My favorite places

​kind of in order, but not really…

My house

My parent’s house

The temple

My grandparent’s houses

East Park

Deep Creek

Children’s Gardens Thanksgiving Point

Disneyland

San Diego

10?

Macabre

​TW: death, depression

There has been a lot of loss in my life recently, both in my personal life and Im lives touching mine. It’s made for an incredibly hard year, especially as the grief is sudden and unexpected.

It’s made me gloomy and downtrodden. Even macabre. 

I have wondered several times if anyone would miss me if I was gone. Pondered how if I were to be gone from my sphere, no one would notice, or if they did, they would not be influenced. 

A friend sang at a friend’s funeral and I had the very selfish thought that I don’t have any friends to sing at my funeral.

Not that I want one, though I’d be dead so I guess I wouldn’t have a say, so it doesn’t matter, but I just want people to be able to get together if they want but then go home. Don’t make people talk about me- there’s not much to say and I think it’s silly to make people try to come up with memories to share and cry and mourn publicly. Keeping it private is fine by me. 

I feel so selfish thinking this way instead of focusing on who passed and caring for their mourning loved ones. I try to send the thoughts away. Sometimes I’m more successful than others.

I am not in danger. I am just … sad. That’s ok, right?

If I knew it was my last chance to see someone, I want to think I’d take it. If my last time performing, ever, was in “Little Women” last weekend, I wonder if anyone would have made an effort to come. I am devastated to have missed my nephew’s race- what if I never got to see him do that again? Tragedy strikes fast and hard and without reason. I don’t want to be sad that I didn’t do what I should have done or been with those I could have or said what I needed to.

That’s hard. But I want to do better. I’ll try.

“Little Women”

​I wasn’t going to do strike thoughts because we didn’t have a strike, but here I am, unable to sleep, knowing I won’t until words get out. 

Words are hard for me. I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time, say too much, or too little, and then have to sit in the consequences. 

Yet somehow I am always so long-winded. And, occasionally, someone has told me what I’ve said or written has been impactful for them. I am always surprised by that, but I know God works through our imperfections.

Attention is hard for me. Surprising for someone who loves theatre and owns a business, right? Being the center of attention... Anxiety skyrockets, feelings get close to the surface, I can’t focus on what I’m “supposed” to do. Give me a script and that helps. But on my own, I get so lost.

It’s been a hard year for me. At one of my lowest points, I felt prompted to see if we could do a script reading of “Little Women”. Kind of a last hurrah, for fun thing. I clung to this so tightly- so many dreams and hopes have felt snatched away lately, that the possibility of just reading the script again became something I desperately wanted.

And then it grew and evolved and became… everything. 

My heart this week has been so full and so broken all at once. Knowing how quickly time was slipping away, feeling myself putting fences back up to protect my heart as we neared the end of a magical journey, wishing I was better at wearing many hats, better at saying what I felt, better at remembering to bring the thank you cards…

Instead, now I sit, worrying about all I didn’t say, knowing that “thank you” will never be enough, praying that someone felt a sliver of what I did, refusing to put away the rest of the show because that means it is done, and feeling so overwhelmed at how this show and the people in it have once again changed my life and my heart. 

“Little Women” is best in a musical, I believe. And somehow, I’ve been lucky enough to have the best of the best surrounding me as I’ve lived it. (Twice! No one gets dreams like that.) Taking chances, finding forever, standing together, living life fully, knowing that some things are meant to be and that the fire inside is family and love- so many incredible and beautiful lessons.

What will I do now that I am here alone? I’ll believe that this mattered, keep the memories close, try to carry on full of hope.

And I’ll be thankful every day for being part of it. ❤️

…

I wish more people could have seen it. I wish the people involved could know how genuinely and completely I value and love them. I wish that I didn’t fear I am saying goodbye to so much more than just “Little Women” with the ending of this show. This feels like the end of an era for me and I am both so completely grateful for the opportunity and so shattered at what I feel I am losing, while also being grateful for the chance to have what I had.

Whatever comes next, this show will live inside me forever. That’s a blessing.

Primary Program

Hannalyn’s last primary program was last year which meant that today, Daniel and I were involved but not her. Instead, H got to go to her cousin’s program and loved it. This was Daniel’s first one (leading the music) and he did great. I thought it was a really good program all around. It was so weird to not have Hannalyn there, but I was also glad she got to be with family and not sitting alone or trying to find a spot for her by me.

Kids growing up - time generally - is such a weird thing. Moments I wish I could grab on to and cherish slip away. I am grateful for primary and how it teaches and prioritizes children. I love being in that room and doing music. It’s my favorite calling and spot to be. I only dread moving if I don’t get to be back in primary in a new town. ;) It’s really the best.

A month gone

October has been hard. I am so glad that it’s almost over, and yet I am dismayed at how quickly time continues to move.

After a therapy appointment at which I expressed how good I was doing at the beginning of the month, things began to spiral down into a dark depression. Not the worst I’ve ever been in, but bad enough, and hard to shake. The little things that I usually can brush off have been sticky and painful. This frustration with myself and inability to focus on good things has remained all month in spite of blessings I’ve seen and been able to acknowledge.

Conference was - and continues to be - a ray of light.

My Hannalyn is always my greatest comfort, even on days we get full-blown teenager attitude.

Walking around and being in the temple brings so much relief, I’ve been in tears the last times I’ve gone.

At my most recent therapy appointment as I expressed my disappointment that “the other shoe dropped” so shortly after feeling good, I was able to get validation about how I was feeling and the anger I felt.

I was also reminded that grief is not linear, and it’s ok to be mourning and to be going through grief stages I thought I’d passed.

Meanwhile I continue going through the motions and trying to not let anyone get hurt by my emotions. Feeling lonely and uncertain in what is coming and what I am supposed to be doing. I haven’t felt uncertain about my future in…years. Feeing this way as a 35 year old woman is something I never could have imagined.

I feel confident that God is with me, and that’s how I’m getting through the days.

Maybe once Halloween is past and we can focus on family, I will be able to find some peace.