*This is written on April 15, 2020 to local officials during the COVID-19 pandemic. Vernal, Utah is a rural city in northeastern Utah near Wyoming and Colorado. Vernal is a three-hour drive from Salt Lake City, Utah. I am writing it by request after many long talks about our current situation. I am a white, Christian woman, born and raised in Utah. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Early Childhood Education from Brigham Young University. I am thirty years old and started a business four years ago. I am an active participant in my community, supporting activities and schools. I vote and am an upstanding citizen. I begin with this to show that, while my life experience is small, I am well-educated and do my best to be informed about subjects that effect me, my family and my community.
Dear Local Leaders,
I am a business owner in Vernal, Utah. I started my business four years ago with the purchase of a historic building in our downtown. I love our community and am committed to making Vernal a wonderful place to be. I participate on several committees and am a law-abiding citizen and business owner. I am concerned with how the COVID-19 pandemic has been handled in our area.
My business, as well as many others, has been negatively impacted by this pandemic. We have lost money and been unable to help other small businesses who depend on us to sell their goods. We have been unable to hire workers and have struggled to make ends meet. This is not an uncommon situation at this time, but one that I worry we are not more engaged in fixing.
No one can predict pandemics. This one in particular seemed to strike with a fierceness unprecedented in decades. The world has been taken by storm and has suffered as a result. All we can do is the best we can with the knowledge we have, and sharing that knowledge is crucial to current and future success and recovery. It is with this in mind that I am writing, hoping that, should we face another pandemic in our future, we can do things a little bit better. My focus is on communication.
As a business owner in Vernal, Utah, I am required by both the city and state to have an updated and accurate business email and phone number. This information is requested from me yearly when I renew my business license and register my information. It is also requested from all other business owners with whom I have spoken. My business email and phone number are also required for me to be part of our local Chamber of Commerce as well as required by our Health Department. To put it plainly, the governing bodies of my city, county and state all have access to every business owner's email address and phone number.
My question is: Why haven't they been used to share information?
Throughout the progression of the pandemic, I have received 100 percent of the information about the virus through Facebook and researching sources found there. I have not received any updates from the state, county, health department or city about measures being taken that concern me and my business directly from those creating the directives and orders. I have received a total of two (2) emails from my local Health Department - both sent days after orders were issued. One was received March 23 and the other April 3. Both contained an attachment to the email containing an issued order and simply stating that if there were questions to please respond by email.
Now, information has been changing quickly. Updates, especially in mid-March, came daily and often hourly as health care workers and government officials struggled to learn about and respond to a continually developing situation. However, as updates were made by our State School Board, I was pleased to receive automated phone calls regarding my daughter's schooling and the how the situation was being handled. Never detailed, but always accurate, the phone calls would explain what to expect for the upcoming week(s) and give the most updated information available at the time.
Why haven't we done this for our businesses?
It is irresponsible and unrealistic to expect a business to successfully change their mode of operation in less than 24 hours. And that is assuming that the business got the updates. When I have asked my family members who work for the Health Department and local government how I can stay up-to-date on information, they encourage me to turn to Facebook. When did Facebook become a legal and authorized method of communication? It does not say on any business document or registration form that we need to follow the local health page on Facebook in order to be sure we are following appropriate guidelines. Facebook is not sufficient communication, especially in emergency situations.
What about individuals who do not have Facebook? Business owners who are scrambling to save their businesses and are not checking social media? How are they getting the essential information they need to keep themselves and their customers safe?
To answer simply, they are not getting that information.
We have done an immense disservice to our business owners in our community by not communicating with them in timely or effective ways. It would be so simple to set up a group email or an automated phone call to go out to all business owners. The city, the health department and the state all have that information - it is required on business applications. And yet, more time is put into making graphics for display on Facebook than into communicating with the people and businesses who are the life-blood of our community.
There was no effort made to communicate with business owners. I know from talking to several others that my business is not the only one scrambling to keep up and figure out the new "rules" for operating. It is shameful that directives and orders can be sent out on Facebook and "legalized" for all businesses to follow when no other effort is made to make sure that those businesses know about the changes and given opportunity to implement them. It is disappointing that we care so little about the success of the people in our community that we don't even give them a chance to learn the information before creating discipline for non-compliance. It is frustrating that in this digital age with all the conveniences we experience that we have lost common sense and good practices.
I pray that our world never has to suffer through a pandemic again. As we navigate and learn from our mistakes now, I also pray that should there come a time where the common good again has to be enforced, we will make sure that communication is done in a better way. If we do not have our community, we have nothing. Community requires that everyone look out for each other. We can do better.
Hoping for a brighter future,
NJ
April 15, 2020
April 13, 2020
celebrating 100 days
This is a post about me celebrating my improved health. If you do not want to read about a thin girl struggling with self-esteem, weight and fitness, then this post is not for you. I'm laying it all out here because I feel scared to on other platforms due to being judged. However I feel it important to share and so I am writing it as best I can.
My whole life I have struggled with self-esteem. The only times in my life I remember really feeling good about myself and my body in particular were: Junior year of high school and at Snow College. As I had a hard time this last year with my body image and especially how I felt vs how I wanted to feel, I came to the (not so shocking) conclusion that the two times of my life I felt best about myself were the two times I was doing the most FOR myself.
My junior year of high school, I was involved with dance classes during and after school in addition to running 20 minutes every day for the musical. At Snow College, I pretended I wasn't self-conscious and so ended up gaining a lot of confidence just from pretending to be, which was cool, but I also was very heavily involved in the Arts. Man, I wish I could have had a step tracker back then and when I was at BYU to track walking all over those campuses. I bet that 10k would have been done by 10a. Haha. I was dancing every day for at least 3 hours, and when I was in the musical that doubled. I was singing and using my body in theatre and really quite physical, which is kind of surprising now because I didn't really feel that way then. Now I'm thinking go younger me being all sorts of fit!
I felt great about my personal "fit"ness after I got married and while teaching school, even when pregnant. Obviously my body changed during and after pregnancy, but I was never more self-conscious than I thought I would be and still saw myself positively. When I got pregnant in 2015, I immediately gained 20 pounds by 10 weeks. I was a little concerned about that, but knew that it would even out and things would be ok.
This is probably a good place to insert that I don't weigh myself regularly at all. I weighed myself once or twice a year in fitness classes and then once I went to college, I weighed myself on breaks but always with my piggy-backing on my brother. (It's a fun thing we do. No worries.) I've never owned a scale and I have never "worried" about my weight - my whole life I was "underweight" according to my BMI and I thought that was garbage immediately and so never thought much about it. I weighed myself regularly during pregnancy, of course, and so when I got pregnant again started tracking that.
After I miscarried, and the weight didn't automatically go away, I felt extra miserable. Logically, I knew that I needed to do something to help my body but depression held me captive and I never lost the weight. I didn't gain more because that summer we did 'Beauty and the Beast' and I danced in it which turned out to be such a great blessing in terms of keeping me mentally healthy and active physically. But then, those twenty pounds just . . . were. I felt stuck where I was and didn't really care if I lost it or not, my depressed brain telling me if I lost it I'd just get pregnant and gain it back and all sorts of other really awful things. So I continued to do nothing.
Well, fast forward to last summer and I happened to get on the scale one day kind of randomly and I was shocked at the number I saw. So disappointed in myself and upset with my life choices. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't look too bad, but I could see where my clothes didn't fit well and more than that I knew that I was not able to keep up with Hannalyn like I wanted to. All of that compounded on the "number" and I was devastated.
I started attending a yoga class. In part because I was encouraged by my therapist for my mental health and in part because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. It is SO HARD and yet has been one of the best things I've done for myself in a long LONG time. Social distancing from yoga has been one of the hardest things. You see, I would try an online thing now and then or watch YouTube videos or whatever but I am not motivated at home by myself. I also struggle going to the gym because I am so very competitive and so very incompetent. Ha! I love running but not during the day and not with other people because I want to be faster than them or go further than them and neither of those things happen. So other "social" workouts were not motivating, in fact they are often more harmful, and I struggle hard with being motivated a) by an online instructor b) at my house with c) my child climbing over and around me. SO!
Yoga has been amazing and inspired and all the best things. The instructor shares a spiritual thought at the end and it is always a message from God to me and I usually cry. I have felt my body getting stronger and doing things I didn't think it could do any more and it's been stellar.
But I wasn't "dropping the weight". I was still chasing Hannalyn and getting wiped out much too quickly.
One night while browsing social media, I saw a post from a girl I follow who was sharing that she'd lost some weight recently. As I looked at the post, I thought how weird it was because I hadn't every thought that she looked like she needed to lose weight . . . and then I saw the before and after picture. It wasn't a lot that she had lost, just about 20 pounds, but it made a difference, and not just in her body but in her face. In the pictures she showed, she went from being posed in a closed off position (still cute, of course) when she was feeling insecure to more open as she was gaining confidence. She mentioned that she was doing it in large part because she was working toward having a healthy body to do IVF for a third time to try to get a baby, but also because she realized that she wanted to feel good about herself. She shared that she was doing three things to lose the weight:
- drinking lots and lots of water
- getting 10k steps in every day
- not snacking / eating healthier
I thought to myself, my never-set-a-goal self Self, we can do that!And my self said, Yes, I think we can.
So I did. The final kicker was weighing myself over Thanksgiving and realizing that I was 40 pounds heavier than my goal weight after having Hannalyn. Also, when I received a makeover for being an "influential woman" (eye roll ;) ) and realized I wanted to look good and wanted to be motivated to get ready and feel good about myself. So at the beginning of December, I wrote FOUR goals in my journal:
- drink a gallon of water every day
- walk 5k steps every day
- stop snacking, or only have one thing ie cookie
- do small exercises for 100 days
With the ultimate goal being to lose 20 pounds by my 30th birthday.
You guys, I DID IT.
It's about so much more than the number. It always is. The number is a benchmark, a way to measure the goal and make sure I reach it. It's been so hard. I have never been great at keeping goals, but my 100th day was Good Friday and I DID IT. It was amazing and felt so great. I even lost eight pounds twice that I gained over Christmas (because I have no self-control around my mom's baking)! On my birthday, I had already met my weight goal but I pushed through and finished the 100 days because I wanted to keep working on and finish the goals.
I was telling one of the three people who I told I was doing this what I was doing and how amazed I was at the changes in my mentality and how good I felt emotionally and she said "Well, of course! Your brain is part of your body, too." And I knew that, but for some reason the way she said that made me KNOW it. You know? Of course your brain is part of your body and of course doing some manageable work outs will make it possible for your brain to feel good, too.
I have been SO worried about the social distancing. I haven't been getting my steps in because I don't go anywhere, I stopped doing the Facebook Live Yoga classes my instructor is doing because they made me more frustrated than uplifted, and while sitting home I haven't been drinking enough water or saying no to snacking. I HAVE been continuing my small exercises (things like squats and crunches - just moving), but I was sure that during these past four weeks I would have gained some weight back. I got on the scale, a little terrified to see but willing to give myself grace, and found that I had lost another pound not gained any! So that felt good.
I want to restate that this is not really about the number. I know that numbers don't mean anything - for example, at Thanksgiving my BMI classified me as "overweight" but I sure didn't look or feel that way. Well, maybe felt it a little, but mostly because I couldn't do everything I wanted to. I am getting to that point now, and I am thrilled to continue on with the good habits that I have established. I hope I can keep getting stronger and feeling better both mentally and physically. I want to keep up with my family and do all the fun things they want to do. I want to be able to dance as long as I can. I want to feel good about myself. And right now, I do! Even if I don't lose weight or even when I put some back on, if I do or don't get pregnant and go through those bodily changes - I have made this good choice for myself and feel the blessings coming from it already. I love it. I really do. It has given me confidence, not just in how I look, but in my ability to do hard things! I set goals and kept them for a long time. I did something I never thought I'd be able to do, improved my self-control, and MET my goals. It's been a truly awesome journey and I feel so grateful and excited.
I'm celebrating 100 days of doing and being better and stronger. I'm loving it. <3
My whole life I have struggled with self-esteem. The only times in my life I remember really feeling good about myself and my body in particular were: Junior year of high school and at Snow College. As I had a hard time this last year with my body image and especially how I felt vs how I wanted to feel, I came to the (not so shocking) conclusion that the two times of my life I felt best about myself were the two times I was doing the most FOR myself.
My junior year of high school, I was involved with dance classes during and after school in addition to running 20 minutes every day for the musical. At Snow College, I pretended I wasn't self-conscious and so ended up gaining a lot of confidence just from pretending to be, which was cool, but I also was very heavily involved in the Arts. Man, I wish I could have had a step tracker back then and when I was at BYU to track walking all over those campuses. I bet that 10k would have been done by 10a. Haha. I was dancing every day for at least 3 hours, and when I was in the musical that doubled. I was singing and using my body in theatre and really quite physical, which is kind of surprising now because I didn't really feel that way then. Now I'm thinking go younger me being all sorts of fit!
I felt great about my personal "fit"ness after I got married and while teaching school, even when pregnant. Obviously my body changed during and after pregnancy, but I was never more self-conscious than I thought I would be and still saw myself positively. When I got pregnant in 2015, I immediately gained 20 pounds by 10 weeks. I was a little concerned about that, but knew that it would even out and things would be ok.
This is probably a good place to insert that I don't weigh myself regularly at all. I weighed myself once or twice a year in fitness classes and then once I went to college, I weighed myself on breaks but always with my piggy-backing on my brother. (It's a fun thing we do. No worries.) I've never owned a scale and I have never "worried" about my weight - my whole life I was "underweight" according to my BMI and I thought that was garbage immediately and so never thought much about it. I weighed myself regularly during pregnancy, of course, and so when I got pregnant again started tracking that.
After I miscarried, and the weight didn't automatically go away, I felt extra miserable. Logically, I knew that I needed to do something to help my body but depression held me captive and I never lost the weight. I didn't gain more because that summer we did 'Beauty and the Beast' and I danced in it which turned out to be such a great blessing in terms of keeping me mentally healthy and active physically. But then, those twenty pounds just . . . were. I felt stuck where I was and didn't really care if I lost it or not, my depressed brain telling me if I lost it I'd just get pregnant and gain it back and all sorts of other really awful things. So I continued to do nothing.
Well, fast forward to last summer and I happened to get on the scale one day kind of randomly and I was shocked at the number I saw. So disappointed in myself and upset with my life choices. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't look too bad, but I could see where my clothes didn't fit well and more than that I knew that I was not able to keep up with Hannalyn like I wanted to. All of that compounded on the "number" and I was devastated.
I started attending a yoga class. In part because I was encouraged by my therapist for my mental health and in part because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. It is SO HARD and yet has been one of the best things I've done for myself in a long LONG time. Social distancing from yoga has been one of the hardest things. You see, I would try an online thing now and then or watch YouTube videos or whatever but I am not motivated at home by myself. I also struggle going to the gym because I am so very competitive and so very incompetent. Ha! I love running but not during the day and not with other people because I want to be faster than them or go further than them and neither of those things happen. So other "social" workouts were not motivating, in fact they are often more harmful, and I struggle hard with being motivated a) by an online instructor b) at my house with c) my child climbing over and around me. SO!
Yoga has been amazing and inspired and all the best things. The instructor shares a spiritual thought at the end and it is always a message from God to me and I usually cry. I have felt my body getting stronger and doing things I didn't think it could do any more and it's been stellar.
But I wasn't "dropping the weight". I was still chasing Hannalyn and getting wiped out much too quickly.
One night while browsing social media, I saw a post from a girl I follow who was sharing that she'd lost some weight recently. As I looked at the post, I thought how weird it was because I hadn't every thought that she looked like she needed to lose weight . . . and then I saw the before and after picture. It wasn't a lot that she had lost, just about 20 pounds, but it made a difference, and not just in her body but in her face. In the pictures she showed, she went from being posed in a closed off position (still cute, of course) when she was feeling insecure to more open as she was gaining confidence. She mentioned that she was doing it in large part because she was working toward having a healthy body to do IVF for a third time to try to get a baby, but also because she realized that she wanted to feel good about herself. She shared that she was doing three things to lose the weight:
- drinking lots and lots of water
- getting 10k steps in every day
- not snacking / eating healthier
I thought to myself, my never-set-a-goal self Self, we can do that!And my self said, Yes, I think we can.
So I did. The final kicker was weighing myself over Thanksgiving and realizing that I was 40 pounds heavier than my goal weight after having Hannalyn. Also, when I received a makeover for being an "influential woman" (eye roll ;) ) and realized I wanted to look good and wanted to be motivated to get ready and feel good about myself. So at the beginning of December, I wrote FOUR goals in my journal:
- drink a gallon of water every day
- walk 5k steps every day
- stop snacking, or only have one thing ie cookie
- do small exercises for 100 days
With the ultimate goal being to lose 20 pounds by my 30th birthday.
You guys, I DID IT.
It's about so much more than the number. It always is. The number is a benchmark, a way to measure the goal and make sure I reach it. It's been so hard. I have never been great at keeping goals, but my 100th day was Good Friday and I DID IT. It was amazing and felt so great. I even lost eight pounds twice that I gained over Christmas (because I have no self-control around my mom's baking)! On my birthday, I had already met my weight goal but I pushed through and finished the 100 days because I wanted to keep working on and finish the goals.
I was telling one of the three people who I told I was doing this what I was doing and how amazed I was at the changes in my mentality and how good I felt emotionally and she said "Well, of course! Your brain is part of your body, too." And I knew that, but for some reason the way she said that made me KNOW it. You know? Of course your brain is part of your body and of course doing some manageable work outs will make it possible for your brain to feel good, too.
I have been SO worried about the social distancing. I haven't been getting my steps in because I don't go anywhere, I stopped doing the Facebook Live Yoga classes my instructor is doing because they made me more frustrated than uplifted, and while sitting home I haven't been drinking enough water or saying no to snacking. I HAVE been continuing my small exercises (things like squats and crunches - just moving), but I was sure that during these past four weeks I would have gained some weight back. I got on the scale, a little terrified to see but willing to give myself grace, and found that I had lost another pound not gained any! So that felt good.
I want to restate that this is not really about the number. I know that numbers don't mean anything - for example, at Thanksgiving my BMI classified me as "overweight" but I sure didn't look or feel that way. Well, maybe felt it a little, but mostly because I couldn't do everything I wanted to. I am getting to that point now, and I am thrilled to continue on with the good habits that I have established. I hope I can keep getting stronger and feeling better both mentally and physically. I want to keep up with my family and do all the fun things they want to do. I want to be able to dance as long as I can. I want to feel good about myself. And right now, I do! Even if I don't lose weight or even when I put some back on, if I do or don't get pregnant and go through those bodily changes - I have made this good choice for myself and feel the blessings coming from it already. I love it. I really do. It has given me confidence, not just in how I look, but in my ability to do hard things! I set goals and kept them for a long time. I did something I never thought I'd be able to do, improved my self-control, and MET my goals. It's been a truly awesome journey and I feel so grateful and excited.
I'm celebrating 100 days of doing and being better and stronger. I'm loving it. <3
April 9, 2020
a start
writing for Daniel
As she walked to the door, her hands trembled at her sides. The well-worn path she walked had been recently raked, so her footing was sure. The familiar sound of the gentle breeze winding through the aspen trees normally would have relaxed and calmed. But today, she felt herself reaching inward for peace.
Breathe,she reminded herself. Nice and easy. She felt the tension in her shoulders ease as she soundlessly chuckled and shook her head. Talking to myself again. This bodes well.
The path wasn't long, and delaying would only worry those watching. As she neared the door, she reached in her purse for the keys she had already checked for several times. Pulling out the small ring with only a blue sticky note wrapped around to identify it, she selected one of three keys and grabbed the door knob. The key inserted easily, sliding home as though it had recently been used. Without further conscious thought, just a tightening in her eyes and chest, the door was open and she stepped across the threshold.
Dust danced in the air before her, lit dimly from shuttered windows that couldn't completely block the bright sunlight. Inhaling deeply, she turned and waved to the watchers before gently closing the door behind her. She left it unlocked, though she caressed the worn wood of the door and smiled at the now-empty coat hanger on its back. Turning to face the rest of the house took a moment of time but a force of will.
First, she smiled. Then laughed softly as a breath she didn't know she was holding was released from her chest. And then the tears started. Gentle at first, sliding down her cheeks so slowly she hardly noticed them as her eyes lovingly roved the open room. Memories were here, tucked in every corner, some she had forgotten and that came back with astounding clarity. Others that had been burned so intensely in her mind that she knew coming back would explode them into wakefulness. She slowly walked through the room, not touching anything now, her arms hugged tight around her as she made her way to the stairs.
Her foot placed on the first step, she stopped. Bending slightly to look under the railing, she wiped those gentle tears away. There they were - her initials. Of course they had never been discovered or sanded out. And now the gentle tears became a flood. She sat on the stairs, knowing this time was precious, and wept.
As she walked to the door, her hands trembled at her sides. The well-worn path she walked had been recently raked, so her footing was sure. The familiar sound of the gentle breeze winding through the aspen trees normally would have relaxed and calmed. But today, she felt herself reaching inward for peace.
Breathe,she reminded herself. Nice and easy. She felt the tension in her shoulders ease as she soundlessly chuckled and shook her head. Talking to myself again. This bodes well.
The path wasn't long, and delaying would only worry those watching. As she neared the door, she reached in her purse for the keys she had already checked for several times. Pulling out the small ring with only a blue sticky note wrapped around to identify it, she selected one of three keys and grabbed the door knob. The key inserted easily, sliding home as though it had recently been used. Without further conscious thought, just a tightening in her eyes and chest, the door was open and she stepped across the threshold.
Dust danced in the air before her, lit dimly from shuttered windows that couldn't completely block the bright sunlight. Inhaling deeply, she turned and waved to the watchers before gently closing the door behind her. She left it unlocked, though she caressed the worn wood of the door and smiled at the now-empty coat hanger on its back. Turning to face the rest of the house took a moment of time but a force of will.
First, she smiled. Then laughed softly as a breath she didn't know she was holding was released from her chest. And then the tears started. Gentle at first, sliding down her cheeks so slowly she hardly noticed them as her eyes lovingly roved the open room. Memories were here, tucked in every corner, some she had forgotten and that came back with astounding clarity. Others that had been burned so intensely in her mind that she knew coming back would explode them into wakefulness. She slowly walked through the room, not touching anything now, her arms hugged tight around her as she made her way to the stairs.
Her foot placed on the first step, she stopped. Bending slightly to look under the railing, she wiped those gentle tears away. There they were - her initials. Of course they had never been discovered or sanded out. And now the gentle tears became a flood. She sat on the stairs, knowing this time was precious, and wept.
April 8, 2020
expect a miracle every day
When I was at college, I attended a devotional one day with a speaker from the Q70 named Elder Pearson (I think Kevin?) - no relation. I don't remember much about the devotional except this one line
EXPECT A MIRACLE EVERY DAY
And I admit to being surprised. I mean, how can you expect a miracle every day? Isn't that presumptuous? We now demand miracles from God? And on a daily basis? I was confused and felt unsure as to the truth and validity of the statement. So, I did what I'd been taught to do when something doesn't sit quite right: prayed. That's right. I went home and said something to the effective of Father in Heaven, this person ordained by you to be a leader in the church said that I should expect a miracle every day from you. I don't want to demand that of you. Is that a true statement?
And I could not have been more surprised by the answer I got:
Wait and see.
Well, it wasn't very satisfactory at the time, but as I started watching for miracles in life . . . I started to see them! It's true! I wasn't asking God for a miracle every day. Just regular blessings like make it class on time, do well in school, get the part in a play I wanted, have good friends, that sort of thing. But let me tell you, those things became my greatest daily miracles.
Now, you may be thinking Nashelle, if the Red Sea doesn't part, then it's not a miracle. Just a blessing.
And I would say to you: It's a miracle to me that I am blessed every day, countless times a day, by a loving Heavenly Father.
Most days, I admit, are 'small' miracles. Ones that, to someone else, wouldn't mean much. For example, I regularly express thanks for my car making it to my destination without stalling on the way. That's a miracle to me given the current state of my car. I also give thanks at least twice a week for a body that is getting stronger and a mind that is getting healthier. I acknowledge a miracle when a cast shows up for rehearsal on time and when a show is put on the stage. I feel the presence of God in the miracle of my family - Hannalyn always, Daniel of course, and even our siblings and parents. These may be 'small' 'ordinary' 'every day' miracles, but I propose that they are possibly the most powerful in our lives. They are continual, constant, daily and hourly proof that God is aware of the details of my life and what will help me feel His love.
And then there are the 'big' miracles. Hannalyn is a huge miracle (and a small one - both!). The theatre succeeding is definitely a huge miracle, with small daily miracles that make it to the big one. I mean, I definitely can't and don't do it on my own. A big miracle to me is having enough money for our needs and most of our wants, even though I don't bring in additional income to our family's finances.
Yesterday, my miracle was the blessing of a large backyard for Hannalyn to play in. Today, my miracle was feeling the love of my Savior through some inspired words from my dad.
To me, blessings ARE miracles. There are no coincidences and no accidents. I feel so grateful and so wonderously awed at the goodness of a God who wants me to be happy and sends me miracles every day so that I can see and feel that.
I guess that's why the 'big miracle' of asking for God to heal the world on Good Friday makes an insane amount of sense. Because He's done it before - He parted the Red Sea, He created the earth and all things on it, He died and lived again! There is nothing a virus can do against the power of God, and by delegation, the power of God's worthy people on the earth. We have access to His power and He wants us to use it for good. When we unite in an inspired cause, answering the call of God's prophet, there is nothing we cannot do. It makes sense to me. I am thrilled to be a very small part of bringing it to pass.
THIS is faith in action - expecting a miracle every day, living worthy to receive all the blessings the Father has, and then looking to see what has come. He is in every detail of life and delights in sharing with us His majesty. Look for those daily miracles. I promise you will see them.
EXPECT A MIRACLE EVERY DAY
And I admit to being surprised. I mean, how can you expect a miracle every day? Isn't that presumptuous? We now demand miracles from God? And on a daily basis? I was confused and felt unsure as to the truth and validity of the statement. So, I did what I'd been taught to do when something doesn't sit quite right: prayed. That's right. I went home and said something to the effective of Father in Heaven, this person ordained by you to be a leader in the church said that I should expect a miracle every day from you. I don't want to demand that of you. Is that a true statement?
And I could not have been more surprised by the answer I got:
Wait and see.
Well, it wasn't very satisfactory at the time, but as I started watching for miracles in life . . . I started to see them! It's true! I wasn't asking God for a miracle every day. Just regular blessings like make it class on time, do well in school, get the part in a play I wanted, have good friends, that sort of thing. But let me tell you, those things became my greatest daily miracles.
Now, you may be thinking Nashelle, if the Red Sea doesn't part, then it's not a miracle. Just a blessing.
And I would say to you: It's a miracle to me that I am blessed every day, countless times a day, by a loving Heavenly Father.
Most days, I admit, are 'small' miracles. Ones that, to someone else, wouldn't mean much. For example, I regularly express thanks for my car making it to my destination without stalling on the way. That's a miracle to me given the current state of my car. I also give thanks at least twice a week for a body that is getting stronger and a mind that is getting healthier. I acknowledge a miracle when a cast shows up for rehearsal on time and when a show is put on the stage. I feel the presence of God in the miracle of my family - Hannalyn always, Daniel of course, and even our siblings and parents. These may be 'small' 'ordinary' 'every day' miracles, but I propose that they are possibly the most powerful in our lives. They are continual, constant, daily and hourly proof that God is aware of the details of my life and what will help me feel His love.
And then there are the 'big' miracles. Hannalyn is a huge miracle (and a small one - both!). The theatre succeeding is definitely a huge miracle, with small daily miracles that make it to the big one. I mean, I definitely can't and don't do it on my own. A big miracle to me is having enough money for our needs and most of our wants, even though I don't bring in additional income to our family's finances.
Yesterday, my miracle was the blessing of a large backyard for Hannalyn to play in. Today, my miracle was feeling the love of my Savior through some inspired words from my dad.
To me, blessings ARE miracles. There are no coincidences and no accidents. I feel so grateful and so wonderously awed at the goodness of a God who wants me to be happy and sends me miracles every day so that I can see and feel that.
I guess that's why the 'big miracle' of asking for God to heal the world on Good Friday makes an insane amount of sense. Because He's done it before - He parted the Red Sea, He created the earth and all things on it, He died and lived again! There is nothing a virus can do against the power of God, and by delegation, the power of God's worthy people on the earth. We have access to His power and He wants us to use it for good. When we unite in an inspired cause, answering the call of God's prophet, there is nothing we cannot do. It makes sense to me. I am thrilled to be a very small part of bringing it to pass.
THIS is faith in action - expecting a miracle every day, living worthy to receive all the blessings the Father has, and then looking to see what has come. He is in every detail of life and delights in sharing with us His majesty. Look for those daily miracles. I promise you will see them.
April 6, 2020
if i were the devil
OR another attempt at poetry . . . why?
I remember hearing a poem or short story one time that I wish I remembered more about. It had a title or theme along the lines of "if I were the devil" and talked about things the devil does to discourage and hurt us. It was a cautionary story, warning of sins like lust and greed. I am not sure if it was written in rhyme or not. And since this time, I haven't been able to find it anywhere! It reminded me of The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, and maybe it came from that work, though I am not sure now.
I've actually had this line running through my head for the last few weeks - ever since I realized how impacted I was by social distancing and the emotional distance that follows. Today, April 6, was the first time someone not in my immediate family has reached out to me since the schools shut down on March 16. The text was thinking of you! and was a balm to my heart. I had again the thought that emotional distancing is very dangerous, very real, and that the devil delights when we do it. I've had this thought several times since mid-March with a couple other bits and pieces of what is now compiled below. I just haven't been brave enough to write it down. As I talked with a couple of people last week, however, I realized that maybe this needs to be said so that I can take away the power of my worries by naming them and then actively fighting against them.
It's written in rhyme-ish. I can't figure out why tragedy makes me wax poetic, but here we go anyway. ;)
if i were the devil
if I were the devil, banished from the Son,
I would delight in havoc and misleading everyone.
I would hear the father's sighs
The mother's cries
And love's goodbyes
I would drag them out quite far, to make them close their eyes.
I would see the dark delight
that comes in spite
of all the right
And I would fill hearts once bright with never ending night.
if I were the devil, I'd make you feel alone.
I'd take your friends and family, your very flesh and bone.
I'd start out slow by giving you technology to use
It'd look like fun, it'd take you time, and eventually you'd loose
Your remaining ties to those once close.
It's so easy! Don't you see?
We can chat around the world
with technology.
And yes, perhaps, some good might come of all of this connection.
But wait until you see the greatest depths of your dejection
When technology is no longer fun, it's forced! by all the world around you.
You have no choice, you've lost your chance to see the beauty near you.
if I were the devil, I wouldn't want you to go outside.
I wouldn't want you with your friends. I'd want you all to hide.
Hide behind your "image" behind your "avatar"
Hide behind your likes and hearts and even filtered stars.
You see, it's easy to destroy a world when you do it one by one.
It's so easy to drive out faith and distract you from the Son.
It's harder when you go outside and see the truth of beauty.
It's harder when you connect in life with spirit and with duty.
So if I were the devil, I'd want you all alone.
Emotionally. Physically. This weight becomes a stone
to drag you down into a pit of never ending night
where once surrounded by the dark you lose your will to fight.
But I am not the devil, and so with you I plead
to fight the fight, to stay the course! For we are guaranteed
that if we do we will survive, nay thrive! despite this cruel deception
and soon this world will be alright with God's divine correction.
He loves us. He sees us. He is waiting for our call.
He just needs our open hearts and He will give us all.
I remember hearing a poem or short story one time that I wish I remembered more about. It had a title or theme along the lines of "if I were the devil" and talked about things the devil does to discourage and hurt us. It was a cautionary story, warning of sins like lust and greed. I am not sure if it was written in rhyme or not. And since this time, I haven't been able to find it anywhere! It reminded me of The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis, and maybe it came from that work, though I am not sure now.
I've actually had this line running through my head for the last few weeks - ever since I realized how impacted I was by social distancing and the emotional distance that follows. Today, April 6, was the first time someone not in my immediate family has reached out to me since the schools shut down on March 16. The text was thinking of you! and was a balm to my heart. I had again the thought that emotional distancing is very dangerous, very real, and that the devil delights when we do it. I've had this thought several times since mid-March with a couple other bits and pieces of what is now compiled below. I just haven't been brave enough to write it down. As I talked with a couple of people last week, however, I realized that maybe this needs to be said so that I can take away the power of my worries by naming them and then actively fighting against them.
It's written in rhyme-ish. I can't figure out why tragedy makes me wax poetic, but here we go anyway. ;)
if i were the devil
if I were the devil, banished from the Son,
I would delight in havoc and misleading everyone.
I would hear the father's sighs
The mother's cries
And love's goodbyes
I would drag them out quite far, to make them close their eyes.
I would see the dark delight
that comes in spite
of all the right
And I would fill hearts once bright with never ending night.
if I were the devil, I'd make you feel alone.
I'd take your friends and family, your very flesh and bone.
I'd start out slow by giving you technology to use
It'd look like fun, it'd take you time, and eventually you'd loose
Your remaining ties to those once close.
It's so easy! Don't you see?
We can chat around the world
with technology.
And yes, perhaps, some good might come of all of this connection.
But wait until you see the greatest depths of your dejection
When technology is no longer fun, it's forced! by all the world around you.
You have no choice, you've lost your chance to see the beauty near you.
if I were the devil, I wouldn't want you to go outside.
I wouldn't want you with your friends. I'd want you all to hide.
Hide behind your "image" behind your "avatar"
Hide behind your likes and hearts and even filtered stars.
You see, it's easy to destroy a world when you do it one by one.
It's so easy to drive out faith and distract you from the Son.
It's harder when you go outside and see the truth of beauty.
It's harder when you connect in life with spirit and with duty.
So if I were the devil, I'd want you all alone.
Emotionally. Physically. This weight becomes a stone
to drag you down into a pit of never ending night
where once surrounded by the dark you lose your will to fight.
But I am not the devil, and so with you I plead
to fight the fight, to stay the course! For we are guaranteed
that if we do we will survive, nay thrive! despite this cruel deception
and soon this world will be alright with God's divine correction.
He loves us. He sees us. He is waiting for our call.
He just needs our open hearts and He will give us all.
April 3, 2020
uncles
I got some blonde highlights in my hair almost a month ago now. It was a crazy whim of a decision after meeting up with an old friend who I knew I could trust to do a good job. I wanted something new for being 30, but not too new, and I was thrilled that she said she would do it. I've really loved it. It is still a surprise to catch my reflection or to have blonde bangs in my peripheral vision instead of brunette. I really like it though and it's fun for summer (or will be as soon as it warms up).
About two days after the change, I looked in the mirror and for a brief moment didn't feel good. I was still surprised and I didn't like being surprised. My sister was teasing me rather mercilessly and I was fed up with it. I was questioning the future of my hair (which is such a pitiful small thing) and wondering what I'd do when I audition for a show in August. And . . . I wanted to cry! I had just dropped off Hannalyn at my mom's and so was grateful to be heading on my way out the door to head to the theatre.
While walking to my car, I started thinking about right after I started to wear makeup as a pre-teen and the way my uncles teased me about it. One uncle called me "Neighbor Girl" for years, only calling me Nashelle if he happened to catch me without makeup on (which as a teenager was pretty rare). You know, his reasoning being, Nashelle doesn't wear makeup, this grown up young lady must be the neighbor girl who has tagged along. Where is Nashelle? While a little bit aggravating to a teen who wanted to be an adult, it also was flattering in a way that my family noticed I was growing up and thought I looked good. I knew that and it gave me confidence.
As this memory came to me, I started thinking about my other uncles and moments where they have given me strength and courage:
- Uncle Jo told me I could drive stick shift in Denver, let me try, and was ready to defend me against an angry driver behind us.
- Uncle Ja always made sure we were prepared for outdoor adventures, and even though he hooked my finger when fly-fishing he was incredibly gentle when he pulled it out. He is also the only one who still calls me Nutshell.
- Uncle D called me Neighbor Girl and always told me I looked good.
- Uncle M taught me to shuffle cards and how to take care of dogs.
- Uncles R & B taught me the importance of having fun, rough housing, not being too sensitive to teasing, and knowing how to balance fun with family.
- Uncle S never treated me like an annoying kid, even though looking back I'm sure I pushed his buttons a lot especially when he brought his new wife to see us.
- Uncle C made me tough, and two of my proudest moments are: 1- being the only person in the family who can beat him at poker and 2- standing up for and defending a controversial subject and holding my own as he questioned what I thought I knew, then him telling me 'good job'.
These all went through my mind in the brief drive to the theatre and I suddenly found myself in tears of gratitude. I felt lifted up as the lessons, fun and memories came to my mind with increased potency. I laughed through my tears as I thought about the wonderful men in my family who have guided me, usually by pushing and prodding me and making me do things I otherwise wouldn't do. I have always felt so safe and I know that I could call on any of them at any moment and they would come and help me. Whether I need help with a fishing hook in my finger or negotiating a contract, learning to drive a stick shift under pressure or navigating the pressures of growing up - they have always been there. I am so blessed to have been able to have such incredible time with my uncles and to know them so well.
And I am so grateful that Hannalyn also has truly incredible uncles. She is so loved by them and even though we don't see most of them nearly as often as we'd like, she immediately forms a connection when we do get together. That gives me comfort.
To all those uncles in my life: I sure love you big goofs. Thank you. Thank you for making me get up again. Thank you for teaching me to be strong and pushing me past my comfort zone to grow and learn. Thank you for never letting me win so I would learn how to do it myself. Thank you for loving me, annoying bossy kid/teen and all. Your influence is a huge part of who I am, and I love it.
About two days after the change, I looked in the mirror and for a brief moment didn't feel good. I was still surprised and I didn't like being surprised. My sister was teasing me rather mercilessly and I was fed up with it. I was questioning the future of my hair (which is such a pitiful small thing) and wondering what I'd do when I audition for a show in August. And . . . I wanted to cry! I had just dropped off Hannalyn at my mom's and so was grateful to be heading on my way out the door to head to the theatre.
While walking to my car, I started thinking about right after I started to wear makeup as a pre-teen and the way my uncles teased me about it. One uncle called me "Neighbor Girl" for years, only calling me Nashelle if he happened to catch me without makeup on (which as a teenager was pretty rare). You know, his reasoning being, Nashelle doesn't wear makeup, this grown up young lady must be the neighbor girl who has tagged along. Where is Nashelle? While a little bit aggravating to a teen who wanted to be an adult, it also was flattering in a way that my family noticed I was growing up and thought I looked good. I knew that and it gave me confidence.
As this memory came to me, I started thinking about my other uncles and moments where they have given me strength and courage:
- Uncle Jo told me I could drive stick shift in Denver, let me try, and was ready to defend me against an angry driver behind us.
- Uncle Ja always made sure we were prepared for outdoor adventures, and even though he hooked my finger when fly-fishing he was incredibly gentle when he pulled it out. He is also the only one who still calls me Nutshell.
- Uncle D called me Neighbor Girl and always told me I looked good.
- Uncle M taught me to shuffle cards and how to take care of dogs.
- Uncles R & B taught me the importance of having fun, rough housing, not being too sensitive to teasing, and knowing how to balance fun with family.
- Uncle S never treated me like an annoying kid, even though looking back I'm sure I pushed his buttons a lot especially when he brought his new wife to see us.
- Uncle C made me tough, and two of my proudest moments are: 1- being the only person in the family who can beat him at poker and 2- standing up for and defending a controversial subject and holding my own as he questioned what I thought I knew, then him telling me 'good job'.
These all went through my mind in the brief drive to the theatre and I suddenly found myself in tears of gratitude. I felt lifted up as the lessons, fun and memories came to my mind with increased potency. I laughed through my tears as I thought about the wonderful men in my family who have guided me, usually by pushing and prodding me and making me do things I otherwise wouldn't do. I have always felt so safe and I know that I could call on any of them at any moment and they would come and help me. Whether I need help with a fishing hook in my finger or negotiating a contract, learning to drive a stick shift under pressure or navigating the pressures of growing up - they have always been there. I am so blessed to have been able to have such incredible time with my uncles and to know them so well.
And I am so grateful that Hannalyn also has truly incredible uncles. She is so loved by them and even though we don't see most of them nearly as often as we'd like, she immediately forms a connection when we do get together. That gives me comfort.
To all those uncles in my life: I sure love you big goofs. Thank you. Thank you for making me get up again. Thank you for teaching me to be strong and pushing me past my comfort zone to grow and learn. Thank you for never letting me win so I would learn how to do it myself. Thank you for loving me, annoying bossy kid/teen and all. Your influence is a huge part of who I am, and I love it.
April 2, 2020
asking for help
This was written in October of 2019.
I had a very awesome and humbling experience a couple weeks ago.
I was grumbling about a prompting I had received to ask for help at the theatre. This is nothing new for me. The grumbling I mean, and needing to be prompted to ask from help. By prompted I mean told very clearly that I am not being successful or happy trudging by myself and I need to ask for help. I have a hard time asking for help for a couple of reasons. One- I can do it faster and better than explaining to someone new. Two- I should be able to do it myself. It’s my business, my problem. Three- I hate it when people say no, say yes, or even worse don’t text me back at all. I hate it when they say no cuz it hurts my feelings even though in every text I send I basically ask them to say no. But I’m human and even though it’s never been personal, it’s hard to be vulnerable and ask for help and be told no. I hate it when they say yes because I worry I’m being a huge inconvenience and imposition. I hate it when they don’t text me back because clearly they don’t want me bugging them even at all right? So I major messed up by even texting. Sigh. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, and it’s just hard.
So never a good answer and my whiny self wishing I had a clone so I really could just do it all myself. I was thinking on all of this when the thought came clearly to mind “I reach out and get told no all the time. Are you better than me?”
Yeah... that smacked me between the eyes.
Now, my invitations and asking for help are nothing near the level of the Savior’s. Not at all. I was just reminded that God knows exactly how I feel. He got told no all the time. He was completely ignored even as He performed miracles.
And yet He never stops asking me to come to Him. He never decides that I’ve had enough chances and so takes away my agency to choose yes or no. He keeps asking. He keeps inviting. And so should I.
I had a very awesome and humbling experience a couple weeks ago.
I was grumbling about a prompting I had received to ask for help at the theatre. This is nothing new for me. The grumbling I mean, and needing to be prompted to ask from help. By prompted I mean told very clearly that I am not being successful or happy trudging by myself and I need to ask for help. I have a hard time asking for help for a couple of reasons. One- I can do it faster and better than explaining to someone new. Two- I should be able to do it myself. It’s my business, my problem. Three- I hate it when people say no, say yes, or even worse don’t text me back at all. I hate it when they say no cuz it hurts my feelings even though in every text I send I basically ask them to say no. But I’m human and even though it’s never been personal, it’s hard to be vulnerable and ask for help and be told no. I hate it when they say yes because I worry I’m being a huge inconvenience and imposition. I hate it when they don’t text me back because clearly they don’t want me bugging them even at all right? So I major messed up by even texting. Sigh. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, and it’s just hard.
So never a good answer and my whiny self wishing I had a clone so I really could just do it all myself. I was thinking on all of this when the thought came clearly to mind “I reach out and get told no all the time. Are you better than me?”
Yeah... that smacked me between the eyes.
Now, my invitations and asking for help are nothing near the level of the Savior’s. Not at all. I was just reminded that God knows exactly how I feel. He got told no all the time. He was completely ignored even as He performed miracles.
And yet He never stops asking me to come to Him. He never decides that I’ve had enough chances and so takes away my agency to choose yes or no. He keeps asking. He keeps inviting. And so should I.
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