across the country with Mr. Barrington at their heels, complicated even more when their fake engagement leads to feelings that are very real.

A LADY OF SCANDAL by Heather B. Moore
Unfortunately, Bridget’s marriage is over in four hours due to her husband’s tragic death. Fortunately, Bridget is now free from her distasteful marriage of convenience. When her year of mourning passes, and she meets her former husband’s cousin, Bridget discovers that her difficulties are far from over. Lord Hugh Wilde blames Bridget for his cousin’s death. But when Bridget’s sister elopes to Gretna Green with a man of questionable reputation, Lord Wilde is the only one who can help, and they both have to set aside their pride to rescue the errant sister

about money

This is part of an email I sent to my grandmother about stuff at the theatre. I want to dispel some ideas and assumptions that have been made and so decided to share this here. We'll see what happens.

We love having [others] come and share a wealth of knowledge that we simply don’t have. I feel my college education helps me every day, but not when it comes to what to buy- just how to run it. They should have an ‘Intro to Running Your Own Theatre Class’ at colleges. Ha!

We are having a blast. Our focus has always been the people and I think we will be most successful if we continue to keep it there. People will put their time and energy into what they value and if they feel valued. So, we value people at the theatre, and that will eventually turn around and benefit us. It actually already has in terms of 100% of costuming being donated, making TWO bank loan payments a month with a total payment of $1000, and having people who come and share their time and knowledge for free so we can put on great productions. No one is paid as part of a production. Not even me.

And we are profitable. I started with $50 and we have now, through ticket sales (of which we get almost nothing - those stats are depressing) and donations (from incredible people like you) paid $9400 for a sound upgrade and almost $12000 for a lighting upgrade last year. We have no debt, except the two loan payments for the building which we plan to increase the payment on at the end of the summer to pay off more quickly.

That said, we cannot spend money wherever we want. We have to plan for things in advance like production rights- we cannot announce, audition, or rehearse a show until the rights are 100% paid for. On average, a Musical is $3000 and a play is $800. To announce the first three shows in my season, I need $6800 cash (or credit card, but some companies only take checks). And that much again to announce the second half. I can’t create publicity, make statements about shows we are doing, anything until this money is paid in full. Now, each show has paid for itself, meaning that each musical makes more than we pay (ie Secret Garden cost about $3000 and we made about $2500 after “paying off” the rights). But then we have to pay the loans, utilities, and more. And in the summer our income is $0 which is why we are trying Annie Jr this summer to try to help give us a boost. So everything we made on Secret Garden has to get us through the summer and into September before we start getting the money from our next production. The credit limit on my three cards is $10,000. I literally cannot purchase all the shows until I have funds to pay them off. Until I know I have secured production rights, I’m not going to spend money in other areas. It’s not because the funds aren’t there- it’s likely that they are as we continue to be more profitable each show we put on- it’s that I have to plan now for next April. I prefer to do that with a small cushion, and without making plans I’m not sure I can commit to if something goes wrong. I also don’t like owing people money so I won’t borrow unless I have to. Offers of that kind have been made, but I hate being in that position.

I like to think my seeming lack of willingness to commit to huge financial projects is actually money smarts. We have more fun equipment now than we thought we’d have in the first 10 years- and we have it after two! Now we need to put our profits into the building itself and that will not be cheap or and easy. It is necessary, though, if we want it to last for another 80 years.

We are constantly looking for ways to improve, we are constantly looking for sponsors and donors who are willing to make sure we have costumes, props, set pieces and more, but most important- we are keeping our focus on the people. And while nice equipment is nice, it’s not necessary. And the time will come when the good we put into people will come back and give us fancy lights and more. We’re not struggling financially at all (provided our ticket sales stay the same and people keep donating) and we’re having a blast.

The theatre has $0 debt, I put minimal amounts of my own money into it any more, and it is 100% self-sufficient. It’s an incredible and amazing blessing and I couldn’t have done it without being taught about money at a very early age. So thank you, Grandma.

sunday the 20th

Sunday we had the opportunity to drive with my family to Lehi to visit my cousins who are going on missions. Twin girls, one called to Frankfurt Germany and the other to Hong Kong China. It was great to see them and hear their testimonies. I remember them so vividly as little babies that it's weird to me that they are old enough to be serving missions, but it's also really cool, so I'm coping. And while I could/should write about the spiritual awesomeness of their farewell and the fun I had with my extended family, visiting with my siblings & aunts after the meeting, this post is actually about something else.

It's about a hug.

You see, when the ward choir got up to sing during the meeting on Sunday, I recognized a friend of mine. She's one of the most amazing people I know and is, in fact, a huge reason that I went to Snow College and set my life on better tracks. She knew my aunt and my aunt told me to contact her about Snow and I did, went down to stay a weekend with her, and ended up going for the next two years. That simple, it's true. She & I were on the same Leadership Team and in the same advanced choir so we spent a lot of time together. That, and she was the RA in my dorm and would come check on me regularly just to make sure I was doing ok with the transition to college life.

I found her after the meeting and the hug she gave me made me cry. Literally cry in all the best ways. It was the hug of two people who haven't seen each other in going on 6 years and yet still have great love and admiration for each other. The thing is - I knew I felt that way about her, but I had not the slightest clue she felt that for me. When I felt her love coming through in the way she tightly hugged me, really hugged me, it was overwhelming to my broken heart and such a comfort and relief.

I think it is so incredible that we are able to meet certain people in our lives who, no matter the time or the space or the distance - can still love us. Since the last time we saw each other, there have been huge changes in our lives. I taught school, quit teaching and had a baby, moved to Vernal, opened a theatre, bought a house, etc etc etc. She got engaged and married, has moved a couple times, traveled to crazy amazing places, etc etc etc. We only spoke briefly, much too briefly, about "remember when" and what we are up to now. We both were slightly surprised that we met for the first time 10 years ago. TEN!!! And then I had to go, and leaving her and her incredibly genuine and loving spirit was so. hard. to do.

The ten minutes I spent with her was such a rejuvenation for my heart, and one that I didn't know that I needed. Yet somehow, she knew. I could tell by the careful questions she asked and the way she held me just a little bit longer and a little bit tighter. That's one of her spiritual gifts - one that I recognized in her when I first met her and she made a terrified, shy 18-year old feel like the most important person in the world as she shared her heart, home, and dreams with me and included me in her vision of a grand future. That weekend I spent with her is still one of my favorite memories of all time. And I am grateful how dear to her heart our friendship has remained (just like me!).

I was reminded that I have friends, old and new, who genuinely care. And that is a huge blessing.

about Mothers

my mom and me Aug 4, 2011

I have a strange relationship with Mother's Day. There are many things I really love about it and a few things with which I struggle. Well, maybe it's not so much that I struggle (though I do) but that I am aware that others are struggling. I saw many posts today about how Mother's Day is hard - some have lost their mother, some never knew their birth mother, some have had toxic mothers, some women are not mothers though they are of an age to be, and some are mothers who feel unworthy of that title because they are imperfect.

As a child, Mother's Day was not a huge holiday, but it was an important day. It was a day that my dad tried to make special for my mom and we kids were a big part of that. We gave her gifts, helped to prepare dinner (sorta), played her favorite games & watched her favorite movies - basically it was like another birthday but without a party. Sometimes we even had cake. It was a day to celebrate a special woman in my life and a day that I looked forward to as I got older and could choose my own gift to give. 

I didn't want to celebrate my mom because she was perfect, I knew she wasn't (though she was very very close - and the more cookies I got the closer she came ;) ). I wanted to celebrate her because I saw the love that my dad had for her and I wanted to make sure she knew that I loved her, too. I would get my siblings to help me make breakfast for her in bed and write poems and color pictures. We did the same for my grandmothers and my mom would mail the letters we wrote. I felt like it was a special day to remember special people. I still do.

As I've gotten older and realized the many opinions and feelings about Mother's Day, I have formed the following thoughts for myself:

- everyone celebrates holidays differently and will have different memories to go with them

- Mother's Day is a holiday I enjoy because I get to spend special time serving my mom and that makes this day a good day to have in remembrance of her

- even though I myself feel inadequate as a mother and Hannalyn is too little to do much more than color a picture and tell me she loves me, I hope that she and I can form a special bond together as she grows and I share with her what motherhood means to me

Mother's Day is hard. I am not the mom I thought I would be. However, if I evaluate myself honestly and look at my ultimate examples of motherhood - my Heavenly Mother and my earthly Mother - I know that they are proud of my efforts.

Not everyone will have the same feelings about Mother's Day or about mothering. That is ok, and in fact, it is good because that gives us something to speak about and an opportunity to learn empathy for others' varying situations. But for me, I love Mother's Day and being with my mother and my daughter and focusing on the beautiful gifts I have been given as a daughter and as a mother.

So to all you mothers out there (in spirit and in body) - Happy Mother's Day. Know you are loved and you have great value, not just on this day, but always.

Book Review: A Highlander's Hidden Heart

This book made me wish for all things Scottish - even though it took place in England. This charming tale of two fish out of water was well-written and enticing as a story. The main characters were believable and tender, making it easy to see how they would find each other. My only complaint was that after all the beautiful hardship they endured to get close to one another, the ending came together almost too easily in just a few pages. All-in-all, a wonderful book and a beautiful telling.

Find it on Goodreads and Amazon

Book Review: The Orient Express, Timeless Victorian Collection

One of my favorite collections so far - I even went back and read one of the stories again! Clever, fun and romantic. Each with a bit of adventure and a lot of class. Clean romances all the way through.

Find on Amazon or Goodreads

wednesday

It's been an interesting first half-of-a-week-off so far. ;)

I've gotten a surprising amount done in three days . . . and sat around a lot.

I rearranged my living room. Hung pictures on the wall (the first in the living room since we moved in). Daniel worked in the yard. Hannalyn has loved running around outside every night and has been sleeping like a baby (not that she doesn't usually, but I love the sleep of playtime exhaustion).

I picked all the shows for Season 3 at the theatre.
And I'm mad cuz some of the shows I wanted didn't make it in.
And mad cuz some of the shows I wanted did make it in, which means I'm going to have to start preparing for auditions which I'm not sure I want to do, but I do because I want to be in these shows...

Well.

Tomorrow Daniel and I are going to Salt Lake for me to accept an award on behalf of the theatre. It's on the 18th floor of the Zions building in downtown. Pretty fancy, if you ask me. It should be an interesting event. I'm terrified, to be honest. And excited for the recognition this will bring to the theatre.

I'm excited for more relaxed nights. I'm excited to work ahead and plan and prepare for things that are coming this summer and in the fall. I'm excited to keep playing with Hannalyn and really focusing time and energy on her and her needs. I'm excited for the rejuvenation of spirit that I've already started feeling as I've been able to work on my house and be with my child and be productive toward the theatre but not have to have it taking all my focus.

I am working on finding peace and balance within myself again.